On the street edition: Doing it…right?

Ms. Cuntbook just sent me another picture from L.A.

She and I both agree that we don’t hate this. Perhaps we just can’t pull it off. I do recall Lou wearing something similar years ago when we ventured to Silverado, Portland’s dick flopping male strip club. Pretty sure she was wearing a negligee (speaking of which, I had no idea that’s how you spelled that, it looks wrong and weird), some cut offs and stockings attached to the negligee. I had on a leopard print bustier and cowboy boots. Obviously we win at life. Why the fuck don’t we have pictures of that??

I’ve gotta give her props for going for it. And again, lovely hair. I’m interested to hear what Lou has to say about this because I feel like she’s going to love it.

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Doing it…weird. And wrong.

I just texted Lou to ask if posting pictures of strangers in terrible outfits was too mean.

Her response: “Too mean? What’s that?”

Besides, I’m cropping out the heads. I could be pulling a Glamour magazine and just throwing a black bar  over their eyes. I’m at work and the receptionist showed me this picture she took last night of a girl out downtown. My immediate response, of course, was to have her send it to me so I could post it here.

I’m going to have to come to terms with the fact that I’m a dick because apologizing for it repeatedly is cowardly. I need to own it.

This outfit is a NO.

NO.

I’m not even going to discuss this. It speaks for itself. But let this be a lesson, girls. Look at your ass before you leave the house. It should not be two feet long.

Props on the 90’s Doc Martens.

I will say, this girl was perfectly adorable. She had very nice hair. Those pants though. Girl…..

Doing it wrong: on the streets edition

My girl on the streets of Los Angeles, Ms. Cuntbook, sent me this gem of a photo. She’s out living the good life, drinking in the bar with all the pretty people and documenting it for us to mock.

Camel toe….Boner or no boner?

Because I say: Jean shorts? YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG.

I look forward to more sneakily snapped fashion shots from so cal or anywhere for that matter. Or do like Lou and ask a girl with a bangin’ jacket if she’ll let us take her picture. Bad fashion, good fashion, we want it all. So get out your cell phones, my darlins, snap away.

Your Shoes Suck

I’ll keep this brief since it really is just a matter of personal opinion, but I’m totally right when I say Jeffery Campbell “Lita” shoes are hideous. I’m all for a sky-high platform shoe. It’s not the heel height I find offensive so much, it’s the horrible, horrible, hideous toe! And then the proclivity of every fashionable hipster girl on earth to rush out and shove their dainty feet into something that will make themlook like they’ve got two club feet. They come in every imaginable color and pattern. It’s maddening.

Here is the least offensive picture I can find of the classic black and still…nope:

These shoes are stripper shoes meant to be worn outside of the strip club. I have nothing against strippers, except the fact that they love to wear these shoes.


That stripper’s dog wants to eat your brains.
To me, they just scream “try”. There is no fashion happening here. There is a bandwagon, a bad aesthetic, and a whole heap of lazy in this trend. Plain and simple. Also, they will make you look like a Clydesdale.

There are definitely cuter platform boots out there that you can buy for less money. I just don’t really understand why these shoes, and their huge ass toe platforms, became so fashionable. I mean, this? This?? Really??

Who in the fuck??:

Would spend $180 on these shoes? Woof.

They can also be mother fucking dangerous. And no I’m not talking about twisting an ankle.

Actually, if I were forced to buy a pair of JC shoes, I’d pick these spiked ones, so I could stomp a bitch.

Overall, this trend just kind of reminds me of how much I hate 6″ heels. I just…don’t…see how it’s hot. What is the obsession, ladies? It looks awkward as hell. Even on Beyonce.

Like I said, I love a good heel as much as the next girl, and maybe someday I’ll write a “Doing it Right” post a la SweetBird, but for now, it felt good to spew my hate all over these wretched shoes.

Oh. And if you own a pair of these and we’re friends .. ah, um, I’m sure I own something you hate too.

xoxo,

Lou

Doing It Right

Just because even I’m gagging on my poopiness lately, I wanted to post pictures of actual attractive people wearing jean shorts in an attractive way. To prove that I do like things. Especially hot girls in short shorts.

Legs for days. That girl is working those shorts. Also, I have massive hair envy.

It’s upsetting how attractive this girl is. I’m super digging the whole outfit.

