Let us teach you the ways of bikinis….

It will be summer here…someday. Therefore it’s time for us to do another bathing suit post. Lou posted a hot suit on our FB page the other day that reminded me. But then I saw this and I knew it was an emergency.

Girl….No.

Obviously, if women are strutting onto beaches in get-ups like this then Lou and I need to educate the masses on what’s acceptable to shove your lady parts into and what is not. That 80’s slutty batman swimsuit could rule at a costume party but it’s not meant for sunlight and sand.

Stay tuned for a post on great bikinis for the season. We’ll even throw in some unusual ones if you wanna be the kooky girl at the river this year.

Just don’t wear this:

Please.

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On the street edition: Doing it…right?

Ms. Cuntbook just sent me another picture from L.A.

She and I both agree that we don’t hate this. Perhaps we just can’t pull it off. I do recall Lou wearing something similar years ago when we ventured to Silverado, Portland’s dick flopping male strip club. Pretty sure she was wearing a negligee (speaking of which, I had no idea that’s how you spelled that, it looks wrong and weird), some cut offs and stockings attached to the negligee. I had on a leopard print bustier and cowboy boots. Obviously we win at life. Why the fuck don’t we have pictures of that??

I’ve gotta give her props for going for it. And again, lovely hair. I’m interested to hear what Lou has to say about this because I feel like she’s going to love it.

Doing it wrong: on the streets edition

My girl on the streets of Los Angeles, Ms. Cuntbook, sent me this gem of a photo. She’s out living the good life, drinking in the bar with all the pretty people and documenting it for us to mock.

Camel toe….Boner or no boner?

Because I say: Jean shorts? YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG.

I look forward to more sneakily snapped fashion shots from so cal or anywhere for that matter. Or do like Lou and ask a girl with a bangin’ jacket if she’ll let us take her picture. Bad fashion, good fashion, we want it all. So get out your cell phones, my darlins, snap away.

Doing It Right

Just because even I’m gagging on my poopiness lately, I wanted to post pictures of actual attractive people wearing jean shorts in an attractive way. To prove that I do like things. Especially hot girls in short shorts.

Legs for days. That girl is working those shorts. Also, I have massive hair envy.

It’s upsetting how attractive this girl is. I’m super digging the whole outfit.

I’m posting this for two reasons. One, I think it’s a hot outfit even though I could never get away with that midriff business. Two, I believe she’s wearing the shoes that Lou hates with such a venomous passion. I don’t mind them…But she needs to write her hate parade post on them and I’m hoping this will spur her into action.

Speaking of midriff baring tops that I can’t pull off. I LOVE this. I wish that I would have worn it when I was 18. Somehow I think 32 is not the time to start wearing bra tops in public. Unless aerial gets me into even more bangin’ shape than I’m anticipating.

I can’t wait for summer weather and the opportunity to wear way, way less clothing! I want cut off shorts and platform sandals and floppy hats galore!

There….see? I can be positive.

Hate Parade: Dumpy Jean Shorts

I swear that I’m going to write a happy-I-love-this kind of post soon. Or maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll let Lou be good cop while I continue to be hellacious cunt cop. Either way, I’m hate parading again.

While doing “research” for my Coachella post, I came across so many pictures of adorable girls wearing shorts that make them look like they just dropped a load. A load that has settled in the front, resulting in a fat camel toe of fabric.

Prime example.

As much as I’d love to slap the smug out of Miley Cyrus, she’s got a great body. So why does she insist on wearing these shorts again and again. Not only are the unflattering in the crotchal region, they’re acid wash. Ew.

Zoe Kravitz. Super cute, young girl. Why are you trying to look like a mom from the 80’s who has had five kids and can’t fit her fup into anything other than these shorts? WHY?

What. The. Shit.

Even ScarJo can’t make this trend look good. Her vagina looks ten miles wide.

Ladies, I understand the desire for high waist shorts. They can be stylish and attractive. But this is not the way. Find me a man who looks at these shorts and thinks, “Oh hell yes. I love it when her vag looks like a swollen fortune cookie. Sooo hot.”

Find some shorts that FIT. Please. And for the love of God, Lou, if 6 months from now I’m wearing this shit and singing it’s praises. Please slap me and make me take them off. Even in the middle of the park. Do not let me walk around in these.

Parade of Assholes: The Second Weekend

One weekend of celebutards prancing around Coachella in costumes from Hair was apparently not enough. The second weekend proved to be just as hideous and upsetting as the first.

The outfit that really got my attention was this one:

Emma Roberts, WTF? Why perfectly attractive women insist on shoving themselves into unflattering, ill fitting and just plain puzzling outfits like these is a fucking mystery to me. First off, the whole unbuttoned jean short thing hasn’t been cool since bitches were doing it while dry humping Eric Nies on MTV’s The Grind back in the 90’s. (I just dated myself pretty bad there since I’m reasonably sure that I’m the only one old enough to remember The Grind…and how badly I wanted to be on it.) Second, that top looks like an old tourist shirt from Hawaii that she put through a paper shredder, made sure it was two sizes too small and then squeezed into in the hopes that it would look like an upset cockring around her middle.

Also, her friend’s vagina is starving. It’s eating those shorts like a pancake breakfast.

Why stop at one puke worthy outfit? She goes for the gold in several more.

That one wouldn’t be so bad. If it fit her at all. It looks like a maternity jumper that is now deflated because she gave birth.

Of course, there were other assholes on parade. And I want to slap all of them.

Ouch…?

You’re orange. That is all.

You are not amish. That is all.

P.S. You’re in the desert.

I have no words. Except….Minnie Mouse is going to a funeral but is too lazy to change out of her slippers.

Another case of hungry vagina.

P.S. Girl eating watermelon, you are awesome.

 Okay, I’m done. I can’t wait for the Oscars so I can spew my hate all over that shit. By hate I mean my absolute bitterness that no one is paying me to put on a $25,000 dress and drunk walk down the red carpet.

I’ve lost my inner hipster, help me find her

I’M BACK!!!!

We finally moved back to fabulous, weird, rainy, snarky, hipster supreme Portland!

I couldn’t be happier about being back here. It feels like home. It’s so good to have Lou sitting in front of me, chugging tall cans of PBR and spouting off a steady stream of amazing ideas on how to make this blog more awesome.

Unfortunately, I picked up some bad habits in sunny San Diego. The biggest Portland fashion faux pas: Being too well groomed. Working in La Jolla, land of the yuppiest of yuppies, it was important for me to have unscuffed boots, blown out hair, well applied natural make-up and smartly put together outfits. I could get a little funky but it still had to look…expensive and new.

In Portland, being polished is practically a sin. My severe bob with straight bangs seems like it’s trying to hard. I need artfully mussed hair that always looks as if it’s been ground into the pillows by some fabulous, sweaty sex. Mary Kate Olsen has perfected the art of just fucked hair.I would slap a child for that hair. Hell, I’d slap five.

 My shoes all look too new. My dresses look too generic. Everything in my closet made sense when I was in SoCal but now it makes no sense at all. It’s like going to Alaska with a wardrobe better fit for Hawaii. Getting dressed every day has been so confusing that I keep pulling on the same skinny jeans and hoodie.

My daily project is putting the things I own together in different ways. I have to regain my fashion spontaneity. I need to get comfortable taking risks again. The last year has been a reasonably boring year fashion wise for me. I mean, it’s San Diego. I spent most of my days like this:

The other night we went to the art show of a friend of our’s and in spite of the fact that I was biking there, I made an effort to look cute, Portland-style. The end result was pairing grey jeans with brown boots (which for some reason was a huge faux pas down south) and throwing on a fedora that someone left at my house.

It’s a start!

Got some Portland hipster fashion advice for me? Something that normal “fashionable” people would never do? Tell me!

It’s great to be back!

xoxoxo-SB