Girl Crush

Full disclaimer. I’m not drunk. In fact, I spent the day playing hookie and painting my nails this awesome shade of mint while watching a 30 Rock marathon and eating chocolate peanut butter ice cream. I mean, it’s kind of like being drunk … and was the result of me being too drunk last night, so I guess at the end of the day it counts and we can consider me drunk right now.

(great color, right?)

Anyway, back to being fake drunk … what do I do when I’m drunk? Or sober? Or fake drunk? I judge people’s outfits! Today I want to judge Kristen Stewart, which leads me to my second confession, I have a total girl crush on her. Yes, I know she was in that twatty vampire trilogy, but I think she’s a major babe. Not so much in flat, 1-dimmensional pictures, but when she’s moving it’s hot. Her eyes are heavy-lidded, her lips are a weird, full shape, and she’s skinny, pale, and has great hair. Look at this face! I love it.

Also, I like that every time I see a pap shot of her in an airport, she’s dressed exactly like I dress almost every day. Plain jane. Someone said to my boyfriend that other day “Lou dresses so plain … it’s funny to me she keeps a fashion blog”. Yes, well, I’m drunk and judgmental and love looking at clothes, so that’s where it stems from. Not from me being a fashionista myself. I’m all about the critique and the magazines and the industry gossip. But I enjoy these things while dressing myself every day more or less like this:

I also think if I were to suddenly come in to a bunch of money cause someone made me the star of some horribly-written, blindingly successful movie trilogy, that I would make the same fashion choices as KS. For the most part, I love the fashion choices she makes, and like Diane Kruger, even when I don’t, I still enjoy looking at her because she never bores me.

The Balenciaga above? No. I don’t like it. But it’s fucking interesting to look at, right? I love the top. Love the top and would love the top with regular leather pants, but these look like they’re eating her feet, and her toes being exposed weirds me out like the pants thought her toes tasted funny and it’s all just so fashion-y and gross looking to me. Distracting. But her styling is perfection…

Here’s another dress that I don’t necessarily like, but that I still find myself staring at because it’s fucking interesting!

The length on this dress sucks. Combined with those hideous shoes? Her shins look like stubby kindergartner’s legs. And yes, all kindergartner’s have stubby shins. It’s a fact.

I don’t like the 80’s coloring. I don’t like anything, but it’s interesting. And again, I love the unfettered styling. And again, it’s Balenciaga .. makes sense right? Here’s the detailing.

It’s cool to look at, it’s just not for me. However, she wears so many dresses that I would snatch up in a heartbeat.

Look at this Balmain red leather … want! So much texture. I am a sucker for hardware.

Lace Valentino? Yes please! I guess I love texture because what these two lace fabrics do to me is disgusting. It makes me want to own a dress that probably costs as much as my college education. And I couldn’t have chosen a better shade of red lipstick myself. Love.

She looks wasted here. But the dress is super cute. It’s Yigal Azrouël. And of course she pairs it with high tops, which makes me love her more. It’s super charming. And oh, she does it all the fucking time. These dresses that cost more than your life? Yeah, she often kicks of her heels to throw on a pair of Vans. My kind of girl.

This dress is Marchesa. And I hate it. But I love that she put on some kicks.

Cute. Even though it looks sort of sloppy, I bet the bitch is comfortable. And frankly, I love that after her red carpet requirements, she cares more about her comfort than she does keeping up appearances.

So many of the dresses I just posted above show off her pale skinny legs, and they’re great legs, so I see why, but some of my favorite looks from her come when she branches out from this cocktail length and plays with shape:

Cannes 2012 in Reem Acra

I love this gown. Give it to me in a black, gray, dark purple, and I am all over it. Would definitely choose it for myself were I to ever require a red carpet gown.

Derek Lam

Love the belt! And the dress length. And the Scottish-ness of this dress. It looks cozy and sexy. And I want to wear it right now.

This is definitely one of those outfits I would never choose for myself, but would love if someone chose for me and I love it on her. While I typically shy away from pointy heels, how can I hate these Christian Louboutin’s? They’re fucking rad.

And wow! I feel better. Judging fashion is good for my soul. So is looking at Kristen Stewart’s pretty face. Now I just want to go put on some makeup and take my ass to the park for some sun and maybe, just maybe, a beer. It’s 80 and sunny here in Portland, which means there will be tons of terrible fashion to judge in the park. God bless it.

