Your PBR Chub Ain’t Sexy

Imagine you’re making out with this sexy girl. She’s got the face of a Vicky Secret model. She’s all full lips, big eyes, nice tits and giggles. And then you snake your hand down the back of her pants to squeeze her sweet ass…..and it feels like your hand just plunged into a pile of bread dough.

I’m talking about the dreaded SKINNY GIRL FAT. 

Don’t know what I’m talking about? Here:

Mischa Barton is NOT FAT. That’s not what I’m saying. She’s skinny fat. As in a girl who is naturally slender and therefore lacks the motivation to get her ass to the gym and firm that shit up.

You see this a lot in Portland. We are not a city of gym rats. We’re a city of drunk elitists who are too cool to get on a treadmill. We will drink our calories, smoke our cigarettes and at 2 AM eat mac and cheese and tater tots. And we are skinny fat.

This isn’t relegated just to women. Men are guilty of this as well.

I apologize to our readers, for making you see that. I also apologize to whoever that man might be. This may have been a personal photo from his honeymoon and here I am using it to demonstrate how a slender man can gather pudge around his waist. Resulting in his ass shrinking away into to sad, flat baby heads instead a nice pert pair of….uh…melons?

I’m not mocking these people from afar. I’m standing right in the donut shop line with them.

Over the last year, without meaning to, I lost 15 pounds. I’m 5’6″ and generally my weight settles around 135, unless I’m being a depressive taco bell addict. Then it can inch up to 145. Now I’m at 125 pounds. Suddenly I’m wearing jeans with a 27″ waist and even finding those large occasionally. I haven’t worn a 27 ever. (Maybe when I was in 6th grade. I do remember buying some size 1 Bongo jeans back then.)


I am pure mush. When my boyfriend touches my ass or waist I cringe because I feel like a pack of extra soft tofu. Yet you can see my ribs. That, to me, is far more gross than when I was barely buttoning jeans at 145 pounds. It’s so unhealthy. It’s so weak. It’s soooooo fucking lazy.

Generally, skinny fat people will see results when they make the slightest bit of effort. Do push-ups for a few days, feel a firmer arm. Do some squats, feel your butt lift. We’re starting from pure jello so we have nowhere to go but up. And yet…it’s so much easier to eat corndogs at $1 corndog night while gulping down PBR.

Well, fuck that shit. Wait, no, actually I’ll still be eating corndogs and swilling cheap beer. But I’ve also just signed up for twice a week aerial classes and it’s going to either kill me or transform me.

The last time I did it, I was in the best shape of my life. I would post a before picture here so I can show you the amazing results 8 weeks from now but I don’t want to expose you guys to my weird skinny chub. Just use our friend Mischa as a reference.

So if you’re a skinny fatty, get off your couch and do some god damn sit ups! No one wants to squeeze a dough ball during sex, no matter how cute you are.

On that note, I really want a jalapeno cream cheese grilled cheese sandwich right now. I’m dead serious.

7 responses to “Your PBR Chub Ain’t Sexy

  1. Lou

    I am definitely in the same boat right now. It’s time to Summer-fy. Asap. I don’t want to be looking all pasty chub at the river in a few months. Of course, for me this will mean challenging myself to eat WAY less than I do in the winter so I can still drink the same amount of unhealthy booze calories while still slimming down (Dwyer girl method).

    On a healthier note, I’ll also replace most foods with boring ass vegetables, but for me, I need to become really skinny fat before I care much about toning up. I also need the sun to come out consistently before I give two shits about anything, so until that happens…

  2. Lou

    Also, Mischa Barton looks so…special in that photo. My roommate is watching the OC for the first time. It was on our television like every day for a month and I couldn’t help but think, Marissa just went to the dogs, non? Total fashion trainwreck.

  3. Lou

    You shut up, Joe. You know you love the OC.

  4. Anja

    I am having a case of the skinny fatness right now. Randomly doing squats while watching Gossip Girl doesn’t seem to be cutting it. Good thing I’ll be doing aerial with Sweet Bird soond!

  5. Pingback: I love a good ass kicking | Cheap Wine And Panty Lines

  6. Pingback: Get Drunk, Get Fit | Cheap Wine And Panty Lines

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