No Gym? No Problem!

Here are the things that occurred to me while reading So0o Bro’s latest contribution:
  • Pull-ups are fucking hard. I’ve never been able to do one in my life even though I think I’m actually pretty strong. 
  • DESPI swimwear…is this a hipster thing? I’ve never heard of this line. So0o Bro just fashion shamed me on my own blog. What a bitch. 
  • I added all the celebrity photos. Obviously. Cause when I drink I’ll take any excuse to look up some smutty photos. 
  • Emily Wolfer took some photos of our douchey drill sergeant. Check out more of her beautiful work HERE. 
  • And finally, working out blows. I did it today. And now I’m home with and all I have energy to do is this: 
Ok! Now enjoy some douchey work out advice!
No Gym, No Problem!
$40 a month for a gym membership you’re never going to use is one way of fucking up your drinking budget. That’s like 6.5 six packs of High Life tall boys! Fuck that!
Don’t worry. I have the 5 basic workouts that will help tone your whole body and keep you out of that Douche Bag filled gym (the less you hipsters go to the gym, the less I have to wait for you to get off my FUCKING weights).  No need for dumbbells or workout machines, we are going to use our own body weight. MONEY SAVER!
PUSH-UPS, SIT-UPS, SQUATS, LUNGES, (and if you have a bar) PULL-UPS. That’s it. These exercises when done to the point of muscle failure and when mixed in with your cardio, can give you a full body workout that will get you in that hot new DESPI bikini you have been working so hard for. But just like any other workout, YOU NEED TO PUSH YOURSELF!
The last few reps of these exercises should be tough and you should fail most of time. THAT IS WHAT WE WANT. If you can do your sets with ease then you need to do more reps! Hit that wall and eventually break through the motherfucker!

Let’s start with PUSH-UPS.

