Whoa Shoes

Holy shit. I tried to do some quick shoe shopping at work this morning and ended up writing this blog post instead because it was such a raging weird experience. And yeah, I really should have been paying attention to all the weird shoes out there way before this, but whatever:

Finsk-shoes-116-97-(Cinza)-010604

FINSK 116-97

Whoa, right? How come I never see these on people? I am sure there are some Portlanders that would totally wear these. Oh wait, because they’re $995.95!! Come on. Just call it $1000. Does the sales tactic of making it .9995 really work or even matter in this instance?

Wait, wait, look at these:

Lasskaa-shoes-Mountain-Goat-(Multi)-010604

Eee! Ew! Awesome! I don’t know.

Those are the LAASSKA Mt. Goat boots. Of course they are. Price tag: $229.95

I’m pulling all of these from Solestruck.com. They’re tagline is: TO RID THE WORLD OF UGLY SHOES ONE PAIR AT A TIME.

I don’t get it. If anything, this site aims to invite the ugliest shoes to the party where they can all throw down to be the ugliest, weirdest shoes on the planet. And it’s not a bad thing. It’s great. It’s super fun. It’s also why I have such a bastard-ass time trying to find shoes I like and only ever end up wearing Vans. This shit is intimidating to me.

John-Fluevog-shoes-Arch-Boot-(Cheetah)-010604

JOHN FLUEVOG – ARCH BOOT (CHEETAH) $419.95

Omg, $400 crazy shoes. They remind me of something any member of KISS would want to wear on like, a normal non-stage day. I applaud the people actually wearing these. I love these people. This is why I love fashion – so I can stare at people that drop money on any of these shoes in an attempt to make it work.

So many of these shoes are of course created by my nemesis Jeffrey Campbell. For fucks sake I swear his goal is to make the ugliest, stupidest shoes ever.

Jeffrey-Campbell-shoes-Kick-It-(Khaki-Suede)-010604

JEFFREY CAMPBELL – KICK IT – $189.95

These look like a monster.

Jeffrey-Campbell-shoes-Vay-Cay-(White-Rainbow)-010407

JEFFREY CAMPBELL – VAY CAY – $164.95

Eww!

Jeffrey-Campbell-shoes-Pointe-(Dark-Green-Patent)-010604JEFFREY CAMPBELL – POINTE – $169.95

Ewwww!!!

Jeffrey-Campbell-shoes-4-Evz-(Unicorn)-010604

JEFFREY CAMPBELL – 4 EVZ – $129.95

Ok, these I kind of liked because they’re covered in ponies. And the name “4 Evz” is so precious. And oh they’re in my price range! But still the image of me teetering around in these is pretty funny. Ridiculous ass shoes.

In all fairness he does make some shoes that aren’t totally cray:

Jeffrey-Campbell-shoes-Everly-(Camel-Snake)-010604JC – EVERLY SNAKE – $209.95

Jeffrey-Campbell-shoes-Fontane-(Black)-010604JC – FONTANE – $129.95

But that is just no fun. This post is not to talk about shoes I might actually buy. Ugh I hate buying shoes. It’s just to tell you to go get on Solestruck.com and look at all the magic that’s there. It really is fun. Gleeful even. I had such a fun time avoiding work this morning. And absolutely no fun continuing to fail miserably at actually finding cute shoes that suit me.

xoxo,

Lou

 

 

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Neon Red Carpet

We all know I like the looks of Kristen Stewart, and we also all know I am not always a fan of neon, so imagine my dismay when I saw this:

On Lainey Gossip.

I’m pretty sure I said in my article about neon that it was usually a case of all or nothing, and yet, this just really doesn’t do it for me. When I see the thumbnails all lined up in a row, I just really hate how it pops off the page. Maybe I’m just a total square.

What she did do right though was wear these awesome fucking shoes:

It’s an awesome pairing and one that I can approve of:

But maybe it’s not even the neon … that dress just kind of accentuates her awkwardness, right? Maybe we can just chalk it up to the fact that she’s at the premier for Twilight so almost everything has to suck ass.

