Whoa Shoes

Holy shit. I tried to do some quick shoe shopping at work this morning and ended up writing this blog post instead because it was such a raging weird experience. And yeah, I really should have been paying attention to all the weird shoes out there way before this, but whatever:

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FINSK 116-97

Whoa, right? How come I never see these on people? I am sure there are some Portlanders that would totally wear these. Oh wait, because they’re $995.95!! Come on. Just call it $1000. Does the sales tactic of making it .9995 really work or even matter in this instance?

Wait, wait, look at these:

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Eee! Ew! Awesome! I don’t know.

Those are the LAASSKA Mt. Goat boots. Of course they are. Price tag: $229.95

I’m pulling all of these from Solestruck.com. They’re tagline is: TO RID THE WORLD OF UGLY SHOES ONE PAIR AT A TIME.

I don’t get it. If anything, this site aims to invite the ugliest shoes to the party where they can all throw down to be the ugliest, weirdest shoes on the planet. And it’s not a bad thing. It’s great. It’s super fun. It’s also why I have such a bastard-ass time trying to find shoes I like and only ever end up wearing Vans. This shit is intimidating to me.

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JOHN FLUEVOG – ARCH BOOT (CHEETAH) $419.95

Omg, $400 crazy shoes. They remind me of something any member of KISS would want to wear on like, a normal non-stage day. I applaud the people actually wearing these. I love these people. This is why I love fashion – so I can stare at people that drop money on any of these shoes in an attempt to make it work.

So many of these shoes are of course created by my nemesis Jeffrey Campbell. For fucks sake I swear his goal is to make the ugliest, stupidest shoes ever.

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JEFFREY CAMPBELL – KICK IT – $189.95

These look like a monster.

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JEFFREY CAMPBELL – VAY CAY – $164.95

Eww!

Jeffrey-Campbell-shoes-Pointe-(Dark-Green-Patent)-010604JEFFREY CAMPBELL – POINTE – $169.95

Ewwww!!!

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JEFFREY CAMPBELL – 4 EVZ – $129.95

Ok, these I kind of liked because they’re covered in ponies. And the name “4 Evz” is so precious. And oh they’re in my price range! But still the image of me teetering around in these is pretty funny. Ridiculous ass shoes.

In all fairness he does make some shoes that aren’t totally cray:

Jeffrey-Campbell-shoes-Everly-(Camel-Snake)-010604JC – EVERLY SNAKE – $209.95

Jeffrey-Campbell-shoes-Fontane-(Black)-010604JC – FONTANE – $129.95

But that is just no fun. This post is not to talk about shoes I might actually buy. Ugh I hate buying shoes. It’s just to tell you to go get on Solestruck.com and look at all the magic that’s there. It really is fun. Gleeful even. I had such a fun time avoiding work this morning. And absolutely no fun continuing to fail miserably at actually finding cute shoes that suit me.

xoxo,

Lou

 

 

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Schwing!

Tia Carrere is a mega babe. I was reminded of that while re-watching Wayne’s World over the holiday weekend. I was also reminded of her incredible 90’s wardrobe in that movie. As I said, the zipper dress she wears midway through is probably my favorite, although with all the lace, leather, cleavage, and leg there is to rival it, it was still a hard choice to make.

It’s so ridiculous I love it. There is no way those zippers serve any function. I’m obsessed.

It’s also one of her least-hot outfits of the film. She wears some super crazy shit:

If I had been older than 9 when Wayne’s World came out, I would have wanted this outfit so bad. I just know it. And duh, hoops. Never say no to hoops. And the lacy stripper store gloves? Gah. So good. I mean, it was just so cool.

Wait, wait though. Before I continue. Super serious question … Tia Carrere or Christina Applegate a la Kelly Bundy?


Now tell me, would you wear this:

Because illusion pants are totally back. 90’s style is where it’s at. Haha, look at Lara Flynn Boyle as Stacy in the background. Such a funny movie. I want to look at optical illusion pants now as well as Twin Peaks LFB.

