Met Gala Part II

Alright. Part II. Let’s just jump right in. Cause I’m pretty sure I could even do a part iii.

Beyonce

Feathers must be in right now because there were a lot of them at the Met this year. Purple must be in too. But no purple feathered mess was as booty-licious as Beyonce’s. I really WANT to like this. It has a J. Lo Versace thing going on…and yet, all I see is ice skating costume. Applause for wearing it so soon after the blessed Blue Ivy, but, I’m just so stuck on 5 out of 10. It all just looks like so much..work. Fine, fine. Because it’s Beyonce and I think she’s hot as shit, I’m going to go 6.5 out of 10. Not my fave, not completely original, but fun, and all anyone can do is stare at her butt. My kind of fashion.

 

Diane Krueger 

I’ll admit straight up, I’m a usually a huge Diane Krueger fan. She has quirky style. It’s original and a little hipster. She’s skinny without making me want to yell at her like I do Kate Bosworth. I just…like her styles. Unfortunately, I do not like these styles. She looks like the feather duster in the Beauty and the Beast movie. I like the pendant. And I fucking Adore her hair and makeup. She’s almost vibing some Sienna Miller, no? But all in all? It’s all just so…heavy. The heavy with the effortless hair and makeup though? Ok, that’s kind of expert. Regardless of this review, Diane, I think you’re a babe. 6 out of 10. 

 

Sarah Jessica Parker

Usually so fashion forward. Right now, I’d like to stab my fucking eyeballs out of my face. 1 out of 10. The 1 is for the gold cuffs.

 

Mary Kate Olson

The Olsen twins. Super hot, right? But Jesus sometimes they look so fucking stupid. Mary Kate Olsen just looks miserable here. Pinched. I really like the sleeve detail, and yet, it’s also all so very Gothic Bride. She looks, just, weird. Not a fan. But only because I know she could do So. Much. Better. 4 out of 10. 

 

Cameron Diaz

Here’s the thing. I’ve never been a huge Cameron Diaz fan. Yeah. I like her perky, dirty, I-hang-with-the-boys demeanor, but looks-wise? Meh. Just, not my thing. She’s very cut. A lot of hard edges on this one. That’s not to say I don’t have leg envy or that I wouldn’t get piss drunk with her and talk filthy, but all in all, I wouldn’t want to bang her. This dress coincides with all of the above. She should have on a hot pink mini-skirt. That’s how I see Cammie D. This reads old. It’s so beaded and beige. Her back is hot but her boobs look mole hills. 3 out of 10. 3 for being your age and still looking overall HOT AS SHIT.

 

Gisele Bundchen

I pretty much always love what this Brazilian bombshell wears to the Met. With Tom Brady on her arm too, it’s always fucking Ken and Barbie, escaped from their boxes. This year is actually no different. I’ll tell you what. I’m tempted to call this boring, but I just can’t. I fucking swoon over this dress. Most everything about it. I’m not gonna lie and say it doesn’t help to have that face and that body as a hangar. Perfect. Cleavage.  And what is that? A knuckle ring? I love that! Subtly is my jam. 9 out of 10. 9 for Tom Brady’s effed up hair. wtf?

 

Gwyneth Paltrow

This looks like something a teenager should be wearing. She looks very out of place in this gown. And very…skinny. Deprived. Uncomfortable. I’ll say it. I hate it. I just really can’t find a positive. Even her skin looks too orange. Ok fine, her legs are sick. But no. For the amount of money and connections this rich bitch has, this should be worlds better than it is. 1.5 out of 10. 

 

Part III tomorrow?

xoxo, Lou

Met Gala Fashion Review Part I

The Met Fashion Gala is by far my favorite red carpet events of the year. Not only are crazy, original, fun dresses encouraged, this shit is hosted by none other than Anna Wintour herself. There is no fashion judging party like an Anna Wintour fashion judging party. And on that note…let the judgement begin!

Kate Upton

This broad became most famous recently for shoving her big beautiful tits into a teeny bikini on the cover of Sports Illustrated’s swimsuit edition. She needs to stick with that because, uh, drag queen! Except a drag queen would know better than to wear such an ill-fitting piece of garb. I mean…it makes her look like she has a pooch! And this bitch does not have a pooch. It does nothing for her. Period. 3 out of 10 : if I have to say something nice about it, I’ll say I like the sheer lines around her hips. But that. is. it! Fail.

