Get Drunk, Get Fat

FAIL.

Fail, fail, fail, fail.

My experiment to get drunk, not fat did not go as planned last night.

Or…it did, since I drank no beer which is what I set out to do for a few weeks.

(Thought the night I wrote that other post, the boyfriend came home from a BBQ with a six pack of PBR and without even thinking I took the one he offered me. My resolve lasted two hours! Record setting fail.)

Last night a bunch of us went out for a friend’s birthday. I was resolved to not drink beer even though I have about $80 to last me til payday on Friday. The bar we convened at serves it’s signature cocktail in a giant mason jar. I fucking love drinks in mason jars. I love drinks in any sort of weird container. Glasses shaped like cowboy boots, copper mugs, fishbowls, I love them all. I’m a sucker for them.

Therefore, I started the night off with this:

That is a shit ton of bourbon, some other alcohol and then a whole lot of sugar.

SUGAR.

So by not drinking a god damn beer, which would have been 5 dollars cheaper, I drank this monster sugar beast which contained god knows how many calories.

We then moved on to everyone’s favorite neighborhood strip club/dive bar, Sassy’s. No birthday is complete until you’ve seen bored, tattooed strippers flail around in mis-matched bra and panty sets.

(I LOVE strippers but for the love of god, ladies, put a little effort in. It looks like you got to work, pulled off your jeans and ironic Motley Crue tank top and hopped up in stage in your Target bra and Forever21 panties. That don’t even match! Gah! That said, there are some fantastic girls who work there that I adore and kick ass at what they do.)

I decided that instead of a tallboy, I would have a rum and coke. Because more sugar was obviously what I needed.

Then a friend bought everyone a round of whiskey shots. That was the best caloric decision of the night, given that whiskey is only around 73 calories.

But I followed it up with another rum and coke. Though to my credit, there was so much rum in both drinks that I doubt I even got very much coke.

At this time, after having a girl force me to look into her lady folds up at the rack, I decided I needed tator tots. Add to my calories for the night a basket of greasy potato nuggets. Excellent call, Sweetbird!

After my tots I then gave my last ten dollars in cash to a dancer only because she could make her ass cheeks bounce by flexing them one at a time. I’m intensely jealous of this ability as well as booty popping, clapping and any other form of doing cool shit with your ass.

Best.Booty.Video.Ever.

Broke and drunk, we called it a night and rode up the never ending hill home. Sure, Portland has hills. Slopes…inclines. Whatever, seemed really hard last night.

Upon arriving at home, I made myself a vegan grilled cheese sandwich with fake bacon and ate some cookies.

Winner.

What have we learned here? That giving up beer will not make me less fat. Drinking liquor makes me more drunk and more prone to getting the munchies.

New plan: just work out more. 

Okay, so enough with trying to pass of my drinking as a health experiment. Back to fashion and beauty. I got nothing though so it’s up to Lou!

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Get Drunk, Not Fat

Shockingly, I didn’t just pull that title out of my ass.

It’s a freakin’ website….called Get Drunk Not Fat.  It does just what its says, teaches you what the best things to drink are to get drunk and not fat.

Ha!!!

(sidenote: I started looking for pictures of drunk hipsters to put throughout this post but the first picture that popped up with of Lindsay Lohan being druuuunk. Then much like Katy Perry’s breasts, I got sucked into fucked up Lilo pictures. Now you get her!)

Lilo watches her calories by taking shots all night.

Full disclosure: It’s about 80 degrees outside and I’m on a self imposed booze free night. Therefore I’m hanging out in cut offs and a bikini top making cookies. Oh and baking bread. I’m such a fat kid. I’m totally eating the cookie dough too. It’s okay cuz it’s vegan so I can’t get salmonella. Just fat.

Lou’s big sis once shared with me her dietary wisdom:

“Eat less, save your calorie intake for alcohol.”

Drunk Lilo thinks that’s great advice!

I tried that a few times and while it did result in spending less money and getting more drunk due to the empty stomach, it made me feel like cat shit the next day. Lou has mastered the art of drinking her dinner and never seems to be worse for the wear. I think it’s something in that family’s blood. Magical princess hair and excellent boozability.

What does any of this have to do with fashion? Nothing. Other than the fact that clothes look better when you’re not lumpy in all the wrong places. Girls with beer guts are no bueno.

During my cookie baking/fat kid pig out, Ms.Cuntbook texted me to tell me to invent her a calorie free beer. I don’t think my idea of drinking the beer and then barfing it back up ten minutes later was the bright idea she was looking for.

I’ve never really considered how many calories were in beer. Actually, I never consider the calories in anything. Probably not the smartest thing.

Apparently a rum and diet coke is a great thing to drink because it’s only 64 calories. To that I say barf. Keep your mixer!

Lilo loves rum! 

Booze by the calories:

Rum – 64 Calories per 1 oz
Brandy – 64 Calories per 1 oz
Gin – 64 Calories per 1 oz
Tequila – 64 Calories per 1 oz
Scotch Whiskey – 73 Calories per 1 oz
Vodka – 73 Calories per 1 oz
Whisky – 73 Calories per 1 oz

The internet says that the average bottle of beer contains 150 calories. WOOF! Give me straight whiskey any day.

There’s been a lot of hullaballoo (best word ever) around these parts lately about alcohol. Some people have gotten it into to their heads that when you’re a grown up you don’t go out and get sauced anymore. Have those people never seen Mad Men? Booze and cigarettes all day! Not that Don Draper should be a role model. But still….you can still be a responsible person, an adult, and enjoy drankin’.

I’m giving myself a health challenge (I’m laughing as I write this because a health challenge involving drinking is fucking hilarious to me) to lay off the beer and just enjoy either wine or whiskey. For…a couple of weeks? Maybe til June? Just to see how I feel. Perhaps my little bit of tummy will back the fuck off. Probably not but my intake of cheap beer since we moved back is bonkers. I’m an adult now, god dammit, I’m going to drink like one!

Okay now can someone tell me how the fuck this happened?

Holy jesus, girl!! 

Alright, I’ve got cookies to eat. Go to the bar armed with the knowledge of how fat what you’re drinking is going to make you, adjust accordingly. Or don’t. I’ll probably blow it after two days. Beer is cheap, yo!