The most basic exercise out there and it can work more then just your chest. Depending on your hand placement you can work your arms, chest and back. Ohh, and your CORE!!!
That’s right! Try doing your push-ups with one leg raised and out to the side. Make sure you do this with both legs to work both sides of your core. This one is a killer and one of my favorites! Make sure to keep that leg elevated and focus on using your core to keep it from dropping. It might take some time getting your core strong enough to balance and get a good number of reps in but do as many as you can till you physically can’t do anymore and it should be fine.
(photo by: EMILY WOLFER) Make sure to get low!
If you are having trouble doing push-ups then start from your knees, but don’t cheat yourself and make sure that you are only doing this when you can’t do them conventionally.
Now let’s cut that stomach with some SIT-UPS! 
(photo by: EMILY WOLFER)
Just like the push-ups, there are tones of different ways to work your core and make that stomach lean and BANGIN’! We have all seen the PLAMKING videos and if you have never tried it you should!
Try planking for 2 minutes straight and then tell me that shit isn’t hard. Don’t worry, I’ll wait!… That shit’s hard, right?! And it’s great for your core! Mix that in with some leg lifts and crunches and you will really rock those center abs. Do some side crunches and hit the oblique’s (my favorite) and you will start to strengthen that core for real.
Here is a link to 10 different workouts for your abs.  There is so much good shit on the web!
On to the ass! BAMN! SQUATS!
Squats are the BUTT shaper! If you want a rounder, tighter ass then squats are going to be your best friend. The best part is they’re the easiest exercise to see results fast! It is also a great workout for your hamstrings.  Some sites say to hold dumbbells for more of a challenge but if you don’t have them you can use just your body weight and do more reps or use water bottles or other objects of weight around your house.
(Lou: Easily one of the best celebrity butts. Which is great since she has nothing else going for her.)
To finish off the legs we are going to do LUNGES! These fucking suck! But, man, do they work your legs! I do a lot of lunges to strengthen my legs for cycling and it works! This could be the best all around leg workout you can do. If they become too easy with your body weight then hold 12 packs of PBR in each hand and give that a try. You can always drink a few beers to lighten the weight but remember you will have to do more cardio to burn off those calories!
Daaaamn Girl!! 
Last but not least is PULL-UPS/CHIN-UPS. This is a great exercise, but only for those that have a pull up bar at home or something that can support your weight like a tree branch or that pull-up bar at your neighborhood park. Now just to clarify, pull-ups are with the back of your hands facing you and chin-ups are with the palms of your hands facing you. A lot of people think they’re the same thing but they do work different parts of the body.
The pull-ups are going to hit your back and shoulder muscles more and chin-ups will work your biceps more. Both of these exercises of course have different variations, like wide grip and close grip, and you can also rock your abs by lifting your knees to your chest or holding your legs straight out while you pull up.
(Lou: I bet Cameron Diaz can do some mean pull-up)
So there are your exercises that you can easily do at home.  Since we aren’t trying to bulk up and just want to tone, we are going to do high reps and around 3-5 sets. 5 is not high reps, 20 is high reps (of course you wont be able to do 20 pull-ups or maybe even push-ups right away but you get the idea).
When I first started working out these were my exercises I would do in the morning when I woke up. I would do them every other day, which was a good way to start out and eventually turned it up. After the third week or so I needed some motivation to continue what I like to call my PRISON WORKOUTS so I started to make the workouts into games to keep me going.
A deck of cards is a great tool for all these exercises except maybe the pull-ups (you will see why).  What I liked to do was take a deck of cards and flip one at a time and then do the face value of that card, face cards are 10 and aces alternate from 1 to 11. So for instance, I would be doing push-ups and I would flip over the first card and we will say that card is a 5. I would do 5 push-ups and then flip over the next card. I would do 5 cards and then take a 90 second break and then try another 5 cards. I would do this until I was physically drained and couldn’t do another single push-up.  How long will it take you to do the whole deck?
You can do this game with any exercise really and can even give an exercise to each suit. So hearts can be squats, diamonds are push-ups, lunges are spades, and clubs are Sit-ups. This way you can rest muscles while working others!
I would recommend doing what is called super sets when you are starting out. This is when you move from one exercise to the other without resting. This will keep your heart rate up which will burn more beer off! Isn’t that why we are doing this in the first place?
WOW! That is a lot of information to throw at you at one time.  Just remember that working-out is not easy and you will need to push yourself. Also, cut your cardio days in between your strength days to allow your body to recover, and GET YOUR PROTEIN! (Lou: I’m making So0o Bro write his next post about healthy garbage I can eat to trick my body that it’s still getting delicious garbage. Surprise! Next assignment, buddy. What the fuck do I eat when I’m hungover???)
I’m beat just from writing this. Hey, Lou! BEER ME!

Get Fit. Stay Drunk.

Drink while you eat and eat while you drink.

Save your calories for alcohol.

… these are things I’m used to hearing from my incredibly fun, loving, amazing, vain as f*ck, Irish family/family members.

And then… all these posts from So0o Bro and yet I’m still just as lazy as ever. But that’s all about to change because this week, starting tomorrow, marks the beginning of my efforts to become a healthier human being, while still continuing to get drunk and make fun of fashion.

I don’t want to become militant about my fitness, a la So0o Bro, but I do want to get fit and feel good and prolong my youthful looks as long as possible. One problem is, I really, really love to drink and I live in a city where there are a ton of ridiculously good looking, fun, and fashionable people to join in my boozy shenanigans. I don’t want to give this up. I won’t give this up. I really love my life. Which is why I want to take measures to make it last a little while longer.

Exercise? It hit a peak in my life when I dated a professional baseball player, which consequently made me feel like I had to have an equally athletic body … which, yeah, of course never really happened, but it was a great effort let me tell you.

Now. I live in this cycle. I’ll “accidentally” go out and get really drunk and then I’ll wake up and go to work at a job I really like except that it more or less forces me to sit at a desk in an office all day and the only think that makes me feel less like dying from a hangover is shit tons of greasy pizza.

I don’t want to by a gym rat, but I also don’t want to stay a booze hound. I need to find a nice balance. I’ve always been better at regulating diet than I have been at regulating my alcohol intake. I blame my family. Just look at the pictures below, as I prepare healthy lunches for the week following a 3-mimosa breakfast and cracking open a PBR tallboy:

Food in my kitchen right now. Pretty good right??

Alcohol options in my kitchen right now. Also pretty good, no??

