I Didn’t Die and I’m Not Sober

I just have been taking an unscheduled hiatus from writing for no good reason. Sometimes maybe those are the best types of breaks. Then I had someone somehow find me on Instagram and she loved the blog and I woke up this morning and literally jotted down a random poem first thing and remembered why I ever kept this blog in the first place and that was so that I could continue writing on a daily (or to be real – weekly) basis.

This is something I have not been doing and it kind of sucks. So maybe I should write … about … island life? Island fashion? Since I am coming off a 2 1/2 week vacation in Thailand and spent every day looking something like this:

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Ridiculous right? First rule – buy flowy pants immediately. Those pants are the most amazing pants maybe ever and everyone should find their country’s alternative. They’re high wasted, have pockets, keep you cool even in 90 degree weather, have elastic ankles for beach walking, and dry quickly. I gifted a group of my girlfriends with them and now they love me forever. This elastic waist makes me want to cry with happiness, especially because when you’re in the tropics it’s totally acceptable to rock an elastic waist at all hours of all days.

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Let’s see. What else? I really, really wanted to buy an entire wardrobe for this trip because you know – of course I was imagining all the pictures we’d be taking and I had an idea of what I wanted to look like in those pictures, but in the end I took a bunch of hand-me-downs and cheap second hand finds because that’s the only way I know how to operate in fashion.

Don’t be afraid to pack light. 

Everything I took had to fit into a Jansport backpack since we had no itinerary and no plans and needed to be highly mobile. Therefore, I wore the same 5 outfits over and over and over again. Luckily the clothes you need for island fashion are small and compact. This was the warmest thing I had to wear and it was only necessary for the plane rides over there:

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Hi cleaning lady! After this shot, it was was bikinis, dresses, bikinis, dresses, and one radical pair of jean shorts:

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My sister gave me this dress and she got it from GAP for $10. You don’t need to wear a bra with it, the back has cute detail, it’s a great color, was a little longer than the other dresses I had, and the cotton is breathable – if you’re going somewhere tropical – a dress that meets these criteria is a must.

Oh and I don’t typically wear flip flops during normal life, but on this trip I lived in them, especially since it’s customary around Thailand to remove your shoes whenever you go into … well most places, not to mention the beach. For me, it was either this pair of slim black Havaianas  or Vans, which should have the laces ripped out of them immediately for slip-on access.

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White dress from Buffalo Exchange for $13 or so bucks. Perfect cover up.

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This dress is from Victoria’s Secret, who believe it or not, actually have a shit ton of cute beach stuff. This was you know cute enough and it’s made from some sort of terry cloth so it’s suuuuper comfy and it has a drop waist which is bitchin BUT I wore it on a boat trip and it started raining and then I was pretty much wearing a heavy wet towel, so I mean maybe not my best move ever … definitely should have had on this RVCA poncho thing I bought specifically for this trip through Revolve (who I love for their free shipping/returns/selection), but I am an idiot and definitely forgot to pack it. Fabrics matter.

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Anyway I’m rambling so let me sum this up.

  • I need to write more.
  • Tropical vacations kick the ass out of everything and flip flops are a totally acceptable form of footwear when you’re on one.
  • Cover-ups and bikinis are your best friends. I bought all new bikinis on crazy cheap sale from Victoria’s Secret OH AND one ridiculously expensive pair of bottoms from Frankie’s Bikinis. Trust me, if you have any sort of substantial booty the Venice bottoms are your best friend. Worth the money if you want to preserve shots of your hot young ass in Thailand.
  • Don’t wear materials that turn into heavy towels when they get wet. Fabrics matter.
  • Don’t be afraid to pack light, especially if you’re going to a place where it’s inexpensive to purchase forgotten necessities.
  • Buy flowy pants immediately. Bonus points if you can make an elastic waist pair work for you.
  • Tropical drinks are mostly overrated unless they are Mango Margaritas. Cheap whiskey and beer with fresh fruit snacks are where it’s at.

And that’s all. Until next time, which hopefully won’t be as long as this last time.

xoxo, Lou

Yale, Cambridge, or OXFORD??