I’m posting this for two reasons. One, I think it’s a hot outfit even though I could never get away with that midriff business. Two, I believe she’s wearing the shoes that Lou hates with such a venomous passion. I don’t mind them…But she needs to write her hate parade post on them and I’m hoping this will spur her into action.

Speaking of midriff baring tops that I can’t pull off. I LOVE this. I wish that I would have worn it when I was 18. Somehow I think 32 is not the time to start wearing bra tops in public. Unless aerial gets me into even more bangin’ shape than I’m anticipating.

I can’t wait for summer weather and the opportunity to wear way, way less clothing! I want cut off shorts and platform sandals and floppy hats galore!

There….see? I can be positive.

Hate Parade: Dumpy Jean Shorts

I swear that I’m going to write a happy-I-love-this kind of post soon. Or maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll let Lou be good cop while I continue to be hellacious cunt cop. Either way, I’m hate parading again.

While doing “research” for my Coachella post, I came across so many pictures of adorable girls wearing shorts that make them look like they just dropped a load. A load that has settled in the front, resulting in a fat camel toe of fabric.

Prime example.

As much as I’d love to slap the smug out of Miley Cyrus, she’s got a great body. So why does she insist on wearing these shorts again and again. Not only are the unflattering in the crotchal region, they’re acid wash. Ew.

Zoe Kravitz. Super cute, young girl. Why are you trying to look like a mom from the 80’s who has had five kids and can’t fit her fup into anything other than these shorts? WHY?

What. The. Shit.

Even ScarJo can’t make this trend look good. Her vagina looks ten miles wide.

Ladies, I understand the desire for high waist shorts. They can be stylish and attractive. But this is not the way. Find me a man who looks at these shorts and thinks, “Oh hell yes. I love it when her vag looks like a swollen fortune cookie. Sooo hot.”

Find some shorts that FIT. Please. And for the love of God, Lou, if 6 months from now I’m wearing this shit and singing it’s praises. Please slap me and make me take them off. Even in the middle of the park. Do not let me walk around in these.

Parade of Assholes: The Second Weekend

One weekend of celebutards prancing around Coachella in costumes from Hair was apparently not enough. The second weekend proved to be just as hideous and upsetting as the first.

The outfit that really got my attention was this one:

Emma Roberts, WTF? Why perfectly attractive women insist on shoving themselves into unflattering, ill fitting and just plain puzzling outfits like these is a fucking mystery to me. First off, the whole unbuttoned jean short thing hasn’t been cool since bitches were doing it while dry humping Eric Nies on MTV’s The Grind back in the 90’s. (I just dated myself pretty bad there since I’m reasonably sure that I’m the only one old enough to remember The Grind…and how badly I wanted to be on it.) Second, that top looks like an old tourist shirt from Hawaii that she put through a paper shredder, made sure it was two sizes too small and then squeezed into in the hopes that it would look like an upset cockring around her middle.

Also, her friend’s vagina is starving. It’s eating those shorts like a pancake breakfast.

Why stop at one puke worthy outfit? She goes for the gold in several more.

That one wouldn’t be so bad. If it fit her at all. It looks like a maternity jumper that is now deflated because she gave birth.

Of course, there were other assholes on parade. And I want to slap all of them.

Ouch…?

You’re orange. That is all.

You are not amish. That is all.

P.S. You’re in the desert.

I have no words. Except….Minnie Mouse is going to a funeral but is too lazy to change out of her slippers.

Another case of hungry vagina.

P.S. Girl eating watermelon, you are awesome.

 Okay, I’m done. I can’t wait for the Oscars so I can spew my hate all over that shit. By hate I mean my absolute bitterness that no one is paying me to put on a $25,000 dress and drunk walk down the red carpet.

Hey assholes!

It’s supposed to be in the 70’s in Portland this weekend and guess what? My ass is working doubles all weekend. Fuck.My.Life.

However, unless I work like a mofo, I will never get the fat paychecks that I adore. Paychecks that can buy me some fabulous summer clothes. For when summer actually gets here. In three or four months.

While I’m slaving away, ripping hair out of people’s dark parts ( I don’t know why I just called them dark parts…I was thinking of the sun don’t shine on them, therefore, they’re dark…?), y’all should be out prancing around in as little clothing as possible and soaking up the rays.

I’m looking at you, Lou. I know how much you like to whore it up. SO WHORE IT UP!!!