Anyway, what this is all reminding me of is the fact that I still haven’t posted my profile on art gallery owner extraordinaire and gorgeous girl friend of mine, (despite loving neon) Paige. I’ll shoot off my fashion questions to her today and post that profile asap.

In the meantime, tell me what you think: K Stew in neon … hit or miss?

xoxo, Lou

V M Assy Fashion

I don’t know what was up with the VMA’s this year. I mean, typically it’s a time for celebrities to dress like idiots, assholes, hookers, whatever … anything goes!

But this year, they just fell flat. Failed to impress. When I think of the VMA’s and “fashion”, I think of epic moments such as:

Christina Aguilera (or was it X-Tina then?) in her Dirrrty phase. How great was that?

 

I’ll tell ya, it wasn’t as great as Lil’ Kim’s epic boob hang.

Amirite?

And then there was that time Katy Perry wore a block … of … cheese? On her head.

 

Maybe I only want that to be cheese since I’m from Minnesota and we have cheese heads for our neighbors over there.

Point is, those were pretty rad moments in “fashion”, all owed to the stupid ass Video Music Awards. God Bless Em.

This year. This year stars fell flat! And looked stupid doing it. But not in a good way. Shall we being our critique? Methinks I need more wine ….

Ok, ready.

I think I have to talk about Taylor Swift first. So she’s dating this Kennedy now, right? Have you read about this? Or am I on a crazy gossip tangent? Anyway, she looked OLD! She looked…old! Like, Sharon Stone looks really great for her age and not in a crazy plastic surgery way because that wouldn’t be looking great, but in like, a, why is Taylor Swift trying to look as old as me way?

That’s a J. Mendel suit. And maybe it’s not even that she looks old. Maybe it’s that she looks like she’s a doll from the 80’s? She reminds me of the spectator pumps my mom used to wear in the 80’s:

And her face for sure has a Robert Palmer “Addicted to Love” thing going on:

She could have just had so much more fun with this. Instead, she bored me. And I hate when people with access to awesome fashion bore me. Especially at an event like this!

I’ll allow argument. I guess. But overall I think it’s dastardly. I must be tipsy cause I thought right there I might be making up a word. And on my way home from Whole Foods on this gorgeous Portland night, I opened my wine and took many, many healthy adult-sized swigs.

Moving along.

Miley Cyrus. Duh.

 

So, my lovely love Crystal recently wrote about Short Hair Don Care Miley Cyrus. I’m all for it. But I’m not all for … whatever this is. I love her when she’s got her

… I have no idea what I was going to say there. Let’s assume I was going to say that I DON’T love, oh! I remember! I was going to say I love when she wears that short hair all piece-y and funky. This looks dated and stuffy. To me at least. I would like this better if she were going to the grocery. This hair with jeans and a crop top. This gown with laid back piece-y hair. I prefer the juxtaposition.
Oh and, dated and stuffy. Sorry Pink. I really do like your music sometimes.

Have you even made any music recently? You seem out of place here.

You know what else seems out of place?

Worst fucking thing I’ve ever seen. What? Wha..why? That top! It looks like Victoria Secret styrofoam. With the different material skirt? Are they separates? I don’t know. I don’t care because I can’t stop staring at the STUPID leopard head scarf, which sort of looks like a headband I wear to keep my bangs back when I wash my face. Nuff said, right? Don’t get me started on her choice of shoes. I would like to punch Jessica Szohr in the face for making me see this.

I need something to make me happy, quick!

Ahhh better. I love that these two are such great friends. Girlfriends. Is there anything better?

This comes close:

Uh, thank you! Riff Raff. For bringing the kind of absurdity I like to see on the VMA red carpet! Is that .. what … hm, let’s move on.
Katy Perry this year. This post is mostly about things I hated at the VMA’s this year, so I am not going near Rhianna cause, well, I thought she looked hot. Per usual. Her home girl though? Mehhhhh

I really like this dress! I do. It’s really pretty and I love the see-through. But, I keep thinking of the lead singer of Evanescence. Remember that band? And, I’m just not sure this is a good thing.