My sister, that lucky gal, has an extra $100 burning a hole in her pocket. After much debate, she’s decided she wants to blow the load on a new pair of Oxfords, but there’s only one tiny setback, she’s having a hell of a time deciding which pair to purchase!

Help? See below for pics. And keep in mind, all of these are under $100, so cost is not really a factor.

STEVE MADDEN ‘TUDDOR’ FLAT

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HINGE ‘FRASER’ OXFORD – MAUVE

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HINGE ‘FRASER’ OXFORD – BONE

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VOLATILE ‘RIZZO’

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NATURALIZER ‘LONNIE’ LEATHER OXFORDS

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I already know which ones I’m voting for. Do you? Help a girl out.

Also, PS … I have another poll pending for the weekend that I think you are going to LOVE.

xoxo,

Lou

Ass Kicking Jewelry

Recently, ok fine, it’s been awhile now, but in the last 6 months, my girl Mae asked for some help finding jewelry with an edge. I initially began my research on the web, but there is so much mother fucking jewelry out there that it became impossible for me to narrow down selections to anything meaningful.

Enter Instagram.

Following my friends on Instagram is pretty great of course, but I actually find I use it more for shopping and/or ‘Cool Hunting’. I have discovered more brands and rad styles from Instagram than I could have ever hoped from the web, no doubt on account of its categorizing abilities and hopping from one babe wearing a hot pair of shoes to all of her friends who are also giving shout outs to the small boutiques and DIYselfers, or even large chains, that are churning out the fashions they sport in all their “selfies”.

My Mae recently just started an Instagram account, so the links and images I’m about to post will be super easy for her to track down and ‘Follow’ – same for all of you! From there it’s just a matter of jumping around through the network to find more styles you like –  a stupidly crazy fun time suck for sure.

PAMELA LOVE  @PAMELALOVENYC

This is not cheap jewelry. But it is hot. And I can absolutely see Mae falling in love with it. A lot of it also offers an “edgier” concept than a lot of the crystal and quartz floating around these days:

e51a2540ae2249bed93fde17a3c25f66Who doesn’t want a Pentagram ring? I know I do. ($100)

img-thingOr maybe you’d rather blow your load on the $575 Southwestern Cuff?

pamela-love-rosary-0aUgh if I had $225 I would definitely be buying this Daggar Rosary. And then I would definitely be mixing it up some days like this sexy broad:

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Or for a mere $80 you can go with a simple Sahara Ring, that is all purpose and great for mixing in with other funkier pieces.

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Either way, with Pamela Love, you’re going to look great and have fun because her pieces are edgy, nature inspired, and quality as fuuuck.

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Moving along than, shall we…

BETTER LATE THAN NEVER aka BLTN @bltnjewelry

Stones and gems and crystals abound these days and this little outfit has a unique way of throwing them onto the tiniest cutest studs, in addition to some other fun stuff.

I’m sorry I keep throwing expensive stuff at you. Let’s just assume these are more intended for inspiration, unless you’re lucky ass can actually afford this shit.

pink_14k_tourm_1But how cute are these $242 Pink Tourmaline Studs? So cute. I know.

mis__flat_19_2Or maybe mix it up, literally, with these mismatched studs, which I happen to quite like and not as steep at $94.

There are non-stone earrings too and the rest of their offerings get a little tribal, in a way I’m not always sure I could pull off, but in a way that I want to watch other people try:

setting_sun_earrings_3$138 Setting Sun Earrings

long_herk_neck_5$186 Diamond Drop Necklace

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Cute, right?

Ok, finally on to some more affordable shit…

MOON METAL @MOONMETAL

A perfect example of finding tiny shops that I would most likely never otherwise hear of … Moon Metal Jewelry. Sounds hippie dippie, right? And it kind of is, but in an affordable, trendy way. There are probably a trillion shops in Portland selling similar shit. Or in whatever town you’re reading this in. Let’s see what’s cool:

Arrowheads

ba3d80_2226a3011733c780d61e414df9559def.png_srz_400_400_75_22_0.50_1.20_0M X Gold Arrowhead Necklace … $28.