 

Carey Mulligan

Love! It was my gut reaction when I saw her. My sister said she looks like a glamorous fish and while it sounds bad, it actually isn’t, as evidenced by this British beauty. If I could change anything, it’d be to give her a wash of color on her lips and maybe change up those shoes. But otherwise she’s channeling some Hunger Games girl on fire type shit here and I ain’t mad about it. Also love the hair. 7 out of 10

 

Kate Bosworth

Whoa. The tight ass top knot. The lips! The matching dress! The horrible insta-tan. She reminds me of a bird in a oil slick. I feel greasy just looking at her. And when’s the last time she’s been in a movie? I’m … not turned on by anything Kate Bosworth is giving me right here. I don’t think I hate this dress in theory and I quite like the shoes. I love, love, love a sexy open back. It’s just – on her? No. I can’t, I just … Eat a cheeseburger, bitch. 2 out of 10.

Addendum: The more I look at her, the less I hate it, but still. Still. There’s something not right here.

 

Florence Welch

If Kate Bosworth was trying too hard, well Florence Welch is a mother fucking fashion darling. Does she look like she wore this right off one of those crazy runways that makes you think “no one ever wears that shit for reals”? Well she actually did do just that … Minus the visor. And, I don’t hate it, I don’t hate it at all. You know why? Cause it’s the Met Mother Fucking Gala. I don’t care if it looks like she just stepped off a  mother fucking space ship. This dress makes you stop for a minute and think. For better or worse. And the color looks great with her hair. A very hard color to pull off indeed…well-played Florence. (PS – it’s McQuen. Nuff said) 8 out of 10.

Tune in tomorrow for more dress reviews! Including my best and worst of the year. …this is fun!

xoxo, Lou

Derby Day Steez

While talking to my friend Lauren last week, I got pretty dang excited about the Kentucky Derby, which was this last Saturday. When I was little, my dad would often take me to the racetrack to see the horses. He’d also let me place bets and I was enamored with the Derby Day fashion I’d see on television every year. That shit is bananas.

Luckily my fella was equally pumped and we put it on our mental calendar to be up, shopping at Goodwill, dressed and downtown, by 11 on Saturday to start drinking our Mint Juleps.

Instead we woke up at 12:30 and hastily threw our outfits together complete with a pre-race shot of whiskey. Here’s what we came up with:

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Not totally bad, right? Any hat is better than no hat if you ask me, but yeah, I think we imagined looking a little more like this:

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But instead of the millionaire racehorse owner and his sexy date we wanted to be (or the pimp ass mother fuckers above), we came out looking like the millionaire’s slutty hipster daughter and the stable boy she’s boning.

He obviously did not wear that hat all day, but my steez was appropriate for the house party we went to next, and then the bar, etc, etc. Amirite?:

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Let’s see, I have on some lingerie, a hat that I am pretty sure is from urban, my booties, some ancient ass skirt I found in the back of my closet, and a thrift store purse I found in Albuquerque. It also sort of looks like I’m farting in this photo…but let’s focus on the men at the party instead, shall we?

I thought they all looked so nice!

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I’m pretty sure I was wasted at this point and started giving out my “Fashion Award”, which was just me proclaiming through a bunch of slurs, “I think you’re the best dressed boy/girl here you sexymotherfucker!” Obviously I gave that to Tony in the middle there. And notice, not a one of those boys are wearing flip flops, for which I would have kicked their asses out of my fashion photo.

Also, I noticed this:

Image It was Cinco de Mayo, but she said fuck it! And went American all the way! Obviously not on purpose, or I would have kicked her ass out of my photo as well. Hi JJ!

Next year, me and my guy decided to ACTUALLY do it up nice. I think we’re aiming for some old school classy shit this time, a la:

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But if there’s whiskey involved, as there usually is, I make no promises.

I love a good ass kicking

Okay, kiddos, I had my first ass kicking, barely breathing aerial class this week.

IT RULED.

My skinny girl fat needs to go. Pronto.

I’m so happy to be back at aerial. Plus this time I get to learn trapeze! Fucking trapeze, bitches! I’ve got two lovely lady friends going with me and I couldn’t be more thrilled with the whole damn thing.

Quick refresher: Using the silks looks like this….

That broad is GOOOOOD. The body strength it takes to pull that shit off is insane. Unfortunately we are so far away from that kind of grace and strength…so very far from it. We look like a couple of spastic marionette puppets. All tangled, jumbled, legs always in the wrong spot and knots in our silks.

The room looks like this:

I’m a bad blogger because I only snapped one shitty phone cam picture but eat me, I was barely able to move at this point. You endure a half hour of intense stretching, a half hour climbing the silks and a half hour trying to build up the strength to do cool shit on the trapeze. You shoulders feel like someone has climbed inside of them and built little bonfires. Then they throw Grand pianos on the fires so now your shoulders burn AND you can’t move them.

