Why Don’t I Have Drag Queen Friends?

I’m pretty sure Katy Perry and I would get along really well. Mostly because I really like boobs. But also because she and I share an affinity for drag make-up.

“I have watched every episode ofRuPaul’s Drag Race. Sometimes I want to dress up like myself and go onstage as a drag queen to see if anyone knows the difference. I’m two degrees away from a drag queen anyways.”


Googling Katy Perry’s tits is a total time suck. I just lost 20 minutes staring into those things. This might just become a post about her boobs.

Moving on.

Trying anyway.

I used to wear a whorish amount of eye make-up (cue the Charlie Sheen quote from Ferris Bueller…or are you too young for that shit?) but now I only wear a slutty amount. I really miss wearing a shit ton of eye make-up but I have no girlfriends here that like to slut it up face-wise.

Lou is one of those girls whose face doesn’t need make-up. A little mascara, a little blush and lip gloss and she’s good to go. My other ladies here are mostly the same. Everyone is pretty conservative and goes for looking natural. Guh. I have never loved natural. Mostly because I don’t look good that way.

DISTRACTED!!! Though they kinda look like they’re smooshed against a window in this one. I can still dig it.

Aaaaand moving on.

I’ve been told, since the very first time I had a make-up artist put my face on for me, that I have a face that can “handle a lot of make-up”.

To me that’s just code for “Bitch you is ugly and you need all the help you can get.”

I blame all of those make-up artists for my obsession with blue eye shadow and love of pancake foundation. I mean really, look at me a few years back. That was a perfectly normal amount of eye shadow for me.

Ms. Cuntbook has been my bestie for years, 12 or 13 years(!!!!) now. God, we’re old. She is the only girl in my life that loves to fuck around with colors as much as I do. We both have drawer upon drawer of eye shadows, fake lashes, lipstick and blushes. Whenever I’m near her, inevitably, I get back on the whore horse again.


I’d like to make a girlfriend up here specifically because she wears too much eye make-up. Just walk up to some girl on the street and shout “Ohmygod your make-up is so fucking uhhhmazing, come to my house and let’s play with eye shadow and take pictures and squeal!!!”

Somehow, I don’t think that would go over very well.

I only have a few more years where I can get away with wearing a shit ton of goop on my face. Soon my eyelids will turn to papery mush, my lips will crinkle up like a cat butthole and my entire face will sag into a jowly mess. So right now, I want to wear some god damn blue eye shadow!

Maybe I will. Tonight.

Oh and…


Urban Decay Eyeliner Review with appropriate snark

I’ve been meaning to write a post about Urban Decay’s 24/7 Waterproof Liquid Liner for a while now. Then the other day I accidentally did a durability test on it and was pretty shocked by the results. Shocked implies far too much emotion but sounds better than mildly surprised.

I’ve been rocking cat eyeliner since 17. It never gets old to me. If I could do my make-up like Lana Del Ray’s every day, I would.

Technically, I could do my make-up like that every day but I have a different gripe about why I feel weird about doing that. I’ll most likely write that post next since I’m currently sitting at work trying to kill a few hours in between de-hairing the lovely bits of PDXers.

My one gripe with this liner is that there never seems to be very much color in the tip of the brush. I end up shaking it like crazy to no avail. The only thing that gets color back in there is pressing the side firmly down on something, generally I use the back of my hand. After that the liner goes on quite well.

Most of the time I wash my hands right after I press the brush to them to avoid a black spot on my hand for the rest of the day. But the other afternoon I was in a rush to meet a girlfriend and after hastily doing my make-up I rushed out the door with that black dot still on my hand.

I noticed it while driving to lunch and tried to pick it off with my nail. Nope. I licked it and tried to smear it off. No sir. I rubbed it furiously against the leg of my jeans. It stayed put. So I thought meh, fuck it and went on with my day.

Later that night I had to deep clean my entire house in order to get ready for the ladies clothing swap the next night (also a possible future post). Halfway through washing every dish I own, I noticed the black dot was still there. Perfectly intact.

By this point I wanted to see how long it would stay. And stay it did, through all those dishes and two showers after that. I also wash my hands constantly and it didn’t budge.

This shit is waterproof as a motherfucker. That’s what I’m saying. Motherfuckers aren’t really waterproof, huh? As waterproof as Lindsay Lohan’s plastic face? As waterproof as Betty White’s vagina? As waterproof as plastic sheets on a bedwetter’s bed?

If you want party all night, go home with a stranger, have sweaty sex, sleep with your face shoved in the pillow and still wake up with gorgeous make-up eye liner then go buy the shit out of this stuff.

Also, I’m not going to harp on this shit here because this blog is dedicated to bitchiness, not world issues….but….I’ve been trying very hard to be aware of what I’m buying when it comes to cosmetics. Urban Decay does no animal testing. There are plenty of other brands as well. There’s really no excuse for you to hide your head in the sand when it comes to this shit and then claim you’re an animal lover.

Watch that girl being fucked with and tell me you wanna buy MAC products.

I’ll be over here with curlers in my hair, using my cruelty free eye liner that won’t budge even if I spray myself in the face with a fire hose. Though it comes off just great with a bit of olive oil. I’m sure eye make-up remover would do the trick as well but I’m a hippie.