Almost bought this Rosary Necklace last night …

ba3d80_5f297af4bb6fadeb7061e09138529626.png_srz_399_400_75_22_0.50_1.20_0But then remembered that could be $26 spent to go see my best friend in London. Or $26 to go somewhere tropical. Or, or, or. …

There are also a lot of tusks and teeth on there. Guess this is still cool and an easy way to toughen stuff up a bit. Or as I said earlier – crystals. Are. Everywhere.

And I like them nowhere better than I do here:

BARBARA C. PELLEGRINO @BARBARACPELLEGRINO bcpjewelry.com

Everything she makes is in a very limited quantity, which is where she really uses Instagram to her advantage and why you should follow her for those moments you see something you love and then notice it says underneath the picture “only 3!”:

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1f436f287f7011e2873222000a1f9e77_7c46c577a810b11e2b22b22000a1f96e2_773f25d3282d011e288ea22000a1f9318_79aeed0547c8c11e28dba22000a1f97e5_7Follow her. You’ll be pumped you did.

This next one is non-Instagram still I think, but should maybe be Instagram ON soon, because it’s so great and local for us Portlanders and made by a super sexpot, bombshell lady friend of mine, Miss Jimi Pop. I see her stuff on all of our friends and am always totally smitten with her pieces:

OLD TIGER oldtigerandpeach.tumblr.com

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One of my favorite things about her most recent pieces are the chains. They’re the perfect length to sit right in that sweet spot between your boobs and usually interspersed with great geometric shapes that add something simple, but significant:

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Go to her blog and email her for inquiries.

And lastly, another Instagram gem, check out VIDAKUSH @vidakush, for some serious fun:

img_4323_largeFuck Off Ring Set $50

img_4394_large IMG_4631_largeBow Ring and Diamond Ring, both $12 … which means that might not be long for this world, but whatever, they’re cute.

Plus, they just want you to throw a bunch of shit on anyway…

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Jordan – are you totally getting on that 90’s revival up there??

So, I’m tired now. That’s all I can give. I hope it was enough. There is cute jewelry all around us these days. And you can pay hundreds of dollars, or $12, depending on what you’re going for, but I’m telling you, Instagram is a phenomenal way to find it, especially if you want to avoid the web or just get some good ideas.

If you have additional spots you like to shop and find jewelry, throw them on here under the comments so we can all go stalk their products and waste more time shopping!

xoxo, Lou

PS – will someone please explain body chains to me?

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Whoa Shoes

Holy shit. I tried to do some quick shoe shopping at work this morning and ended up writing this blog post instead because it was such a raging weird experience. And yeah, I really should have been paying attention to all the weird shoes out there way before this, but whatever:

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FINSK 116-97

Whoa, right? How come I never see these on people? I am sure there are some Portlanders that would totally wear these. Oh wait, because they’re $995.95!! Come on. Just call it $1000. Does the sales tactic of making it .9995 really work or even matter in this instance?

Wait, wait, look at these:

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Eee! Ew! Awesome! I don’t know.

Those are the LAASSKA Mt. Goat boots. Of course they are. Price tag: $229.95

I’m pulling all of these from Solestruck.com. They’re tagline is: TO RID THE WORLD OF UGLY SHOES ONE PAIR AT A TIME.

I don’t get it. If anything, this site aims to invite the ugliest shoes to the party where they can all throw down to be the ugliest, weirdest shoes on the planet. And it’s not a bad thing. It’s great. It’s super fun. It’s also why I have such a bastard-ass time trying to find shoes I like and only ever end up wearing Vans. This shit is intimidating to me.

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JOHN FLUEVOG – ARCH BOOT (CHEETAH) $419.95

Omg, $400 crazy shoes. They remind me of something any member of KISS would want to wear on like, a normal non-stage day. I applaud the people actually wearing these. I love these people. This is why I love fashion – so I can stare at people that drop money on any of these shoes in an attempt to make it work.

So many of these shoes are of course created by my nemesis Jeffrey Campbell. For fucks sake I swear his goal is to make the ugliest, stupidest shoes ever.

Jeffrey-Campbell-shoes-Kick-It-(Khaki-Suede)-010604

JEFFREY CAMPBELL – KICK IT – $189.95

These look like a monster.

Jeffrey-Campbell-shoes-Vay-Cay-(White-Rainbow)-010407

JEFFREY CAMPBELL – VAY CAY – $164.95

Eww!