I mean, of course Gwen Stefani would, right? But would you? I think I would.

So pretty … but Jesus, Mary, and Joseph have you seen her lately? Prepare to be horrified.

Ah!

I’m way off topic because of LFB’s melting ass face. So to get back on topic, let me show you what Tia Carrere thinks of that monster plastic surgery face:

God bless Rob Lowe, too. Right? Although not sure Tia Carrere can really talk shit to Lara Flynn Boyle since I guess she was recently on some season of Dancing with the Stars? I’ve never seen that show, but I’m guessing it’s not chalk full of A-listers or anything. Let me find a pic of her now …

Erm, the fuck? Her face is still great, but not as great as her dance partner’s. What the hell is even going on here? $20 says she would have won that stupid show if she had worn only outfits from Wayne’s World.

Right?

Anyway. I had to write about how hot she was. So super hot. And she wore 90’s clothes so well. Guns n’ Roses video style. Look at this face:

Now look at this face:

Ha! Gotcha.

 

xoxo, Lou

Neon Red Carpet

We all know I like the looks of Kristen Stewart, and we also all know I am not always a fan of neon, so imagine my dismay when I saw this:

On Lainey Gossip.

I’m pretty sure I said in my article about neon that it was usually a case of all or nothing, and yet, this just really doesn’t do it for me. When I see the thumbnails all lined up in a row, I just really hate how it pops off the page. Maybe I’m just a total square.

What she did do right though was wear these awesome fucking shoes:

It’s an awesome pairing and one that I can approve of:

But maybe it’s not even the neon … that dress just kind of accentuates her awkwardness, right? Maybe we can just chalk it up to the fact that she’s at the premier for Twilight so almost everything has to suck ass.

Anyway, what this is all reminding me of is the fact that I still haven’t posted my profile on art gallery owner extraordinaire and gorgeous girl friend of mine, (despite loving neon) Paige. I’ll shoot off my fashion questions to her today and post that profile asap.

In the meantime, tell me what you think: K Stew in neon … hit or miss?

xoxo, Lou

The French Get Freaky … Haute Coture Fashion Week Mother F*cker!

It’s Haute Coture Fashion Week all up in Paris right now, which means we get to look at stuff like this:

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Maison Martin Margiela

Is that a doorknob? A crotch doorknob? You’re just confused about the thing on her face, right? But I can’t get past that doorknob. And how does that bitch walk in that mask!? But call me crazy, I actually do kind of like the see-through pants/skirt trend happening lately, even though I think most Real people probably can’t pull it off.

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Maison Martin Margiela

Would I wear this skirt that Lana Del Rey has on below? Yes, yes, I probably would. Or at least some variation of it.In fact I kind of want one to wear right now.

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Let’s see. What else was good enough, or weird enough, to talk about on the French Catwalks?

I was feelin the Jean-Paul Gautier Egyptian-esque, 1920’s Circus/Mediterranean super lush colors, fabrics, patterns, and textures:

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And his whacky ass turban did not disappoint either.  ….Are we still trying to do turbans btw? I’ve never seen one on the streets of Portland and can’t be sure if anyone is still trying, but I think I’m sure that I wish they would…

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Love that final dress.

And to contrast, Christian Dior had some amazing clean line silhouettes that I would fucking die for. Although his models really need to EAT. Jesus.

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Love the orange, houndstooth, green/white shoe ensemble. Perfect mix of colors.

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Model boobs!

And of course the requisite whackiness:

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But can we also take a look at his runway? How crazy with all those flowers everywhere? Fashion shows of this caliber are no fucking joke. Nice touch. And how many of you want this red dress?

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Lastly, for today, let’s look at….Chanel. I was crazy fucking bored.

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Ew! What is that pink poodle mess above? It was old and ugly. The whole thing. I hated all of it and  usually I’m not so crazy anti-Chanel, but this all just sucked. … well except for this. This was kind of cool.

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I feel creeped out. I think a lot of it is that model. Can she really not move her arms, or is she just playin like she can’t move her arms?