Please email me at with any fashion babes you’d like a profile of. So far I have Diane Kruger and K Stew … who should I do next???

Until next time!

xoxo, Lou


Get Fit. Stay Drunk.

Drink while you eat and eat while you drink.

Save your calories for alcohol.

… these are things I’m used to hearing from my incredibly fun, loving, amazing, vain as f*ck, Irish family/family members.

And then… all these posts from So0o Bro and yet I’m still just as lazy as ever. But that’s all about to change because this week, starting tomorrow, marks the beginning of my efforts to become a healthier human being, while still continuing to get drunk and make fun of fashion.

I don’t want to become militant about my fitness, a la So0o Bro, but I do want to get fit and feel good and prolong my youthful looks as long as possible. One problem is, I really, really love to drink and I live in a city where there are a ton of ridiculously good looking, fun, and fashionable people to join in my boozy shenanigans. I don’t want to give this up. I won’t give this up. I really love my life. Which is why I want to take measures to make it last a little while longer.

Exercise? It hit a peak in my life when I dated a professional baseball player, which consequently made me feel like I had to have an equally athletic body … which, yeah, of course never really happened, but it was a great effort let me tell you.

Now. I live in this cycle. I’ll “accidentally” go out and get really drunk and then I’ll wake up and go to work at a job I really like except that it more or less forces me to sit at a desk in an office all day and the only think that makes me feel less like dying from a hangover is shit tons of greasy pizza.

I don’t want to by a gym rat, but I also don’t want to stay a booze hound. I need to find a nice balance. I’ve always been better at regulating diet than I have been at regulating my alcohol intake. I blame my family. Just look at the pictures below, as I prepare healthy lunches for the week following a 3-mimosa breakfast and cracking open a PBR tallboy:

Food in my kitchen right now. Pretty good right??

Alcohol options in my kitchen right now. Also pretty good, no??

I really appreciate So0o Bro’s newfound enthusiasm for getting buff, but come on, I think at the end of the day what I need to be…what we all need to be…is realistic. I tell myself I’m going to get fit! This week! Starting tomorrow! And it doesn’t happen. Cause guess what? It isn’t realistic. I love to go out with my friends and I love to drink. I love to drink and judge fashion and gossip and write this blog.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I am REALLY good at socializing and drinking. And it’s my nature to latch on to anything I’m good at:

I like to drink and do a lot of stuff. But I don’t love to drink and go to the gym. Weird, right? But, I am ready to find a way to make some time for it and slowly start to tweak my habits cause let’s face it, I’m not going to be young forever.

I have to work a little harder for that flat tummy, which, btw, at 28 I no longer have. I have to prepare for the days that an occasional cigarette turns into instant crows lines by my eyes. I need to start thinking about yeah, maybe having a brat some day, and the highlights of my night being a child asleep by 9 and not a rowdy bar fight and a top my tits look great in. It’s time. It’s been time for awhile. But now’s the time I really put it out in the universe and make it happen. I hope.

By doing it slowly. By not giving up on alcohol and friends and life as I know it. I need the gym to sneak attack into my life.

Starting with the lunches you saw above .. and the booze you saw above too.

3 nights at the gym this week.

A doctor’s appointment this week.

AND a trip to get my teeth cleaned.

Clean Slate.

It’s mother fucking health week. If I can make my ass look better with a little exercise and some veggies in my body, think how great I’ll feel in clothes. And then I can keep drinking whatever I want and coming on here to write all about it! That idea alone has me pumped. File this under … Health Experiement. Get Fit. Stay Drunk.

xoxo, Lou

Drunk Slacker Status

I had big plans to write last night while doing laundry. Instead my one drink at the bar turned into three and the rest is history. Tonight I have a lady date for a charity event. Suppose I could make a steez post out of that since I have no clue what to wear. But I do have ample wine to drink while I figure it out.

And in the meantime, go “Like” the blog facebook page! I’m always busy posting random shit over there…like this incredibly half-assed review of my favorite new skin cream. And..sake!

xoxo, Lou

Cardio, noooooo!!!