Jeffrey-Campbell-shoes-Pointe-(Dark-Green-Patent)-010604JEFFREY CAMPBELL – POINTE – $169.95

Ewwww!!!

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JEFFREY CAMPBELL – 4 EVZ – $129.95

Ok, these I kind of liked because they’re covered in ponies. And the name “4 Evz” is so precious. And oh they’re in my price range! But still the image of me teetering around in these is pretty funny. Ridiculous ass shoes.

In all fairness he does make some shoes that aren’t totally cray:

Jeffrey-Campbell-shoes-Everly-(Camel-Snake)-010604JC – EVERLY SNAKE – $209.95

Jeffrey-Campbell-shoes-Fontane-(Black)-010604JC – FONTANE – $129.95

But that is just no fun. This post is not to talk about shoes I might actually buy. Ugh I hate buying shoes. It’s just to tell you to go get on Solestruck.com and look at all the magic that’s there. It really is fun. Gleeful even. I had such a fun time avoiding work this morning. And absolutely no fun continuing to fail miserably at actually finding cute shoes that suit me.

xoxo,

Lou

 

 

Neon Red Carpet

We all know I like the looks of Kristen Stewart, and we also all know I am not always a fan of neon, so imagine my dismay when I saw this:

On Lainey Gossip.

I’m pretty sure I said in my article about neon that it was usually a case of all or nothing, and yet, this just really doesn’t do it for me. When I see the thumbnails all lined up in a row, I just really hate how it pops off the page. Maybe I’m just a total square.

What she did do right though was wear these awesome fucking shoes:

It’s an awesome pairing and one that I can approve of:

But maybe it’s not even the neon … that dress just kind of accentuates her awkwardness, right? Maybe we can just chalk it up to the fact that she’s at the premier for Twilight so almost everything has to suck ass.

Anyway, what this is all reminding me of is the fact that I still haven’t posted my profile on art gallery owner extraordinaire and gorgeous girl friend of mine, (despite loving neon) Paige. I’ll shoot off my fashion questions to her today and post that profile asap.

In the meantime, tell me what you think: K Stew in neon … hit or miss?

xoxo, Lou

Breaking the Beauty Rules

My lady Crystal is at it again. Remember when she wrote about Miley’s short new ‘do? Well this time she’s back to talk to you about breaking the rules and dressing for your body type, dressing to feel good, and being an all around sexy badass. So proud of you, Chinga!
I’m up next with another profile on Miss Paige, her love for all things neon, and what it’s like to be an art gallery owning babe. Until then! xoxo, Lou 
I’m fat, in a general sense of the word. Average (or slightly below) according to the CDC’s body measurement data for the US. Huge, probably, to a model or midget. And thin, skinny or teeny-tiny to someone who knew me a year and a half ago.
I met Miss Cheap Wine and Pantylines herself two summers ago on a kickball league. I was a few months into a new lifestyle change where I was trying to take back a body that I never felt I had control over. That summer, I was about 25lbs into my journey and I am now about 50lb more. Loosing close to 75lbs put me in a body I had no idea how to dress. And over wine one afternoon, I was asked to write a post about Dressing For Your Body.
There are a lot of fashion faux pas that are bad across the board for a size 2 or a 22, but it’s all about testing what looks good on your body. For me, it meant trying EVERYTHING on, even when I assumed it would fit (cause it was my “size”) or when I thought it would look terrible (skin tight neon jeans). So here are a few “rules” I felt like breaking to prove my point.
Don’t wear bright colors or things that are tight…
 blue.jpg blue
Fuck that noise!! And here is where Lucy and I may disagree, but I am into the bright color trend. Maybe not neon specifically, but bold is good as long as it’s paired with a neutral. Maybe even more specifically, with white or black. I read and heard SO MUCH shit when leggings and skinny jeans became a trend about how plus size chicks shouldn’t wear them. (Made me nostalgic for the “Spandex is a privilege, not a right” era.) Personally, I think skinny jeans look BETTER on a more curvy frame, but maybe that’s just me…
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Think of it the same way you do when you wear makeup. If you are going to do a heavy smokey eye, nude lip is the way to go. Simple earth tone eyes? Rock that red pout. If I am going to wear something tight on my lower half, the top is gonna be flowy. If I have a tight or even low cut top, the my lower half is gonna be in something relaxed. It’s about balance mother fuckers.
Don’t wear prints! White makes you look larger!
lean.jpg lean
Listen, people know what size you are. Spanx may smooth you out, but they’re not turning a size 14 into a size 4. Wear clothes that fit, plain and simple. If you wear clothes that don’t fit (too big OR too small), you’ll make yourself look at least 10-20lbs heavier. (Lady Gaga weight gain “scandal”? If she wasn’t a performer dancing around in tiny pieces of leather, there would be no scandal as no one would have noticed.) Here’s a good example and not one randomly found online. This is my friend Rachel, who showed up my door in the outfit on the left and I sent her on her way in the outfit on the right.
rachside