I LOVE IT SO HARD!!!

Sidenote: There’s a 57 year old (possibly albino) woman in my class. That lady has balls. She tries all the same tricks, does all the some reps and smiles while doing so. She is my motivation to not suck. I can’t let a 57 year old albino show me up.

I have weeks and weeks left of this and I’m pants shittingly excited for it. Never mind the fact that my entire torso feels like it’s been crushed by a giant Transformer hand. Never mind the gimpy whining of my thighs that complain with every step because they don’t wanna stretch that way, thankyouverymuch!

This bitch is going to be FIT! 

I’ll keep you updated every now and again. Tell you if I’ve face planted off of anything…or if the 57 year old has.

Boot Steez

This a follow-up post to my boot rants. It is simply me in boots. Doing it right … obviously.Well I’m doing the boots right. I don’t know about this weirdo post and my squint eye. That damn squint eye!

Later I swapped out these boots for bowling shoes. I think bowling shoes are super cute. Like, I want a pair. But I would never wear them anywhere but bowling. So then I always talk myself out of walking out with them.

SB – I haven’t seen any steez from you in awhile. Get on that hooker.

Platform(ish) Boots: Done Right

I need to tell you, I started my research on this post by searching “Celebrity Booties” in Google. I got a butt load of Nikki Minaj ass cheek in my face. And while someday I would love to write an entire post about her incredible booty, today I am going to focus on how not to look like a Jeffery Campbell-wearing twat next time you want to pair some platform boots with your get-up.

Let me just be a complete asshole and start out like a Vogue article, showing you shit none of us will ever be able to afford. Just to get my point across that there are cuter boots out there than these.

Rag & Bone “Classic Newbury” bootie. So. Fucking. Cute. And they have a really lovely brown as well. All yours for only $495. Such a beautiful boot.

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Thanks to Miss Rachel Bilson for modeling…

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What? You want a version you can actually afford to buy without selling your first born? Fine. Shell out $90 for these Steve Madden MALLII boots and deal with the fact that because you’re not a celebrity millionaire, you have to have cheaper construction and a buckle.

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Asos also has some I probably wouldn’t make fun of you for wearing. And apparently, you can find them places for under $100.

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It’s pretty much what party girl (now pregnant party girl) Sienna Miller is rockin here…summer dress season is almost upon us!

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In fact, look, I even really, really, really like what she has on below…even thought they’re massive platforms on a dainty ankle..you do see what’s missing, don’t you? Yes. That stupid idiot platform Lita-style toe.

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Also, since that’s how I look stumblin out of bars most nights, I can pretty well imagine how cute those would be on my feet.

And look. Jefferey Campbell could probably even put me in them, alright? It’s not the designer altogether, it’s the particular shoe I despise. Why would you wear that other abomination when you could wear this??? So cute! I honestly almost bought these but realized I don’t have money for anything other than whiskey and student loan payments.

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Lucky for us they make an eerily similar $60 knock-off that will probably last a good 4-5 times out on the town.

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Totally buying those. Point is…you CAN get better boots. Whether you can afford my dream Rag & Bones or consider it a splurge to spend $60 on shoes, they do exist. This post could go on and on and on.

Instead, I want to point your attention toward a new trend that’s happening. Wedge sneakers. This particular pair is from Chloe, $375.

….would you wear wedge sneakers? I’m dying to know. Such a weird trend. But they’re kind of just like babe-a-licious hightops right?

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Let us teach you the ways of bikinis….

It will be summer here…someday. Therefore it’s time for us to do another bathing suit post. Lou posted a hot suit on our FB page the other day that reminded me. But then I saw this and I knew it was an emergency.

Girl….No.

Obviously, if women are strutting onto beaches in get-ups like this then Lou and I need to educate the masses on what’s acceptable to shove your lady parts into and what is not. That 80’s slutty batman swimsuit could rule at a costume party but it’s not meant for sunlight and sand.

Stay tuned for a post on great bikinis for the season. We’ll even throw in some unusual ones if you wanna be the kooky girl at the river this year.

Just don’t wear this:

Please.

Doing it wrong: Celebrity edition

Being a sexy man?

You’re doing it wrong.

I’m not entirely sure one can call Dr. 90210 a celebrity but I’ll bet he likes it when people do. He also likes sheer shirts and pleather pants. He’s like the Criss Angel of plastic surgery. It’s like he went back in time to Hot Topic in 1995 and stole this whole outfit. Then he returned to modern day, got a spray tan and a haircut at Supercuts and then finally bumbled his way down a red carpet.

You are not sexy.

That guy to your right though?

Pure sex.