Amy Lee is really cute. I’m just not sure that’s what Katy Perry was going for. The styling is off and well, it’s a little tame for her, right?

What else do I got …

I approve. Next!

 

Oh yeah this. Amber Rose. Ok, ok, so I write horror stories in my free time and love horror movies, so I might be skewed, but to me this looks like she’s got some crazy flesh eating virus coursing through her veins that has given her black eyes while sucking all of the other color from her face. Just me?
Poor baby.
Let’s end on what I consider to be the best dressed VMA attendee this year:

Ru Paul.

Because, I mean, right?

Ok, well that sums up my review of the incredibly disappointing 2012 VMA Red Carpet. I don’t know who won any awards because I’m pretty sure I’m no longer their target audience.

I had a picture of Alicia Keys in  a super boring dress, but I was too bored by it to even bother posting.

Fucking. Yawn.

xoxo, Lou

 

 

 

Neon? More Like Ne-off.

I’ve decided I hate something.  Which obviously means I should take to the blog and bitch about it.

What I hate has to do with the neon color trend. When it first started to crawl out from the hole that is the 1980’s, I didn’t hate it. In fact, as an accent I did and still do, kind of like it. When done right, neon is fun and funky. But when it’s done wrong, you can’t NOT see it and it becomes this invitation to look at the cheap, horrendously bright t-shirts Forever 21 is slangin off their sales racks.

Google ‘neon trend’ and a ton of cute shit pops up, but somehow, this is never the shit I see out in the real world. I don’t think college girls slapping on the brightest fucking pink t-shirt they’ve ever seen is cute. Pairing a neon t-shirt with your regular blue jeans? No! No, I just … I can’t stand it. Let’s look at some examples of wrong before I show you how right it actually can be.

No. I hate this so much. With all these other muted colors? Not to mention the insane proportions of that tank/skirt. I just despise what it does to my eye. It’s a lazy way to work neon and with this trend all lazy does is make me want to chug whatever kind of alchol that advertisment behind her is trying to sell me.

This ad is everything that’s wrong with stupid neon. Every time I see it on the street, god damn I get so distracted, and not in a hot guy way or in a child playing with a puppy kind of way, but in a bum taking a crap on the street kind of way. I can’t really look away cause it’s so glaring, but I also can’t stop my nose from crinkling in disgust either.

Nope. I sometimes don’t mind when it’s ALL neon, but this really makes me want to shield my eyes.

Gross. Don’t like. Argue with me on that one. Go ahead, but I just, can’t be convinced.

Holy Hell what is going on here?

Maybe I just hate green/yellow neon? No. I think just extra hate yellow/green neon.

A lot of the time, neon can look really, really cute! I honestly think it’s when bitches don’t try that hard or when they just throw it in with the rest of their normal wardrobe without any thought that I develop an aversion similar to what it must be like to break out in hives.

Here are some looks that give me the opposite feelings.

Remember this? I actually really liked this. Because it’s not a main component of her actually clothing. This is like having hot pink toenails, which can be really cute!

Also this – I would and want to be wearing this outfit right. now.

So cute. I love it. Where do I buy it?

Oxfords were/are poppin up everywhere and I really adore this take on them. In fact I want them! I even saw them in real life at the bar the other day on this woman who was a hot, hot mess and I was much more likely to disregard her slurring nonsense talk because her shoes were so pleasing to me.

See? It’s clearly a really drastic spectrum for me.

What do you think about this? Here are those shoes on someone and you know, it’s similar to J. Alba up there, but what I think saves this for me is that she’s worked in neon throughout. It’s not just some random bright ass pants. And the proportions are right.

Ultimately, I think 9 times out of 10 I hate neon. It’s completely case by case, but what I’ve learned sifting through the images is that I think I like it in moderation, sparsed througout an ensemble or when babes go all out, all neon. Don’t be lazy and don’t be afraid.

If you really want to look like a piece of tropical fruit, really go for it.