 

Dark colors are slimming, but don’t steer clear of an outfit because it’s white. White is clean and classic and if you can keep yourself dirt free, then you have my permission to rock that shit. Prints can be a sticky situation because plus size clothing more often than not looks tacky and garish and the prints look lifted either from the 80’s or from a small child. Keep it simple. Polka-dots are a small obsession of mine and classic prints like Houndstooth or even Gingham will always be in style.

 

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Don’t wear X (insert revealing clothing here):

I have really long torso and hold my weight in my midsection so crop-tops are not a look that I am comfortable with. That does not however, mean they are out for all plus size ladies. (Or that they are in for any smaller ladies for that matter). Check out this chick rockin’ a crop-top like a Queen! Holla!

 

If you’ve got it, flaunt it. Even if “it” isn’t necessarily in fashion. Got an awesome rack? Show it off! Working hard on those lat muscles? Rock an open backed number. I have awesome legs if I do say so myself, so the shorter the shorts and dresses, the better!
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Don’t pay attention to the label as sizes haven’t been standardized since the 1950’s. That old saying that “Marilyn Monroe was a size 12”? I don’t know many women (size 12 or otherwise) who have a 22 inch waist. Which would make Ms. Monroe a 00 or XXS in today’s world. (Check out this handy dandy chart to see how much sizes vary from brand to  brand: http://sizes.darkgreener.com/) Size ain’t nothin’ but a number, similar to weight on a scale. What size clothing would someone who is 150lbs wear? Well, depending on the body, could be a 6 could be a 10 or maybe even a 12.

Any guesses as to how much I weigh? A bag of coffee to the closest guess 😉 [girl works at Stumptown, ya’ll]

 

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Moral of the story is dress your body in what fits, period. Clothes that fit correctly will always be flattering, weather or not it’s trendy or in style.  ❤

V M Assy Fashion

I don’t know what was up with the VMA’s this year. I mean, typically it’s a time for celebrities to dress like idiots, assholes, hookers, whatever … anything goes!

But this year, they just fell flat. Failed to impress. When I think of the VMA’s and “fashion”, I think of epic moments such as:

Christina Aguilera (or was it X-Tina then?) in her Dirrrty phase. How great was that?

 

I’ll tell ya, it wasn’t as great as Lil’ Kim’s epic boob hang.

Amirite?

And then there was that time Katy Perry wore a block … of … cheese? On her head.

 

Maybe I only want that to be cheese since I’m from Minnesota and we have cheese heads for our neighbors over there.

Point is, those were pretty rad moments in “fashion”, all owed to the stupid ass Video Music Awards. God Bless Em.

This year. This year stars fell flat! And looked stupid doing it. But not in a good way. Shall we being our critique? Methinks I need more wine ….

Ok, ready.

I think I have to talk about Taylor Swift first. So she’s dating this Kennedy now, right? Have you read about this? Or am I on a crazy gossip tangent? Anyway, she looked OLD! She looked…old! Like, Sharon Stone looks really great for her age and not in a crazy plastic surgery way because that wouldn’t be looking great, but in like, a, why is Taylor Swift trying to look as old as me way?

That’s a J. Mendel suit. And maybe it’s not even that she looks old. Maybe it’s that she looks like she’s a doll from the 80’s? She reminds me of the spectator pumps my mom used to wear in the 80’s:

And her face for sure has a Robert Palmer “Addicted to Love” thing going on:

She could have just had so much more fun with this. Instead, she bored me. And I hate when people with access to awesome fashion bore me. Especially at an event like this!