(I just have to say, I was late getting this post up because I was too busy getting drunk in a movie theater watching Prometheus in 3D. And after reading it, I realize I am totally one of those people that works out like, twice a week, and considers it a success.Typically, I just find there is something I would way rather do than workout and yeah, I pay for it with a back that hurts and way too many hangovers, but shit, I have a lot of fun.

I know I don’t want to speed up my aging cause I’m a vain bitch, but I know that’s exactly what will happen if I stay this lazy and this consistently drunk. I really do want to make some minor tweaks to my lifestyle (which I imagine is where a lot of us are .. not yet at the 5-6 days of cardio this guy suggests, pft, but starting slow is still something to be proud of!) For my part, I’m still waiting for my initial motivation to kick in…hoping these So0obro posts push me there. Enjoy!)

What’s up CWPL readers?! SO0o Bro is back with more fitness advice for you drunk-ass Hipsters. Lil’ Lou sent me the hundreds of emails you sent her and I was surprised to see what most of you wanted to know about.

Besides wondering if I’m single or not (971-227-8345 – find out for yourself), the next most asked question was about different CARDIO workouts to shred the FAT. Knowing that most of you readers drink A LOT, I’m guessing that running is not your best friend (SHIT, you probably hate working out and are just reading this post because your friends with Lil’ Lou). So, I’m going to give you some different CARDIO workouts to choose from and YOU can choose which one works best for you.

First off, it should be mentioned that Cardio, actually working out in general, SUCKS. Working out for the first time after a long break can be very exciting as well as defeating. YOU NEED TO REMEMBER IT GETS BETTER. That soreness that you’re hating so much will eventually go away and you might actually miss it once it’s gone! That shortness of breath from running around the block will eventually come after an 8 mile run! YOU WILL HAVE RESULTS. Well…if you push yourself as hard as you can. Your mind will quit long before your body!
Don’t think working out hard is sexy? THINK AGAIN!  Girl, I want to see you SWEATING and have some FIRE in your eyes. If you are smiling during your run, you need to start running faster!

(Lou: Cute Suit!)

CYCLE, RUN, SWIM, and wait for it…


That’s right, DANCING. This shit burns calories like SNOOP burns TREES! Whether you’re on the pole or dancing to soul, this is a great alternative to conventional workouts. Plus it shows dudes how great you are in the sack (guys totally judge women on their dancing skills! KNOWN FACT), and not to mention it’s done best with a drink in hand! (Lou: Count me in)

Also,  YOU CAN DANCE ANYWHERE, FOR FREE! Dance in the right place and you can even make a buck or two. Don’t want to cut a rug in public? Keep your dancing at home! Put on that record you can’t help but move to and go at it for an hour or two. The key is to continue moving. KEEP THE HEART RATE UP. Dance for 2 hours and you will burn around 700 calories or MORE!!! BOOM!

Dancing can also be a great core exercise! But remember you want to get that HEART RATE UP and really push yourself to keep moving at a good pace.
So, whether your running everyday or dancing to your favorite BUSTA RHYME$ album, just remember to go harder and faster than last time.  Doing cardio 1 day a week ain’t gonna do SHIT!!! You need to be doing cardio 5-6 days a week and giving yourself 1-2 days rest.  Also remember to eat well and DRINK LESS! (LOU! This means you) The more you DRINK the more you have to RUN! (Lou: ew)

I prefer CYCLING for my CARDIO.

Cheap Wine and Lady Like

God Bless guest blogs. Amirite? This one here is from my sister. She’s a lady. A proper lady with very lady-like fashion, and very lady-like speech. Unlike my cuss mouth. And I’m also pretty sure she wasn’t drunk when she wrote this, although she is a Dwyer, so you never know.
My big sis happens to be poor like me on account of obtaining a stellar, expensive as fuck education. Yay! Instead of crying about it, we like to find ways around it (sometimes we cry about it), which is what she’s here to tell you about. Finding lady-like fashion options all on the cheap. So grab a glass (or bottle) of wine and enjoy!
(PS – like what you see? Check her out here:
Style Icons. We all have them, and they exist in a myriad of incarnations. When I think of my sisters, I appreciate how distinct our different styles are. My older sister has a very relaxed yet elegant style, similar to Blake Lively and Jennifer Aniston.

Meanwhile my younger sister – author of this fantastic blog – has, as you can see, a very hip, edgy, bohemian vibe a la Sienna Miller or Nicole Richie.