Because as cute as this girl is and as much as I almost like this … I still wish her pants weren’t the color of an electric melon.

I feel like I’ll have some naysayers on this one, so go ahead, weigh in and argue with me. Send me pics of you in your hot pink shirt. Double arguement points if you’re wearing Jefferey Campbell Lita’s. I should probably never move to Miami.

xoxo, Lou

Doing it wrong: Celebrity edition

Being a sexy man?

You’re doing it wrong.

I’m not entirely sure one can call Dr. 90210 a celebrity but I’ll bet he likes it when people do. He also likes sheer shirts and pleather pants. He’s like the Criss Angel of plastic surgery. It’s like he went back in time to Hot Topic in 1995 and stole this whole outfit. Then he returned to modern day, got a spray tan and a haircut at Supercuts and then finally bumbled his way down a red carpet.

You are not sexy.

That guy to your right though?

Pure sex.

Your Shoes Suck

I’ll keep this brief since it really is just a matter of personal opinion, but I’m totally right when I say Jeffery Campbell “Lita” shoes are hideous. I’m all for a sky-high platform shoe. It’s not the heel height I find offensive so much, it’s the horrible, horrible, hideous toe! And then the proclivity of every fashionable hipster girl on earth to rush out and shove their dainty feet into something that will make themlook like they’ve got two club feet. They come in every imaginable color and pattern. It’s maddening.

Here is the least offensive picture I can find of the classic black and still…nope:

These shoes are stripper shoes meant to be worn outside of the strip club. I have nothing against strippers, except the fact that they love to wear these shoes.


That stripper’s dog wants to eat your brains.
To me, they just scream “try”. There is no fashion happening here. There is a bandwagon, a bad aesthetic, and a whole heap of lazy in this trend. Plain and simple. Also, they will make you look like a Clydesdale.

There are definitely cuter platform boots out there that you can buy for less money. I just don’t really understand why these shoes, and their huge ass toe platforms, became so fashionable. I mean, this? This?? Really??

Who in the fuck??:

Would spend $180 on these shoes? Woof.

They can also be mother fucking dangerous. And no I’m not talking about twisting an ankle.

Actually, if I were forced to buy a pair of JC shoes, I’d pick these spiked ones, so I could stomp a bitch.

Overall, this trend just kind of reminds me of how much I hate 6″ heels. I just…don’t…see how it’s hot. What is the obsession, ladies? It looks awkward as hell. Even on Beyonce.

Like I said, I love a good heel as much as the next girl, and maybe someday I’ll write a “Doing it Right” post a la SweetBird, but for now, it felt good to spew my hate all over these wretched shoes.

Oh. And if you own a pair of these and we’re friends .. ah, um, I’m sure I own something you hate too.

xoxo,

Lou

Hate Parade: Dumpy Jean Shorts

I swear that I’m going to write a happy-I-love-this kind of post soon. Or maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll let Lou be good cop while I continue to be hellacious cunt cop. Either way, I’m hate parading again.

While doing “research” for my Coachella post, I came across so many pictures of adorable girls wearing shorts that make them look like they just dropped a load. A load that has settled in the front, resulting in a fat camel toe of fabric.

Prime example.

As much as I’d love to slap the smug out of Miley Cyrus, she’s got a great body. So why does she insist on wearing these shorts again and again. Not only are the unflattering in the crotchal region, they’re acid wash. Ew.

Zoe Kravitz. Super cute, young girl. Why are you trying to look like a mom from the 80’s who has had five kids and can’t fit her fup into anything other than these shorts? WHY?

What. The. Shit.

Even ScarJo can’t make this trend look good. Her vagina looks ten miles wide.

Ladies, I understand the desire for high waist shorts. They can be stylish and attractive. But this is not the way. Find me a man who looks at these shorts and thinks, “Oh hell yes. I love it when her vag looks like a swollen fortune cookie. Sooo hot.”

Find some shorts that FIT. Please. And for the love of God, Lou, if 6 months from now I’m wearing this shit and singing it’s praises. Please slap me and make me take them off. Even in the middle of the park. Do not let me walk around in these.

