Hate Parade: Dumpy Jean Shorts

I swear that I’m going to write a happy-I-love-this kind of post soon. Or maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll let Lou be good cop while I continue to be hellacious cunt cop. Either way, I’m hate parading again.

While doing “research” for my Coachella post, I came across so many pictures of adorable girls wearing shorts that make them look like they just dropped a load. A load that has settled in the front, resulting in a fat camel toe of fabric.

Prime example.

As much as I’d love to slap the smug out of Miley Cyrus, she’s got a great body. So why does she insist on wearing these shorts again and again. Not only are the unflattering in the crotchal region, they’re acid wash. Ew.

Zoe Kravitz. Super cute, young girl. Why are you trying to look like a mom from the 80’s who has had five kids and can’t fit her fup into anything other than these shorts? WHY?

What. The. Shit.

Even ScarJo can’t make this trend look good. Her vagina looks ten miles wide.

Ladies, I understand the desire for high waist shorts. They can be stylish and attractive. But this is not the way. Find me a man who looks at these shorts and thinks, “Oh hell yes. I love it when her vag looks like a swollen fortune cookie. Sooo hot.”

Find some shorts that FIT. Please. And for the love of God, Lou, if 6 months from now I’m wearing this shit and singing it’s praises. Please slap me and make me take them off. Even in the middle of the park. Do not let me walk around in these.