For me, it’s always been the Classics. The Hepburns, both Audrey and Kate. Jackie O. Grace Kelly. Coco Chanel. Give me pearls and pencil skirts and a-line dresses and cardigans galore! Bows, polka dots, and skinny capri pants rule my closet.

If I could afford it, I would probably never shop anywhere other than Kate Spade and JCrew. But yikes – have you seen their prices?? So how do I dress myself with ladylike flair as a gal of limited means?

Here’s where we talk about one of the most important words in this post: Sale.

Can you remember the last time you bought something full price? I cannot. In fact, it has been so long since I felt justified in purchasing a Brand New item, that I’ve been hemming and hawing over this dress for months now. I have a job. I can afford it, more or less. It’s for a Friend’s Wedding that I am Officiating. I have the Bride’s Approval (xoxo, C!) so what is holding me back?? It’s not on sale. And on sale is the only way I know how to shop. Well, On Sale paired with Thrift Stores and Buffalo Exchange, which amount to essentially the same thing.

Here’s a prime example: I am obsessed with these pants. Obsessed. They look great, they’re comfy, and I can ride my bike in them. Exhibit A:

-Confession: this was for a film shoot and that’s not my bike. I’m wearing a ton more makeup than normal and those lashes are completely fake. But those are my Minnie Pants-

But I can only buy them when they go on sale. In my size. Because $88+ for pants sounds crazy to me. I live on an artist’s salary, people. So at the moment I have two pair, though I must confess, that Vibrant Flame color is begging to be #3…. (Go on Sale, Vibrant Flame Minnie Pants!)

My denim Minnie Pants are the perfect base for Ladylike Casual, and my knit Minnie Pants are perfect for workplace attire. If only they went on sale more often.

When shopping on a budget it’s also key to scour thrift stores and shop at Buffalo Exchange, if you’re lucky enough to have one where you live. Scouring is key. You have to hunt for the gems, so don’t head out to shop expecting instant gratification. Some of my favorite items from such excursions include:

JCrew flats

1950’s vintage party dress

This shrug.* That necklace. And those gloves.

Not a single item featured above cost me more than $30.

Another key word in fancy dress for less: Borrow. Let’s zoom in on those Ah-mazing heels featured in the first photo of me:

These are not mine. These belong to my friend Amelia, who also dresses like a lady but has longer purse strings. Luckily she is also kind and generous, so I get to borrow these shoes.

There are some items though that just remain elusive, in spite of the aforementioned tactics. For example, I’ve yet to find a black, structured, ladylike bag that I can afford, even on sale. I love this bag and this bag, but even on sale they’re too much, and I have found nothing comparable in my price range.

This leads us to, last but not least, a handy little phrase: Save to Invest.

It might seem insane because you are so thrifty, but I promise that if you find something that you Love that is of Very High Quality, it can be worth it to pinch those pennies until you can afford it. Odds are good that if you properly care for such items, they will be with you Forever.

Case in point: When I ended up going to Paris on my way to study abroad in Spain, I couldn’t stop dreaming of Shoes. Shoes in Paris. So I made a point of including a Shoe Budget as I saved up for my trip. In the end I had about $300 to spend on shoes. Which yes, is totally F*ing bananas. But I may never go back to Paris, because I’m too busy paying off the student loans I took out to study abroad in the first place, so there I was living in the moment. And the end result?

These were not on sale, and they were not cheap. But I’ve had them for five years now, I’ve worn them a ton, and they look as great as the day that I bought them. They’re also the only stilettos I own, because they’re the most comfortable stilettos on the planet.

To sum up, think of your quest for affordable lady clothes as your own personal battleship: The SSBS. Save. Scour thrift stores. Borrow. Save to invest.
Class dismissed.

*Yes, it’s real, vintage rabbit fur. And I love it. A bunny may have been killed 60 years ago to make it, but I still love it.

Let’s Talk about Diane Kruger

I love looking at Diane Kruger. Here’s why.

A. She’s totally gorgeous

B. Her and Joshua Jackson are totally adorable

C. And C. Her fashion is  totally fun, totally interesting, and most often, really fucking cute.

Instead of focusing on all Diane Kruger looks from all of time, I thought I’d give a review of her Cannes 2012 looks. She was on the jury panel this year and because of that, she was freaking everywhere. For days and days, she was splattered across my gossip blogs in gorgeous gowns just begging me to judge her. Wish come true time. Let’s get started.