I’ll allow argument. I guess. But overall I think it’s dastardly. I must be tipsy cause I thought right there I might be making up a word. And on my way home from Whole Foods on this gorgeous Portland night, I opened my wine and took many, many healthy adult-sized swigs.

Moving along.

Miley Cyrus. Duh.

 

So, my lovely love Crystal recently wrote about Short Hair Don Care Miley Cyrus. I’m all for it. But I’m not all for … whatever this is. I love her when she’s got her

… I have no idea what I was going to say there. Let’s assume I was going to say that I DON’T love, oh! I remember! I was going to say I love when she wears that short hair all piece-y and funky. This looks dated and stuffy. To me at least. I would like this better if she were going to the grocery. This hair with jeans and a crop top. This gown with laid back piece-y hair. I prefer the juxtaposition.
Oh and, dated and stuffy. Sorry Pink. I really do like your music sometimes.

Have you even made any music recently? You seem out of place here.

You know what else seems out of place?

Worst fucking thing I’ve ever seen. What? Wha..why? That top! It looks like Victoria Secret styrofoam. With the different material skirt? Are they separates? I don’t know. I don’t care because I can’t stop staring at the STUPID leopard head scarf, which sort of looks like a headband I wear to keep my bangs back when I wash my face. Nuff said, right? Don’t get me started on her choice of shoes. I would like to punch Jessica Szohr in the face for making me see this.

I need something to make me happy, quick!

Ahhh better. I love that these two are such great friends. Girlfriends. Is there anything better?

This comes close:

Uh, thank you! Riff Raff. For bringing the kind of absurdity I like to see on the VMA red carpet! Is that .. what … hm, let’s move on.
Katy Perry this year. This post is mostly about things I hated at the VMA’s this year, so I am not going near Rhianna cause, well, I thought she looked hot. Per usual. Her home girl though? Mehhhhh

I really like this dress! I do. It’s really pretty and I love the see-through. But, I keep thinking of the lead singer of Evanescence. Remember that band? And, I’m just not sure this is a good thing.

Amy Lee is really cute. I’m just not sure that’s what Katy Perry was going for. The styling is off and well, it’s a little tame for her, right?

What else do I got …

I approve. Next!

 

Oh yeah this. Amber Rose. Ok, ok, so I write horror stories in my free time and love horror movies, so I might be skewed, but to me this looks like she’s got some crazy flesh eating virus coursing through her veins that has given her black eyes while sucking all of the other color from her face. Just me?
Poor baby.
Let’s end on what I consider to be the best dressed VMA attendee this year:

Ru Paul.

Because, I mean, right?

Ok, well that sums up my review of the incredibly disappointing 2012 VMA Red Carpet. I don’t know who won any awards because I’m pretty sure I’m no longer their target audience.

I had a picture of Alicia Keys in  a super boring dress, but I was too bored by it to even bother posting.

Fucking. Yawn.

xoxo, Lou

 

 

 

Neon? More Like Ne-off.

I’ve decided I hate something.  Which obviously means I should take to the blog and bitch about it.

What I hate has to do with the neon color trend. When it first started to crawl out from the hole that is the 1980’s, I didn’t hate it. In fact, as an accent I did and still do, kind of like it. When done right, neon is fun and funky. But when it’s done wrong, you can’t NOT see it and it becomes this invitation to look at the cheap, horrendously bright t-shirts Forever 21 is slangin off their sales racks.

Google ‘neon trend’ and a ton of cute shit pops up, but somehow, this is never the shit I see out in the real world. I don’t think college girls slapping on the brightest fucking pink t-shirt they’ve ever seen is cute. Pairing a neon t-shirt with your regular blue jeans? No! No, I just … I can’t stand it. Let’s look at some examples of wrong before I show you how right it actually can be.

No. I hate this so much. With all these other muted colors? Not to mention the insane proportions of that tank/skirt. I just despise what it does to my eye. It’s a lazy way to work neon and with this trend all lazy does is make me want to chug whatever kind of alchol that advertisment behind her is trying to sell me.