I really appreciate So0o Bro’s newfound enthusiasm for getting buff, but come on, I think at the end of the day what I need to be…what we all need to be…is realistic. I tell myself I’m going to get fit! This week! Starting tomorrow! And it doesn’t happen. Cause guess what? It isn’t realistic. I love to go out with my friends and I love to drink. I love to drink and judge fashion and gossip and write this blog.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I am REALLY good at socializing and drinking. And it’s my nature to latch on to anything I’m good at:

I like to drink and do a lot of stuff. But I don’t love to drink and go to the gym. Weird, right? But, I am ready to find a way to make some time for it and slowly start to tweak my habits cause let’s face it, I’m not going to be young forever.

I have to work a little harder for that flat tummy, which, btw, at 28 I no longer have. I have to prepare for the days that an occasional cigarette turns into instant crows lines by my eyes. I need to start thinking about yeah, maybe having a brat some day, and the highlights of my night being a child asleep by 9 and not a rowdy bar fight and a top my tits look great in. It’s time. It’s been time for awhile. But now’s the time I really put it out in the universe and make it happen. I hope.

By doing it slowly. By not giving up on alcohol and friends and life as I know it. I need the gym to sneak attack into my life.

Starting with the lunches you saw above .. and the booze you saw above too.

3 nights at the gym this week.

A doctor’s appointment this week.

AND a trip to get my teeth cleaned.

Clean Slate.

It’s mother fucking health week. If I can make my ass look better with a little exercise and some veggies in my body, think how great I’ll feel in clothes. And then I can keep drinking whatever I want and coming on here to write all about it! That idea alone has me pumped. File this under … Health Experiement. Get Fit. Stay Drunk.

xoxo, Lou

Cardio, noooooo!!!

(I just have to say, I was late getting this post up because I was too busy getting drunk in a movie theater watching Prometheus in 3D. And after reading it, I realize I am totally one of those people that works out like, twice a week, and considers it a success.Typically, I just find there is something I would way rather do than workout and yeah, I pay for it with a back that hurts and way too many hangovers, but shit, I have a lot of fun.

I know I don’t want to speed up my aging cause I’m a vain bitch, but I know that’s exactly what will happen if I stay this lazy and this consistently drunk. I really do want to make some minor tweaks to my lifestyle (which I imagine is where a lot of us are .. not yet at the 5-6 days of cardio this guy suggests, pft, but starting slow is still something to be proud of!) For my part, I’m still waiting for my initial motivation to kick in…hoping these So0obro posts push me there. Enjoy!)

What’s up CWPL readers?! SO0o Bro is back with more fitness advice for you drunk-ass Hipsters. Lil’ Lou sent me the hundreds of emails you sent her and I was surprised to see what most of you wanted to know about.

Besides wondering if I’m single or not (971-227-8345 – find out for yourself), the next most asked question was about different CARDIO workouts to shred the FAT. Knowing that most of you readers drink A LOT, I’m guessing that running is not your best friend (SHIT, you probably hate working out and are just reading this post because your friends with Lil’ Lou). So, I’m going to give you some different CARDIO workouts to choose from and YOU can choose which one works best for you.

First off, it should be mentioned that Cardio, actually working out in general, SUCKS. Working out for the first time after a long break can be very exciting as well as defeating. YOU NEED TO REMEMBER IT GETS BETTER. That soreness that you’re hating so much will eventually go away and you might actually miss it once it’s gone! That shortness of breath from running around the block will eventually come after an 8 mile run! YOU WILL HAVE RESULTS. Well…if you push yourself as hard as you can. Your mind will quit long before your body!
Don’t think working out hard is sexy? THINK AGAIN!  Girl, I want to see you SWEATING and have some FIRE in your eyes. If you are smiling during your run, you need to start running faster!

(Lou: Cute Suit!)

CYCLE, RUN, SWIM, and wait for it…


That’s right, DANCING. This shit burns calories like SNOOP burns TREES! Whether you’re on the pole or dancing to soul, this is a great alternative to conventional workouts. Plus it shows dudes how great you are in the sack (guys totally judge women on their dancing skills! KNOWN FACT), and not to mention it’s done best with a drink in hand! (Lou: Count me in)

Also,  YOU CAN DANCE ANYWHERE, FOR FREE! Dance in the right place and you can even make a buck or two. Don’t want to cut a rug in public? Keep your dancing at home! Put on that record you can’t help but move to and go at it for an hour or two. The key is to continue moving. KEEP THE HEART RATE UP. Dance for 2 hours and you will burn around 700 calories or MORE!!! BOOM!

