Hey ya’ll. Lately I’ve noticed I no longer have the body I did when I was 22. I know. It happens to all of us and now that I’m 28, that beer I spend all week guzzling is no longer simply pissed away. Instead, these days it makes a pit stop at my belly, decides it’s nice and soft and cozy there, and never leaves. I’m over it and fine! I realize I might actually have to do some work to get rid of it.
So, to help me in my efforts, I’ve enlisted the help of someone I know can whip me into shape. He’s a major bro, his name is So0obro in fact, check him out here, and he has a lot of good advice. He’s kind of like a douchey drill sargeant that really wants to help you get a better ass. So go ahead and ask him your questions. (email to firstname.lastname@example.org) Want to know how to get a good work out while lifting your PBR cans? Seriously, I bet he could tell you. Challenge him! And meanwhile I’ll be at the gym trying to get rid of this stupid beer gut.
What’s up You lazy ass mother fuckers?! Lil’ Lou came to me the other day asking how she can take that soft body and turn it into a hard body before we get out of river drinking season. I said FUCK YEAH! (You can say I’m a specialist in this category. Just look at the photo below).
I grew up in Southern California where no one wore more than two articles of clothing on any given day. I seriously thought board-shorts were a respectable article of clothing to wear to work for most of my life. Girls wore bikinis every day and the world was a much better place.
Now that I live in Portland, no one wears beach attire, even at the BEACH! There are more girls in cut off shorts and band tees at the river then there are flotation devices of any sort. WTF!!!
No, bitch! You can’t come to the river with me in that!
I narrowed it down to three reasons why I don’t see as many bikinis during the hot Portland summers as I do in SoCal:
- You don’t own a bathing suit of any kind. I understand that this can happen all the way up here in the North West region of America. We ARE really close to Canada!
Here is my advice; FUCKING BUY ONE! It’s hard to see the shape of your boobs through an old LL Cool J t-shirt.
- You’re afraid of getting skin cancer. Well you did move to the right place to hide from the sun but remember that there are only about 3 solid weeks when the sun is out and in full effect. If the sun affects you so much that you have to keep all your cloths on to enjoy a river date, then keep moving north. (Lou: Sunscreen ladies and gents!)
- YOU’RE OUT OF SHAPE!!! I’m going to focus on this issue.
I believe this BLOG did a piece a while back on skinny fat: The worst epidemic to hit Portland since UGGS. And let me just say that it is a terrible disorder that needs to be remedied STAT! The only problem is no one wants to work to correct it.
Why is it so un-cool to workout all of a sudden? Ever since I started hitting the gym hard and watching what I eat, I have lost the following: 4 really good friends, the desire to get wasted every night (Lou: hmmmm, not sure I want this side effect), the desire to smoke cigarettes all day long, my hatred of Nike shoes and clothing, AND MY SOFT ASS BODY!
What I have gained from my recent life changing decisions: I feel FUCKING healthy! My back no longer hurts at the end of the day from BLUE COLLAR work. I HAVE A FUCKING SIX PACK!!! Female coworkers and friends now touch my arms or abs and go, “ HOLY SHIT, MAN! YOU’RE BUFF!”
So ladies. To summarize: GET IN THE FUCKING GYM!
I will be posting more articles to this blog about different workout routines to get you out of the tees and into bikinis. For now just do sit-ups, push-ups and squats till you can’t do them anymore and then just repeat that everyday. Running and biking never killed anyone either.
I hope to see some tits at the river this year, not covered by Billy Joel’s face.
(Lou: While I do feel pretty ok in a bikini, I could feel better, and for my part, ladies, I think this is something you should do for you first and then let your man or other men, or women, or whoever, let them benefit second. This is about feeling good about your tits and your ass and all of the in between. And it’s about feeling healthy and strong. And…I also just want to be able to keep getting drunk without getting fat. So, there’s that. So let’s do it! Let’s…workout? Ugh)
Again, like what you see here? He has his own blog! Don’t we all, right? See more from So0obro on tumblr: so0obro.tumblr.com