This ad is everything that’s wrong with stupid neon. Every time I see it on the street, god damn I get so distracted, and not in a hot guy way or in a child playing with a puppy kind of way, but in a bum taking a crap on the street kind of way. I can’t really look away cause it’s so glaring, but I also can’t stop my nose from crinkling in disgust either.

Nope. I sometimes don’t mind when it’s ALL neon, but this really makes me want to shield my eyes.

Gross. Don’t like. Argue with me on that one. Go ahead, but I just, can’t be convinced.

Holy Hell what is going on here?

Maybe I just hate green/yellow neon? No. I think just extra hate yellow/green neon.

A lot of the time, neon can look really, really cute! I honestly think it’s when bitches don’t try that hard or when they just throw it in with the rest of their normal wardrobe without any thought that I develop an aversion similar to what it must be like to break out in hives.

Here are some looks that give me the opposite feelings.

Remember this? I actually really liked this. Because it’s not a main component of her actually clothing. This is like having hot pink toenails, which can be really cute!

Also this – I would and want to be wearing this outfit right. now.

So cute. I love it. Where do I buy it?

Oxfords were/are poppin up everywhere and I really adore this take on them. In fact I want them! I even saw them in real life at the bar the other day on this woman who was a hot, hot mess and I was much more likely to disregard her slurring nonsense talk because her shoes were so pleasing to me.

See? It’s clearly a really drastic spectrum for me.

What do you think about this? Here are those shoes on someone and you know, it’s similar to J. Alba up there, but what I think saves this for me is that she’s worked in neon throughout. It’s not just some random bright ass pants. And the proportions are right.

Ultimately, I think 9 times out of 10 I hate neon. It’s completely case by case, but what I’ve learned sifting through the images is that I think I like it in moderation, sparsed througout an ensemble or when babes go all out, all neon. Don’t be lazy and don’t be afraid.

If you really want to look like a piece of tropical fruit, really go for it.

Because as cute as this girl is and as much as I almost like this … I still wish her pants weren’t the color of an electric melon.

I feel like I’ll have some naysayers on this one, so go ahead, weigh in and argue with me. Send me pics of you in your hot pink shirt. Double arguement points if you’re wearing Jefferey Campbell Lita’s. I should probably never move to Miami.

xoxo, Lou

Le freak, So Shiekh

The other day I was at the mall with Olivia. Yes the mall. I love the mall. The smell of pretzels and artificial cheese heavy in the air, scene kids with hideous haircuts skipping by with their Hello, Kitty backpacks and bargains galore!

Unfortunately we were there shopping for birthday gifts and I’m more broke than an America’s Next Top Model finalist so I did no bargain shopping of my own. However, we couldn’t resist a trip to Shiekh. Oh Shiekh, how I love you. You take the most upsetting shoe trends and make them even more upsetting by adding glitter, flames, spikes and all other varieties of adornment that have no place on feet.

Even your logo is terrible. God, I love you.

I have bought a few pairs of non-blingy boots from here that I adore. Granted they tend to fall apart after a few months but whatevs, my fashion attention span is that of a hyperactive two year old high on sugar.

The shoes I saw that day were so surprisingly bad. One of two things must be happening:

1. I’m really and truly getting old. So old that I’m genuinely confounded by fashions worn by kids these days. 

2. The fashions that kids these days are really and truly getting more horrible. 

Truly hideous shoes in point:

WTF? Please ignore the clown shoes in the back and focus on the “snake in an oil spill by the nuclear power plant” monstrosities that I’m holding. Why….why, why does there need to be a small weird little platform under the toe? Is the shoe not attention grabbing enough? Barf, I say. BARF.

There is only one occasion that these shoes would be acceptable for. If you are one of the people in the dragon costume at a Chinese New Year parade. Then fine, your little kooky dragon feet would be adorable. Other than that? No, bitch. No.

These could be cool as part of a Halloween costume. Sexy creature from the black lagoon? Aquaman? Unfortunately, broads are hoofin’ downtown in these things. I don’t even have any words left. I’m overcome by the ugly.