I’m not usually into dresses reminiscent of wedding gowns, but for some reason … this doesn’t really bother me. Even though it is So. White. I really like the varying textures up top. I’m less crazy about the bottom. Kinda gross. But I love that photog’s face behind her. That dude is into it. Her makeup is fresh. The purple flower is the most perfect shade. It flatters her shape. …apart from sort of hating the dress itself (mostly on account of the bottom) I like this look. Bitch pulls of white really well, no? And yeah, hair and makeup. Nailed it.


I feel like a lot of you will hate this dress. It’s Dior. She wore it to the closing ceremonies, or whatever the fuck they call the final red carpet in Cannes. It’s gotta be like the end of the Olympics, right? Anyway, I don’t hate it and here’s why. That structure? With that pattern? Totally unexpected. And interesting. Right? Admit it! Everyone can have an opinion on this dress and trust…not everyone would choose to wear it, which is why I love her. It’s a picnic ballgown. It’s … weird. I love it cause it’s weird. She has a flawless face, and yeah, she might not need makeup with a dress like that, but still, I could have used some pink blush or some shit.


Love, love, love. Let me count the ways I love this outfit. I wish I had it on right now. Yes. I wish I were sitting in my living room chair, under a Pendleton blanket, drinking $3 wine, in this exact outfit. I really liked her casual dress much more this year than I did her gowns. Those shoes look so fun. With the short, fuller skirt? And the simple black and white with gold accents a la sexy sailor? I’m into it.  Girl has got legs. However, this is not my favorite outift from her Cannes rounds. I’ll get to that in a bit.


It’s Chanel. And maybe I am just meh on it because it’s so … cute. It’s darling, right? Joshua Jackson is still looking adorable. He’s always wearing that same boring tux. Just the perfect arm candy to her big event. Things I do like: the dramatic eye makeup with such a precious dress. It’s like covering a white baby doll dress (if people still wear those) with a leather jacket. and…THE SHOES. Please give me those shoes. Thank you.


She looks like a god damn Oscar statue. How can I hate that? And lots of people try and wear gold dresses like this, but her Vivienne Westwood version is so Structured. It’s really fucking beautiful. The 1940’s hair is a nice touch. That dress is LIQUID. It is .. yeah. I might be drunk. I really like how pretty that dress is right now. And I really like how pretty it makes her look. Photographs like a dream. Well played.


Jason Wu blue and black. I think I want to hate this, but I don’t. It’s so weird! Actually the more I look at it, the more I like it. Navy blue and black is like brown and black to me. People say don’t do it (do they say that? this is why this blog is unqualified) but it’s examples like this that make it work for me. Plus. Again, it’s interesting. I can’t stop looking at the dress. The lace. The belt. The short and the long. It’s a really intriguing play on those damn mullet dresses that are all the sudden all up in fashion’s face. I’ll write you a drunk post about them. I give this dress a B. I give her shoes with this dress a FAIL.


I’m sorry! I hated this! I don’t think I’m partial to chiffon-ish dresses. So..gauzy. And I like the color, I just don’t like the color on this particular dress. In fact. I hated it. I’m really bored every time I see this dress. it’s Giambattista Valli. It does some crazy ass shit in the wind, which I can appreciate:

I understand why she wore it. I’m just not sure I support it. But I can tell you I support it more than this hideous mess –

Worst fucking thing I’ve ever seen. What is this? It is so fucking awful. Like, ice skater meets gray, dirty, fraggle rock, train wreck, disaster-ville. Ew. No.

Moving on…


Yay! Palate Cleansed! This dress. Favorite. These shoes. Favorite. The dress with the shoes. Favorite! Her hair is perfect with those loose waves. The dress is playful and the shoes are naughty. It looks sort of uncomfortable, but she looks so comfortable in it. Loved this look the moment I saw it. And as a nod to Diane Kruger, check it out on this shitty model. It looks way worse, right?:

The designer is Versus, and they apparently pick shit models. That model looks like she’s on meth. Diane Kruger though, she’s a babe. And such a fun case study!


