Hate Parade: Dumpy Jean Shorts

I swear that I’m going to write a happy-I-love-this kind of post soon. Or maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll let Lou be good cop while I continue to be hellacious cunt cop. Either way, I’m hate parading again.

While doing “research” for my Coachella post, I came across so many pictures of adorable girls wearing shorts that make them look like they just dropped a load. A load that has settled in the front, resulting in a fat camel toe of fabric.

Prime example.

As much as I’d love to slap the smug out of Miley Cyrus, she’s got a great body. So why does she insist on wearing these shorts again and again. Not only are the unflattering in the crotchal region, they’re acid wash. Ew.

Zoe Kravitz. Super cute, young girl. Why are you trying to look like a mom from the 80’s who has had five kids and can’t fit her fup into anything other than these shorts? WHY?

What. The. Shit.

Even ScarJo can’t make this trend look good. Her vagina looks ten miles wide.

Ladies, I understand the desire for high waist shorts. They can be stylish and attractive. But this is not the way. Find me a man who looks at these shorts and thinks, “Oh hell yes. I love it when her vag looks like a swollen fortune cookie. Sooo hot.”

Find some shorts that FIT. Please. And for the love of God, Lou, if 6 months from now I’m wearing this shit and singing it’s praises. Please slap me and make me take them off. Even in the middle of the park. Do not let me walk around in these.

Parade of Assholes: The Second Weekend

One weekend of celebutards prancing around Coachella in costumes from Hair was apparently not enough. The second weekend proved to be just as hideous and upsetting as the first.

The outfit that really got my attention was this one:

Emma Roberts, WTF? Why perfectly attractive women insist on shoving themselves into unflattering, ill fitting and just plain puzzling outfits like these is a fucking mystery to me. First off, the whole unbuttoned jean short thing hasn’t been cool since bitches were doing it while dry humping Eric Nies on MTV’s The Grind back in the 90’s. (I just dated myself pretty bad there since I’m reasonably sure that I’m the only one old enough to remember The Grind…and how badly I wanted to be on it.) Second, that top looks like an old tourist shirt from Hawaii that she put through a paper shredder, made sure it was two sizes too small and then squeezed into in the hopes that it would look like an upset cockring around her middle.

Also, her friend’s vagina is starving. It’s eating those shorts like a pancake breakfast.

Why stop at one puke worthy outfit? She goes for the gold in several more.

That one wouldn’t be so bad. If it fit her at all. It looks like a maternity jumper that is now deflated because she gave birth.

Of course, there were other assholes on parade. And I want to slap all of them.


You’re orange. That is all.

You are not amish. That is all.

P.S. You’re in the desert.

I have no words. Except….Minnie Mouse is going to a funeral but is too lazy to change out of her slippers.

Another case of hungry vagina.

P.S. Girl eating watermelon, you are awesome.

¬†Okay, I’m done. I can’t wait for the Oscars so I can spew my hate all over that shit. By hate I mean my absolute bitterness that no one is paying me to put on a $25,000 dress and drunk walk down the red carpet.

Music Festival or Asshole Parade?

I don’t think I actually care that people completely change their fashion for three days of music in the California desert, but I do think it’s pretty ridiculous how many celebrities and “celebrities” go to Coachella every year just to see and be seen all while looking like they’re going to the hippie equivalent of a Renaissance Fair.

It’s just that, I read a lot of gossip blogs and I certainly don’t see the extent of celebrity fashion parading around Bonnaroo, Lolapalooza, or the lesser known Sasquatch in our very own PNW. If everyone wants to dress up like a slutty Woodstock flashback at Coachella, why don’t I have the pleasure of seeing the same ding dongs putting on flannels and grungy Doc Martins for Lolapalooa?

I’m guessing it has something to do with the fact that this particular festival is held in California, celebrity mecca, but still, every year around this time I chuckle to myself when I see things like this:

Vanessa Hudgens. Repeat Offender. Or how about this monstrosity:

Or Jesus Effing Christ, THIS. The ultimate hot mess of all hot messes…who just reminded me I need to write the post regarding my extreme dislike of these hideous Jeffery Campbell shoes:

It’s my humble opinion, but I even think Victoria Secret supermodels look pretty stupid exhibiting this much “Try.

Great legs though, Jesus:

I know we can’t all be natural fashion chameleons like Kate Moss, shown here at Glastonberry like she owns that shit. And I know..she fucks rock stars and sings and overall can do no fashion wrong, but still, it looks pretty natural for someone of her caliber to go from her regular clothing repertoire to straight up festival garb…unlike those idiots above who just look like they’re at an idiot parade.

I just think it would do us all some good, especially in Portland where costume is practically encouraged, and especially in summer when people do ridiculous things with their wardrobes, to remember how stupid you can look when you’re trying too hard. Coachella just happens to be my favorite example.

And while I was going to write about the threat to the integrity of the musicians when confronted with a cesspool of washed up starlets looking like a bad acid flashback, I realized I’d rather not get too serious. I’ll leave that to you and the comments section if you like. Or, you can, like me, just enjoy the asshole parade that descends on this music festival every year without fail. It’s so embarrassingly funny to me.