Parade of Assholes: The Second Weekend

One weekend of celebutards prancing around Coachella in costumes from Hair was apparently not enough. The second weekend proved to be just as hideous and upsetting as the first.

The outfit that really got my attention was this one:

Emma Roberts, WTF? Why perfectly attractive women insist on shoving themselves into unflattering, ill fitting and just plain puzzling outfits like these is a fucking mystery to me. First off, the whole unbuttoned jean short thing hasn’t been cool since bitches were doing it while dry humping Eric Nies on MTV’s The Grind back in the 90’s. (I just dated myself pretty bad there since I’m reasonably sure that I’m the only one old enough to remember The Grind…and how badly I wanted to be on it.) Second, that top looks like an old tourist shirt from Hawaii that she put through a paper shredder, made sure it was two sizes too small and then squeezed into in the hopes that it would look like an upset cockring around her middle.

Also, her friend’s vagina is starving. It’s eating those shorts like a pancake breakfast.

Why stop at one puke worthy outfit? She goes for the gold in several more.

That one wouldn’t be so bad. If it fit her at all. It looks like a maternity jumper that is now deflated because she gave birth.

Of course, there were other assholes on parade. And I want to slap all of them.

Ouch…?

You’re orange. That is all.

You are not amish. That is all.

P.S. You’re in the desert.

I have no words. Except….Minnie Mouse is going to a funeral but is too lazy to change out of her slippers.

Another case of hungry vagina.

P.S. Girl eating watermelon, you are awesome.

 Okay, I’m done. I can’t wait for the Oscars so I can spew my hate all over that shit. By hate I mean my absolute bitterness that no one is paying me to put on a $25,000 dress and drunk walk down the red carpet.

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9 responses to “Parade of Assholes: The Second Weekend

  1. It’s a hungry vagina epidemic! I had no idea Cochella was that bad. Last time I went was in 2005 and the only people I really talked shit about were the NIN fans who were dead set on wearing all black and knee high boots in 100 degree weather. Excellent post.

  2. Lou

    Who the hell is that last hungry vagina?

  3. Sweet Bird

    Ke$ha, of course. Keeping it classy.

  4. Anja

    Coachella is the best for really horrible displays of bad fashion. And of course the icing on the cake is that they are all trying sooooo fucking hard to look sooooo fucking bad. P.S. I remember the Grind…Oh how I wished I could dance like those ladies on the Grind!

  5. Sarah Moeding

    I LOVE THAT WHITE MESH and bra/bikini situation super hard. I totally wear shit like that. With jeans shorts. Don’t hate.

    • Sweet Bird

      Expecting me to not hate when the post is called a parade of assholes is silly. The thing that bothers me about all of these outfits is that these people are trying so hard. It looks costumey and not genuine. I think someone else could rock that outfit. In fact I specifically did not shit on Katy Perry’s see through dress with granny panties because SHE makes it look like she means it.

  6. Sarah Moeding

    Also, if I didn’t know Jared Leto was in an emo band, I’d take him to bed in a second for that outfit alone.

    • Sweet Bird

      That outfit, fine. In the desert, no. And I would probably take him to bed no matter what due to lingering Jordan Catelano fantasies. Even though a girl I knew in LA slept with him and all he wanted to do was pee on her.

  7. Oh my gosh that is special

    Does Emma Stone only own one pair of socks? Smelly feet. I mean three different outfits; one pair of socks and shoes? Tell me she didn’t just crack those three ensembles out in ONE day…

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