Thanks for joining as I judge all her Cannes 2012 outfits. If you want me to judge anyone in particular, please let me know at Open to suggestions, otherwise, I’m thinking I’ll line up…Kristen Stewart. No, seriously, I love to stare at and think about her style choices!

xoxo, Lou

Get Drunk, Get Fit

Hey ya’ll. Lately I’ve noticed I no longer have the body I did when I was 22. I know. It happens to all of us and now that I’m 28, that beer I spend all week guzzling is no longer simply pissed away. Instead, these days it makes a pit stop at my belly, decides it’s nice and soft and cozy there, and never leaves. I’m over it and fine! I realize I might actually have to do some work to get rid of it.

So, to help me in my efforts, I’ve enlisted the help of someone I know can whip me into shape. He’s a major bro, his name is So0obro in fact, check him out here, and he has a lot of good advice. He’s kind of like a douchey drill sargeant that really wants to help you get a better ass. So go ahead and ask him your questions. (email to Want to know how to get a good work out while lifting your PBR cans? Seriously, I bet he could tell you. Challenge him! And meanwhile I’ll be at the gym trying to get rid of this stupid beer gut.

What’s up You lazy ass mother fuckers?! Lil’ Lou came to me the other day asking how she can take that soft body and turn it into a hard body before we get out of river drinking season. I said FUCK YEAH! (You can say I’m a specialist in this category. Just look at the photo below).

I grew up in Southern California where no one wore more than two articles of clothing on any given day. I seriously thought board-shorts were a respectable article of clothing to wear to work for most of my life. Girls wore bikinis every day and the world was a much better place.
Now that I live in Portland,  no one wears beach attire, even at the BEACH! There are more girls in cut off shorts and band tees at the river then there are flotation devices of any sort. WTF!!!

No, bitch! You can’t come to the river with me in that!

I narrowed it down to three reasons why I don’t see as many bikinis during the hot Portland summers as I do in SoCal:

  1. You don’t own a bathing suit of any kind. I understand that this can happen all the way up here in the North West region of America. We ARE really close to Canada!

Here is my advice; FUCKING BUY ONE! It’s hard to see the shape of your boobs through an old LL Cool J t-shirt.

  1. You’re afraid of getting skin cancer. Well you did move to the right place to hide from the sun but remember that there are only about 3 solid weeks when the sun is out and in full effect. If the sun affects you so much that you have to keep all your cloths on to enjoy a river date, then keep moving north. (Lou: Sunscreen ladies and gents!)
  1. YOU’RE OUT OF SHAPE!!! I’m going to focus on this issue.

I believe this BLOG did a piece a while back on skinny fat: The worst epidemic to hit Portland since UGGS. And let me just say that it is a terrible disorder that needs to be remedied STAT! The only problem is no one wants to work to correct it.
Why is it so un-cool to workout all of a sudden? Ever since I started hitting the gym hard and watching what I eat, I have lost the following: 4 really good friends, the desire to get wasted every night (Lou: hmmmm, not sure I want this side effect), the desire to smoke cigarettes all day long, my hatred of Nike shoes and clothing, AND MY SOFT ASS BODY!
What I have gained from my recent life changing decisions: I feel FUCKING healthy! My back no longer hurts at the end of the day from BLUE COLLAR work. I HAVE A FUCKING SIX PACK!!! Female coworkers and friends now touch my arms or abs and go, “ HOLY SHIT, MAN! YOU’RE BUFF!”



So ladies. To summarize: GET IN THE FUCKING GYM!
I will be posting more articles to this blog about different workout routines to get you out of the tees and into bikinis. For now just do sit-ups, push-ups and squats till you can’t do them anymore and then just repeat that everyday.  Running and biking never killed anyone either.
I hope to see some tits at the river this year, not covered by Billy Joel’s face.

(Lou: While I do feel pretty ok in a bikini, I could feel better, and for my part, ladies, I think this is something you should do for you first and then let your man or other men, or women, or whoever, let them benefit second. This is about feeling good about your tits and your ass and all of the in between. And it’s about feeling healthy and strong. And…I also just want to be able to keep getting drunk without getting fat. So, there’s that. So let’s do it! Let’s…workout? Ugh)

Again, like what you see here? He has his own blog! Don’t we all, right? See more from So0obro on tumblr: