No Gym? No Problem!

Here are the things that occurred to me while reading So0o Bro’s latest contribution:
  • Pull-ups are fucking hard. I’ve never been able to do one in my life even though I think I’m actually pretty strong. 
  • DESPI swimwear…is this a hipster thing? I’ve never heard of this line. So0o Bro just fashion shamed me on my own blog. What a bitch. 
  • I added all the celebrity photos. Obviously. Cause when I drink I’ll take any excuse to look up some smutty photos. 
  • Emily Wolfer took some photos of our douchey drill sergeant. Check out more of her beautiful work HERE. 
  • And finally, working out blows. I did it today. And now I’m home with and all I have energy to do is this: 
Ok! Now enjoy some douchey work out advice!
No Gym, No Problem!
$40 a month for a gym membership you’re never going to use is one way of fucking up your drinking budget. That’s like 6.5 six packs of High Life tall boys! Fuck that!
Don’t worry. I have the 5 basic workouts that will help tone your whole body and keep you out of that Douche Bag filled gym (the less you hipsters go to the gym, the less I have to wait for you to get off my FUCKING weights).  No need for dumbbells or workout machines, we are going to use our own body weight. MONEY SAVER!
PUSH-UPS, SIT-UPS, SQUATS, LUNGES, (and if you have a bar) PULL-UPS. That’s it. These exercises when done to the point of muscle failure and when mixed in with your cardio, can give you a full body workout that will get you in that hot new DESPI bikini you have been working so hard for. But just like any other workout, YOU NEED TO PUSH YOURSELF!
The last few reps of these exercises should be tough and you should fail most of time. THAT IS WHAT WE WANT. If you can do your sets with ease then you need to do more reps! Hit that wall and eventually break through the motherfucker!

Let’s start with PUSH-UPS.

The most basic exercise out there and it can work more then just your chest. Depending on your hand placement you can work your arms, chest and back. Ohh, and your CORE!!!
That’s right! Try doing your push-ups with one leg raised and out to the side. Make sure you do this with both legs to work both sides of your core. This one is a killer and one of my favorites! Make sure to keep that leg elevated and focus on using your core to keep it from dropping. It might take some time getting your core strong enough to balance and get a good number of reps in but do as many as you can till you physically can’t do anymore and it should be fine.
(photo by: EMILY WOLFER) Make sure to get low!
If you are having trouble doing push-ups then start from your knees, but don’t cheat yourself and make sure that you are only doing this when you can’t do them conventionally.
Now let’s cut that stomach with some SIT-UPS! 
(photo by: EMILY WOLFER)
Just like the push-ups, there are tones of different ways to work your core and make that stomach lean and BANGIN’! We have all seen the PLAMKING videos and if you have never tried it you should!
Try planking for 2 minutes straight and then tell me that shit isn’t hard. Don’t worry, I’ll wait!… That shit’s hard, right?! And it’s great for your core! Mix that in with some leg lifts and crunches and you will really rock those center abs. Do some side crunches and hit the oblique’s (my favorite) and you will start to strengthen that core for real.
Here is a link to 10 different workouts for your abs.  There is so much good shit on the web!
On to the ass! BAMN! SQUATS!
Squats are the BUTT shaper! If you want a rounder, tighter ass then squats are going to be your best friend. The best part is they’re the easiest exercise to see results fast! It is also a great workout for your hamstrings.  Some sites say to hold dumbbells for more of a challenge but if you don’t have them you can use just your body weight and do more reps or use water bottles or other objects of weight around your house.
(Lou: Easily one of the best celebrity butts. Which is great since she has nothing else going for her.)
To finish off the legs we are going to do LUNGES! These fucking suck! But, man, do they work your legs! I do a lot of lunges to strengthen my legs for cycling and it works! This could be the best all around leg workout you can do. If they become too easy with your body weight then hold 12 packs of PBR in each hand and give that a try. You can always drink a few beers to lighten the weight but remember you will have to do more cardio to burn off those calories!
Daaaamn Girl!! 
Last but not least is PULL-UPS/CHIN-UPS. This is a great exercise, but only for those that have a pull up bar at home or something that can support your weight like a tree branch or that pull-up bar at your neighborhood park. Now just to clarify, pull-ups are with the back of your hands facing you and chin-ups are with the palms of your hands facing you. A lot of people think they’re the same thing but they do work different parts of the body.
The pull-ups are going to hit your back and shoulder muscles more and chin-ups will work your biceps more. Both of these exercises of course have different variations, like wide grip and close grip, and you can also rock your abs by lifting your knees to your chest or holding your legs straight out while you pull up.
(Lou: I bet Cameron Diaz can do some mean pull-up)
So there are your exercises that you can easily do at home.  Since we aren’t trying to bulk up and just want to tone, we are going to do high reps and around 3-5 sets. 5 is not high reps, 20 is high reps (of course you wont be able to do 20 pull-ups or maybe even push-ups right away but you get the idea).
When I first started working out these were my exercises I would do in the morning when I woke up. I would do them every other day, which was a good way to start out and eventually turned it up. After the third week or so I needed some motivation to continue what I like to call my PRISON WORKOUTS so I started to make the workouts into games to keep me going.
A deck of cards is a great tool for all these exercises except maybe the pull-ups (you will see why).  What I liked to do was take a deck of cards and flip one at a time and then do the face value of that card, face cards are 10 and aces alternate from 1 to 11. So for instance, I would be doing push-ups and I would flip over the first card and we will say that card is a 5. I would do 5 push-ups and then flip over the next card. I would do 5 cards and then take a 90 second break and then try another 5 cards. I would do this until I was physically drained and couldn’t do another single push-up.  How long will it take you to do the whole deck?
You can do this game with any exercise really and can even give an exercise to each suit. So hearts can be squats, diamonds are push-ups, lunges are spades, and clubs are Sit-ups. This way you can rest muscles while working others!
I would recommend doing what is called super sets when you are starting out. This is when you move from one exercise to the other without resting. This will keep your heart rate up which will burn more beer off! Isn’t that why we are doing this in the first place?
WOW! That is a lot of information to throw at you at one time.  Just remember that working-out is not easy and you will need to push yourself. Also, cut your cardio days in between your strength days to allow your body to recover, and GET YOUR PROTEIN! (Lou: I’m making So0o Bro write his next post about healthy garbage I can eat to trick my body that it’s still getting delicious garbage. Surprise! Next assignment, buddy. What the fuck do I eat when I’m hungover???)
I’m beat just from writing this. Hey, Lou! BEER ME!
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I love a good ass kicking