Dancing can also be a great core exercise! But remember you want to get that HEART RATE UP and really push yourself to keep moving at a good pace.
So, whether your running everyday or dancing to your favorite BUSTA RHYME$ album, just remember to go harder and faster than last time.  Doing cardio 1 day a week ain’t gonna do SHIT!!! You need to be doing cardio 5-6 days a week and giving yourself 1-2 days rest.  Also remember to eat well and DRINK LESS! (LOU! This means you) The more you DRINK the more you have to RUN! (Lou: ew)

I prefer CYCLING for my CARDIO.

Get Drunk, Get Fat


Fail, fail, fail, fail.

My experiment to get drunk, not fat did not go as planned last night.

Or…it did, since I drank no beer which is what I set out to do for a few weeks.

(Thought the night I wrote that other post, the boyfriend came home from a BBQ with a six pack of PBR and without even thinking I took the one he offered me. My resolve lasted two hours! Record setting fail.)

Last night a bunch of us went out for a friend’s birthday. I was resolved to not drink beer even though I have about $80 to last me til payday on Friday. The bar we convened at serves it’s signature cocktail in a giant mason jar. I fucking love drinks in mason jars. I love drinks in any sort of weird container. Glasses shaped like cowboy boots, copper mugs, fishbowls, I love them all. I’m a sucker for them.

Therefore, I started the night off with this:

That is a shit ton of bourbon, some other alcohol and then a whole lot of sugar.


So by not drinking a god damn beer, which would have been 5 dollars cheaper, I drank this monster sugar beast which contained god knows how many calories.

We then moved on to everyone’s favorite neighborhood strip club/dive bar, Sassy’s. No birthday is complete until you’ve seen bored, tattooed strippers flail around in mis-matched bra and panty sets.

(I LOVE strippers but for the love of god, ladies, put a little effort in. It looks like you got to work, pulled off your jeans and ironic Motley Crue tank top and hopped up in stage in your Target bra and Forever21 panties. That don’t even match! Gah! That said, there are some fantastic girls who work there that I adore and kick ass at what they do.)

I decided that instead of a tallboy, I would have a rum and coke. Because more sugar was obviously what I needed.

Then a friend bought everyone a round of whiskey shots. That was the best caloric decision of the night, given that whiskey is only around 73 calories.

But I followed it up with another rum and coke. Though to my credit, there was so much rum in both drinks that I doubt I even got very much coke.

At this time, after having a girl force me to look into her lady folds up at the rack, I decided I needed tator tots. Add to my calories for the night a basket of greasy potato nuggets. Excellent call, Sweetbird!

After my tots I then gave my last ten dollars in cash to a dancer only because she could make her ass cheeks bounce by flexing them one at a time. I’m intensely jealous of this ability as well as booty popping, clapping and any other form of doing cool shit with your ass.


Broke and drunk, we called it a night and rode up the never ending hill home. Sure, Portland has hills. Slopes…inclines. Whatever, seemed really hard last night.

Upon arriving at home, I made myself a vegan grilled cheese sandwich with fake bacon and ate some cookies.


What have we learned here? That giving up beer will not make me less fat. Drinking liquor makes me more drunk and more prone to getting the munchies.

New plan: just work out more. 

Okay, so enough with trying to pass of my drinking as a health experiment. Back to fashion and beauty. I got nothing though so it’s up to Lou!

I love a good ass kicking

Okay, kiddos, I had my first ass kicking, barely breathing aerial class this week.


My skinny girl fat needs to go. Pronto.

I’m so happy to be back at aerial. Plus this time I get to learn trapeze! Fucking trapeze, bitches! I’ve got two lovely lady friends going with me and I couldn’t be more thrilled with the whole damn thing.

Quick refresher: Using the silks looks like this….

That broad is GOOOOOD. The body strength it takes to pull that shit off is insane. Unfortunately we are so far away from that kind of grace and strength…so very far from it. We look like a couple of spastic marionette puppets. All tangled, jumbled, legs always in the wrong spot and knots in our silks.

The room looks like this:

I’m a bad blogger because I only snapped one shitty phone cam picture but eat me, I was barely able to move at this point. You endure a half hour of intense stretching, a half hour climbing the silks and a half hour trying to build up the strength to do cool shit on the trapeze. You shoulders feel like someone has climbed inside of them and built little bonfires. Then they throw Grand pianos on the fires so now your shoulders burn AND you can’t move them.


Sidenote: There’s a 57 year old (possibly albino) woman in my class. That lady has balls. She tries all the same tricks, does all the some reps and smiles while doing so. She is my motivation to not suck. I can’t let a 57 year old albino show me up.

I have weeks and weeks left of this and I’m pants shittingly excited for it. Never mind the fact that my entire torso feels like it’s been crushed by a giant Transformer hand. Never mind the gimpy whining of my thighs that complain with every step because they don’t wanna stretch that way, thankyouverymuch!

This bitch is going to be FIT! 

I’ll keep you updated every now and again. Tell you if I’ve face planted off of anything…or if the 57 year old has.

Your PBR Chub Ain’t Sexy

Imagine you’re making out with this sexy girl. She’s got the face of a Vicky Secret model. She’s all full lips, big eyes, nice tits and giggles. And then you snake your hand down the back of her pants to squeeze her sweet ass…..and it feels like your hand just plunged into a pile of bread dough.

I’m talking about the dreaded SKINNY GIRL FAT. 

Don’t know what I’m talking about? Here:

Mischa Barton is NOT FAT. That’s not what I’m saying. She’s skinny fat. As in a girl who is naturally slender and therefore lacks the motivation to get her ass to the gym and firm that shit up.

You see this a lot in Portland. We are not a city of gym rats. We’re a city of drunk elitists who are too cool to get on a treadmill. We will drink our calories, smoke our cigarettes and at 2 AM eat mac and cheese and tater tots. And we are skinny fat.

This isn’t relegated just to women. Men are guilty of this as well.

I apologize to our readers, for making you see that. I also apologize to whoever that man might be. This may have been a personal photo from his honeymoon and here I am using it to demonstrate how a slender man can gather pudge around his waist. Resulting in his ass shrinking away into to sad, flat baby heads instead a nice pert pair of….uh…melons?

I’m not mocking these people from afar. I’m standing right in the donut shop line with them.

Over the last year, without meaning to, I lost 15 pounds. I’m 5’6″ and generally my weight settles around 135, unless I’m being a depressive taco bell addict. Then it can inch up to 145. Now I’m at 125 pounds. Suddenly I’m wearing jeans with a 27″ waist and even finding those large occasionally. I haven’t worn a 27 ever. (Maybe when I was in 6th grade. I do remember buying some size 1 Bongo jeans back then.)


I am pure mush. When my boyfriend touches my ass or waist I cringe because I feel like a pack of extra soft tofu. Yet you can see my ribs. That, to me, is far more gross than when I was barely buttoning jeans at 145 pounds. It’s so unhealthy. It’s so weak. It’s soooooo fucking lazy.

Generally, skinny fat people will see results when they make the slightest bit of effort. Do push-ups for a few days, feel a firmer arm. Do some squats, feel your butt lift. We’re starting from pure jello so we have nowhere to go but up. And yet…it’s so much easier to eat corndogs at $1 corndog night while gulping down PBR.

Well, fuck that shit. Wait, no, actually I’ll still be eating corndogs and swilling cheap beer. But I’ve also just signed up for twice a week aerial classes and it’s going to either kill me or transform me.

The last time I did it, I was in the best shape of my life. I would post a before picture here so I can show you the amazing results 8 weeks from now but I don’t want to expose you guys to my weird skinny chub. Just use our friend Mischa as a reference.

So if you’re a skinny fatty, get off your couch and do some god damn sit ups! No one wants to squeeze a dough ball during sex, no matter how cute you are.

On that note, I really want a jalapeno cream cheese grilled cheese sandwich right now. I’m dead serious.