There is TONS more Paris Haute Coture Fashion week to cover. I wanted to touch on it now, but later, when I’m wasted, I’d love to really dive in and give you some more, probably better, judgey reviews.

Until then …. Happy Monday!

xoxo, Lou

Le freak, So Shiekh

The other day I was at the mall with Olivia. Yes the mall. I love the mall. The smell of pretzels and artificial cheese heavy in the air, scene kids with hideous haircuts skipping by with their Hello, Kitty backpacks and bargains galore!

Unfortunately we were there shopping for birthday gifts and I’m more broke than an America’s Next Top Model finalist so I did no bargain shopping of my own. However, we couldn’t resist a trip to Shiekh. Oh Shiekh, how I love you. You take the most upsetting shoe trends and make them even more upsetting by adding glitter, flames, spikes and all other varieties of adornment that have no place on feet.

Even your logo is terrible. God, I love you.

I have bought a few pairs of non-blingy boots from here that I adore. Granted they tend to fall apart after a few months but whatevs, my fashion attention span is that of a hyperactive two year old high on sugar.

The shoes I saw that day were so surprisingly bad. One of two things must be happening:

1. I’m really and truly getting old. So old that I’m genuinely confounded by fashions worn by kids these days. 

2. The fashions that kids these days are really and truly getting more horrible. 

Truly hideous shoes in point:

WTF? Please ignore the clown shoes in the back and focus on the “snake in an oil spill by the nuclear power plant” monstrosities that I’m holding. Why….why, why does there need to be a small weird little platform under the toe? Is the shoe not attention grabbing enough? Barf, I say. BARF.

There is only one occasion that these shoes would be acceptable for. If you are one of the people in the dragon costume at a Chinese New Year parade. Then fine, your little kooky dragon feet would be adorable. Other than that? No, bitch. No.

These could be cool as part of a Halloween costume. Sexy creature from the black lagoon? Aquaman? Unfortunately, broads are hoofin’ downtown in these things. I don’t even have any words left. I’m overcome by the ugly.

Part of me wonders how much I would have pissed my pants with glee if someone had gifted these shoes on me when I was 17. I think there would be some seriously wet pants. But at 17 I also had a bright pink pixie cut, giant men’s polyester pants and little boy t-ball tees from salvation Army. I wasn’t exactly drowning in good taste.

I feel like grown women should know better. But again, maybe I’m just old and crotchety.

Oh and also…

This may be the end of my friendship with Lou but I have to admit, I really like these booties. They’re definitely Jeffery Cambell rip-offs but the toe isn’t as bulbous and horrifying.

I think they’re so cute. I’m sorry, Lou! I just bought this dress:

And it screams for booties. For those booties. Oh god, the shame!!!! The shame!!!!!

Okay. That’s all. I have to go soak my eyeballs in whiskey to get rid of all the vomit inducing, blinding shoes I just looked at.

Met Gala Fashion Review Part I

The Met Fashion Gala is by far my favorite red carpet events of the year. Not only are crazy, original, fun dresses encouraged, this shit is hosted by none other than Anna Wintour herself. There is no fashion judging party like an Anna Wintour fashion judging party. And on that note…let the judgement begin!

Kate Upton

This broad became most famous recently for shoving her big beautiful tits into a teeny bikini on the cover of Sports Illustrated’s swimsuit edition. She needs to stick with that because, uh, drag queen! Except a drag queen would know better than to wear such an ill-fitting piece of garb. I mean…it makes her look like she has a pooch! And this bitch does not have a pooch. It does nothing for her. Period. 3 out of 10 : if I have to say something nice about it, I’ll say I like the sheer lines around her hips. But that. is. it! Fail.