Part of me wonders how much I would have pissed my pants with glee if someone had gifted these shoes on me when I was 17. I think there would be some seriously wet pants. But at 17 I also had a bright pink pixie cut, giant men’s polyester pants and little boy t-ball tees from salvation Army. I wasn’t exactly drowning in good taste.

I feel like grown women should know better. But again, maybe I’m just old and crotchety.

Oh and also…

This may be the end of my friendship with Lou but I have to admit, I really like these booties. They’re definitely Jeffery Cambell rip-offs but the toe isn’t as bulbous and horrifying.

I think they’re so cute. I’m sorry, Lou! I just bought this dress:

And it screams for booties. For those booties. Oh god, the shame!!!! The shame!!!!!

Okay. That’s all. I have to go soak my eyeballs in whiskey to get rid of all the vomit inducing, blinding shoes I just looked at.

Get Drunk, Not Fat

Shockingly, I didn’t just pull that title out of my ass.

It’s a freakin’ website….called Get Drunk Not Fat.  It does just what its says, teaches you what the best things to drink are to get drunk and not fat.

Ha!!!

(sidenote: I started looking for pictures of drunk hipsters to put throughout this post but the first picture that popped up with of Lindsay Lohan being druuuunk. Then much like Katy Perry’s breasts, I got sucked into fucked up Lilo pictures. Now you get her!)

Lilo watches her calories by taking shots all night.

Full disclosure: It’s about 80 degrees outside and I’m on a self imposed booze free night. Therefore I’m hanging out in cut offs and a bikini top making cookies. Oh and baking bread. I’m such a fat kid. I’m totally eating the cookie dough too. It’s okay cuz it’s vegan so I can’t get salmonella. Just fat.

Lou’s big sis once shared with me her dietary wisdom:

“Eat less, save your calorie intake for alcohol.”

Drunk Lilo thinks that’s great advice!

I tried that a few times and while it did result in spending less money and getting more drunk due to the empty stomach, it made me feel like cat shit the next day. Lou has mastered the art of drinking her dinner and never seems to be worse for the wear. I think it’s something in that family’s blood. Magical princess hair and excellent boozability.

What does any of this have to do with fashion? Nothing. Other than the fact that clothes look better when you’re not lumpy in all the wrong places. Girls with beer guts are no bueno.

During my cookie baking/fat kid pig out, Ms.Cuntbook texted me to tell me to invent her a calorie free beer. I don’t think my idea of drinking the beer and then barfing it back up ten minutes later was the bright idea she was looking for.

I’ve never really considered how many calories were in beer. Actually, I never consider the calories in anything. Probably not the smartest thing.

Apparently a rum and diet coke is a great thing to drink because it’s only 64 calories. To that I say barf. Keep your mixer!

Lilo loves rum! 

Booze by the calories:

Rum – 64 Calories per 1 oz
Brandy – 64 Calories per 1 oz
Gin – 64 Calories per 1 oz
Tequila – 64 Calories per 1 oz
Scotch Whiskey – 73 Calories per 1 oz
Vodka – 73 Calories per 1 oz
Whisky – 73 Calories per 1 oz

The internet says that the average bottle of beer contains 150 calories. WOOF! Give me straight whiskey any day.

There’s been a lot of hullaballoo (best word ever) around these parts lately about alcohol. Some people have gotten it into to their heads that when you’re a grown up you don’t go out and get sauced anymore. Have those people never seen Mad Men? Booze and cigarettes all day! Not that Don Draper should be a role model. But still….you can still be a responsible person, an adult, and enjoy drankin’.

I’m giving myself a health challenge (I’m laughing as I write this because a health challenge involving drinking is fucking hilarious to me) to lay off the beer and just enjoy either wine or whiskey. For…a couple of weeks? Maybe til June? Just to see how I feel. Perhaps my little bit of tummy will back the fuck off. Probably not but my intake of cheap beer since we moved back is bonkers. I’m an adult now, god dammit, I’m going to drink like one!

Okay now can someone tell me how the fuck this happened?

Holy jesus, girl!! 

Alright, I’ve got cookies to eat. Go to the bar armed with the knowledge of how fat what you’re drinking is going to make you, adjust accordingly. Or don’t. I’ll probably blow it after two days. Beer is cheap, yo!