Just to torture myself and to bore you, I’m going to get my sun through summer memories….

River trips!!

Slutty tank tops!!

Kiddie pools!!

I can’t wait for summer. Even though I work weekends and everyone else will be drunk at the park. I’ll be drunk at the park on the weekdays while you fuckers are at work! By myself….Wait…that sucks….

Go forth, drink tallboys of shit beer, get a sunburn on your pasty skin, pass out by 6pm and then wake up at 10pm ready to rage again.

Do it, Portland. Do it for me. 

I’m Obsessed Steez

I’m obsessed with this shirt I stole from my roommate’s closet this morning. I mean, borrowed. Hi Nikki!

Even though I painted my nails, listened to a 4/20 hip hop mix, and wrote a short horror story at work today, it was still painful because I had to cover up the back of this shirt.

It’s just a t-shirt. But soooo sexy with that open back. From the front, so unassuming. So soft and thin too, I’m in love.

Sorry for the weird work bathroom shots with lights that make me look like a member of the walking dead, but I’m headed out right after work to my buddies skateboard zine release party thing? I don’t know. But I paired this outfit with flat, brown ankle boots that lace up. So lowkey. So comfortable. I told you, I’m obsessed.

Which reminds me, we need to talk about heels vs flats and dudes. I know my fella likes me in tennis shoes best and I’ve heard numerous men inPortland men bemoan women in heels as “high maintenance” or “trying too hard to look sexy” and I dunno, it’s just an interesting phenomenon.

Anyway, I just wanted to share this shirt cause I’m being obsessive.

Happy Friday mother fuckers!

xoxo, Lou

Hate Parade: Sheer Button Up Shirts

I’m currently white knuckling it through one beast of a hangover due to a night involving ice skating, spiked fountain sodas, cheap beer and expensive whiskey. I have a giant fist shaped bruise on my thigh and all I want is a fucking burrito but I live in Oregon where Mexican food tastes like salty cat shit wrapped in wax paper. I’m still in bed at 3 PM, sandwiched in by two passed out dogs. I win at life.

I figure now, when I want to kill everything in my sight, I should blog about a trend that is really grossing me out.

I’m sorry, Mischa Barton, but you’re my prime example again.

Bitch, no. 

This whole sheer collared shirt and bra thing is just making me want to barf. Or maybe that’s my hangover. Either way, I may barf.

This trend is good in theory but to me, and Lou may fight me on this, it looks like the secretary forgot her meds and is now wearing inappropriate things to work.

Because real women do not look like that broad. Real women are tromping around town with this shit on and it just doesn’t work.

See? Not the same is it? It just looks….so bad 90’s. Most women shouldn’t be showing off their midriffs. I’m sorry but it’s true. I’m an asshole.

The last week at my job before I moved here I waxed two girls who were around 19 or 20. They were both wearing sheer button ups, one was floral which made me cringe even more. The trouble was that they were both wearing bras that were not meant to be seen. One had very large breasts so she was wearing one of those support bras with the extra wide straps. That’s not a sexy bra. It’s not meant to be seen. It’s meant to hold your shit up so that you can look good in a t-shirt that is opaque. The other girl had a Target special bra. It was pink with flowers on it.

NO!

If you’re going to insist on throwing this trend on your innocent body then for God’s sake wear a black, simple bra that is sexy but doesn’t have sequins or flowers on it. Please.

This would be doing it “right” and I still hate it, hate it, hate it. It looks like she’s wearing shitty pajamas. Your barista does not need to be accosted by your hipster titties.

That reminds me, all you broads crying about not wanting to be seen as an object and men not looking in your eyes? Fuck you if you wear this shit. Waaah waaah waah. You’re doing it to yourself, dumb ass. Don’t scream for attention and then slap a man when he gives it to you.

GAH! I’m getting more and more upset. But more about the fact that the I NEED  a decent burrito in my life.

I do need to add that while I find this trend to be vomitable (making up words like a champ), I have no issue with sheer t-shirts or tank tops and dark bras. Like a super soft, worn in t shirt that’s so thin you can see the bra. That’s fine. It’s the fucking button up with a collar that enrages me.

I’m gonna give it to the men on this one. Is it a boner or no boner?

OMG! I just invented a new category! HATE PARADE!!!!! I encourage everyone to submit their own Hate Parade tirades. I will eat them up like I should be eating a god damn burrito.