 

Carey Mulligan

Love! It was my gut reaction when I saw her. My sister said she looks like a glamorous fish and while it sounds bad, it actually isn’t, as evidenced by this British beauty. If I could change anything, it’d be to give her a wash of color on her lips and maybe change up those shoes. But otherwise she’s channeling some Hunger Games girl on fire type shit here and I ain’t mad about it. Also love the hair. 7 out of 10

 

Kate Bosworth

Whoa. The tight ass top knot. The lips! The matching dress! The horrible insta-tan. She reminds me of a bird in a oil slick. I feel greasy just looking at her. And when’s the last time she’s been in a movie? I’m … not turned on by anything Kate Bosworth is giving me right here. I don’t think I hate this dress in theory and I quite like the shoes. I love, love, love a sexy open back. It’s just – on her? No. I can’t, I just … Eat a cheeseburger, bitch. 2 out of 10.

Addendum: The more I look at her, the less I hate it, but still. Still. There’s something not right here.

 

Florence Welch

If Kate Bosworth was trying too hard, well Florence Welch is a mother fucking fashion darling. Does she look like she wore this right off one of those crazy runways that makes you think “no one ever wears that shit for reals”? Well she actually did do just that … Minus the visor. And, I don’t hate it, I don’t hate it at all. You know why? Cause it’s the Met Mother Fucking Gala. I don’t care if it looks like she just stepped off a  mother fucking space ship. This dress makes you stop for a minute and think. For better or worse. And the color looks great with her hair. A very hard color to pull off indeed…well-played Florence. (PS – it’s McQuen. Nuff said) 8 out of 10.

Tune in tomorrow for more dress reviews! Including my best and worst of the year. …this is fun!

xoxo, Lou

Let us teach you the ways of bikinis….

It will be summer here…someday. Therefore it’s time for us to do another bathing suit post. Lou posted a hot suit on our FB page the other day that reminded me. But then I saw this and I knew it was an emergency.

Girl….No.

Obviously, if women are strutting onto beaches in get-ups like this then Lou and I need to educate the masses on what’s acceptable to shove your lady parts into and what is not. That 80’s slutty batman swimsuit could rule at a costume party but it’s not meant for sunlight and sand.

Stay tuned for a post on great bikinis for the season. We’ll even throw in some unusual ones if you wanna be the kooky girl at the river this year.

Just don’t wear this:

Please.

Doing it wrong: Celebrity edition

Being a sexy man?

You’re doing it wrong.

I’m not entirely sure one can call Dr. 90210 a celebrity but I’ll bet he likes it when people do. He also likes sheer shirts and pleather pants. He’s like the Criss Angel of plastic surgery. It’s like he went back in time to Hot Topic in 1995 and stole this whole outfit. Then he returned to modern day, got a spray tan and a haircut at Supercuts and then finally bumbled his way down a red carpet.

You are not sexy.

That guy to your right though?

Pure sex.

Doing it…weird. And wrong.

I just texted Lou to ask if posting pictures of strangers in terrible outfits was too mean.

Her response: “Too mean? What’s that?”

Besides, I’m cropping out the heads. I could be pulling a Glamour magazine and just throwing a black bar  over their eyes. I’m at work and the receptionist showed me this picture she took last night of a girl out downtown. My immediate response, of course, was to have her send it to me so I could post it here.

I’m going to have to come to terms with the fact that I’m a dick because apologizing for it repeatedly is cowardly. I need to own it.

This outfit is a NO.

NO.

I’m not even going to discuss this. It speaks for itself. But let this be a lesson, girls. Look at your ass before you leave the house. It should not be two feet long.

Props on the 90’s Doc Martens.

I will say, this girl was perfectly adorable. She had very nice hair. Those pants though. Girl…..

Doing it wrong: on the streets edition

My girl on the streets of Los Angeles, Ms. Cuntbook, sent me this gem of a photo. She’s out living the good life, drinking in the bar with all the pretty people and documenting it for us to mock.

Camel toe….Boner or no boner?

Because I say: Jean shorts? YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG.

I look forward to more sneakily snapped fashion shots from so cal or anywhere for that matter. Or do like Lou and ask a girl with a bangin’ jacket if she’ll let us take her picture. Bad fashion, good fashion, we want it all. So get out your cell phones, my darlins, snap away.