Le freak, So Shiekh

The other day I was at the mall with Olivia. Yes the mall. I love the mall. The smell of pretzels and artificial cheese heavy in the air, scene kids with hideous haircuts skipping by with their Hello, Kitty backpacks and bargains galore!

Unfortunately we were there shopping for birthday gifts and I’m more broke than an America’s Next Top Model finalist so I did no bargain shopping of my own. However, we couldn’t resist a trip to Shiekh. Oh Shiekh, how I love you. You take the most upsetting shoe trends and make them even more upsetting by adding glitter, flames, spikes and all other varieties of adornment that have no place on feet.

Even your logo is terrible. God, I love you.

I have bought a few pairs of non-blingy boots from here that I adore. Granted they tend to fall apart after a few months but whatevs, my fashion attention span is that of a hyperactive two year old high on sugar.

The shoes I saw that day were so surprisingly bad. One of two things must be happening:

1. I’m really and truly getting old. So old that I’m genuinely confounded by fashions worn by kids these days. 

2. The fashions that kids these days are really and truly getting more horrible. 

Truly hideous shoes in point:

WTF? Please ignore the clown shoes in the back and focus on the “snake in an oil spill by the nuclear power plant” monstrosities that I’m holding. Why….why, why does there need to be a small weird little platform under the toe? Is the shoe not attention grabbing enough? Barf, I say. BARF.

There is only one occasion that these shoes would be acceptable for. If you are one of the people in the dragon costume at a Chinese New Year parade. Then fine, your little kooky dragon feet would be adorable. Other than that? No, bitch. No.

These could be cool as part of a Halloween costume. Sexy creature from the black lagoon? Aquaman? Unfortunately, broads are hoofin’ downtown in these things. I don’t even have any words left. I’m overcome by the ugly.

Part of me wonders how much I would have pissed my pants with glee if someone had gifted these shoes on me when I was 17. I think there would be some seriously wet pants. But at 17 I also had a bright pink pixie cut, giant men’s polyester pants and little boy t-ball tees from salvation Army. I wasn’t exactly drowning in good taste.

I feel like grown women should know better. But again, maybe I’m just old and crotchety.

Oh and also…

This may be the end of my friendship with Lou but I have to admit, I really like these booties. They’re definitely Jeffery Cambell rip-offs but the toe isn’t as bulbous and horrifying.

I think they’re so cute. I’m sorry, Lou! I just bought this dress:

And it screams for booties. For those booties. Oh god, the shame!!!! The shame!!!!!

Okay. That’s all. I have to go soak my eyeballs in whiskey to get rid of all the vomit inducing, blinding shoes I just looked at.