Hey assholes!

It’s supposed to be in the 70’s in Portland this weekend and guess what? My ass is working doubles all weekend. Fuck.My.Life.

However, unless I work like a mofo, I will never get the fat paychecks that I adore. Paychecks that can buy me some fabulous summer clothes. For when summer actually gets here. In three or four months.

While I’m slaving away, ripping hair out of people’s dark parts ( I don’t know why I just called them dark parts…I was thinking of the sun don’t shine on them, therefore, they’re dark…?), y’all should be out prancing around in as little clothing as possible and soaking up the rays.

I’m looking at you, Lou. I know how much you like to whore it up. SO WHORE IT UP!!!

Just to torture myself and to bore you, I’m going to get my sun through summer memories….

River trips!!

Slutty tank tops!!

Kiddie pools!!

I can’t wait for summer. Even though I work weekends and everyone else will be drunk at the park. I’ll be drunk at the park on the weekdays while you fuckers are at work! By myself….Wait…that sucks….

Go forth, drink tallboys of shit beer, get a sunburn on your pasty skin, pass out by 6pm and then wake up at 10pm ready to rage again.

Do it, Portland. Do it for me. 

Hate Parade: Sheer Button Up Shirts

I’m currently white knuckling it through one beast of a hangover due to a night involving ice skating, spiked fountain sodas, cheap beer and expensive whiskey. I have a giant fist shaped bruise on my thigh and all I want is a fucking burrito but I live in Oregon where Mexican food tastes like salty cat shit wrapped in wax paper. I’m still in bed at 3 PM, sandwiched in by two passed out dogs. I win at life.

I figure now, when I want to kill everything in my sight, I should blog about a trend that is really grossing me out.

I’m sorry, Mischa Barton, but you’re my prime example again.

Bitch, no. 

This whole sheer collared shirt and bra thing is just making me want to barf. Or maybe that’s my hangover. Either way, I may barf.

This trend is good in theory but to me, and Lou may fight me on this, it looks like the secretary forgot her meds and is now wearing inappropriate things to work.

Because real women do not look like that broad. Real women are tromping around town with this shit on and it just doesn’t work.

See? Not the same is it? It just looks….so bad 90’s. Most women shouldn’t be showing off their midriffs. I’m sorry but it’s true. I’m an asshole.

The last week at my job before I moved here I waxed two girls who were around 19 or 20. They were both wearing sheer button ups, one was floral which made me cringe even more. The trouble was that they were both wearing bras that were not meant to be seen. One had very large breasts so she was wearing one of those support bras with the extra wide straps. That’s not a sexy bra. It’s not meant to be seen. It’s meant to hold your shit up so that you can look good in a t-shirt that is opaque. The other girl had a Target special bra. It was pink with flowers on it.

NO!

If you’re going to insist on throwing this trend on your innocent body then for God’s sake wear a black, simple bra that is sexy but doesn’t have sequins or flowers on it. Please.

This would be doing it “right” and I still hate it, hate it, hate it. It looks like she’s wearing shitty pajamas. Your barista does not need to be accosted by your hipster titties.

That reminds me, all you broads crying about not wanting to be seen as an object and men not looking in your eyes? Fuck you if you wear this shit. Waaah waaah waah. You’re doing it to yourself, dumb ass. Don’t scream for attention and then slap a man when he gives it to you.

GAH! I’m getting more and more upset. But more about the fact that the I NEED  a decent burrito in my life.

I do need to add that while I find this trend to be vomitable (making up words like a champ), I have no issue with sheer t-shirts or tank tops and dark bras. Like a super soft, worn in t shirt that’s so thin you can see the bra. That’s fine. It’s the fucking button up with a collar that enrages me.

I’m gonna give it to the men on this one. Is it a boner or no boner?

OMG! I just invented a new category! HATE PARADE!!!!! I encourage everyone to submit their own Hate Parade tirades. I will eat them up like I should be eating a god damn burrito.