Okay, kiddos, I had my first ass kicking, barely breathing aerial class this week.

IT RULED.

My skinny girl fat needs to go. Pronto.

I’m so happy to be back at aerial. Plus this time I get to learn trapeze! Fucking trapeze, bitches! I’ve got two lovely lady friends going with me and I couldn’t be more thrilled with the whole damn thing.

Quick refresher: Using the silks looks like this….

That broad is GOOOOOD. The body strength it takes to pull that shit off is insane. Unfortunately we are so far away from that kind of grace and strength…so very far from it. We look like a couple of spastic marionette puppets. All tangled, jumbled, legs always in the wrong spot and knots in our silks.

The room looks like this:

I’m a bad blogger because I only snapped one shitty phone cam picture but eat me, I was barely able to move at this point. You endure a half hour of intense stretching, a half hour climbing the silks and a half hour trying to build up the strength to do cool shit on the trapeze. You shoulders feel like someone has climbed inside of them and built little bonfires. Then they throw Grand pianos on the fires so now your shoulders burn AND you can’t move them.

I LOVE IT SO HARD!!!

Sidenote: There’s a 57 year old (possibly albino) woman in my class. That lady has balls. She tries all the same tricks, does all the some reps and smiles while doing so. She is my motivation to not suck. I can’t let a 57 year old albino show me up.

I have weeks and weeks left of this and I’m pants shittingly excited for it. Never mind the fact that my entire torso feels like it’s been crushed by a giant Transformer hand. Never mind the gimpy whining of my thighs that complain with every step because they don’t wanna stretch that way, thankyouverymuch!

This bitch is going to be FIT! 

I’ll keep you updated every now and again. Tell you if I’ve face planted off of anything…or if the 57 year old has.

The Price of Partying

I need a makeover. Unlike SweetBird, I’ve spent the last 5 years in Portland taking advantage of the fact that it’s perfectly acceptable, and at times even encouraged, to show up to work or a nice dinner not only looking hungover, but actually feeling like you might pass out, throw up, or both.

With the exception of Hangover Hotness (It’s a strage phenomenon, does it ever happen to you? It happens to me and my sisters quite often. You somehow get your ass to work after a night of too many whiskey shots, look in the mirror, and realize, damn! I look good! I’ll try and document the next time this happens). 

So with that being the exception, lately, I typically feel totally gross, stuck in a rut, and like I could be doing way better. I’m bored and sometimes disappointed in how I put myself together these days and how it might effect how I look later in life. I like to party, what can I say? And I’m good at it. I’ve always gravitated toward things I have a natural aptitude for, and partying is top of the list. But, point is….

I want to look more like this when I get older:

Bitch is 58

And less like this:

Someone has sex with this.

Problem is, I’m pretty sure I spend more time these days partying like Keith Richards. Which is why I’m embarking on a new quest to take some preventative measures. Ultimately I just want to FEEL better. Fuck yeah I want my skin to glow. And my hair, well, if you don’t know already, I am obsessed with my hair. It’s not ok for me to hate it, but lately I do. Cause it’s looked like some variation of this for the last three years:

I’m growing it out right now best I can, but as you can imagine, this makes me throw it up in a bun every morning as I curse the mundanity of it all. (I thought I was making that word up, but true story, it’s a real word). Anyway! Point is, I feel BLAH. Here is what I am going to do to change it:

  • Start eating better. Less hangover pizza, more avodcados to give me glowing skin. Do I want to try juicing?
  • Exercise. Boo! But, I can finally yank my bike out of the corner now that it’s not raining every day. Yay!
  • Wardrobe makeover – I need to have about 80% less crap in my closet.
  • Homemade potions – screw only eating avocados, I’m going to slather them all over my face.
  • And sigh…less booze. Less partying. More sleep. Wanker. (for some reason this calls for British slang).

I’m telling you all this for two reasons: 1. to hold me accountable. Hell, you can even send me advice if you want. And 2. so I can document it all on this here blog and keep you up to date on my progress. Somehow putting it down on “paper” already has me feeling a little better and all of the above bullet points will eventually become articles or videos in some form. 

I can’t wait to see where I actually succeed and where I fail…and if someone (SweetBird) mentions booze right now I will punch them in the face…for possibly being totally right.

xoxo, Lou