Neon Red Carpet

We all know I like the looks of Kristen Stewart, and we also all know I am not always a fan of neon, so imagine my dismay when I saw this:

On Lainey Gossip.

I’m pretty sure I said in my article about neon that it was usually a case of all or nothing, and yet, this just really doesn’t do it for me. When I see the thumbnails all lined up in a row, I just really hate how it pops off the page. Maybe I’m just a total square.

What she did do right though was wear these awesome fucking shoes:

It’s an awesome pairing and one that I can approve of:

But maybe it’s not even the neon … that dress just kind of accentuates her awkwardness, right? Maybe we can just chalk it up to the fact that she’s at the premier for Twilight so almost everything has to suck ass.

Anyway, what this is all reminding me of is the fact that I still haven’t posted my profile on art gallery owner extraordinaire and gorgeous girl friend of mine, (despite loving neon) Paige. I’ll shoot off my fashion questions to her today and post that profile asap.

In the meantime, tell me what you think: K Stew in neon … hit or miss?

xoxo, Lou

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V M Assy Fashion

I don’t know what was up with the VMA’s this year. I mean, typically it’s a time for celebrities to dress like idiots, assholes, hookers, whatever … anything goes!

But this year, they just fell flat. Failed to impress. When I think of the VMA’s and “fashion”, I think of epic moments such as:

Christina Aguilera (or was it X-Tina then?) in her Dirrrty phase. How great was that?

 

I’ll tell ya, it wasn’t as great as Lil’ Kim’s epic boob hang.

Amirite?

And then there was that time Katy Perry wore a block … of … cheese? On her head.

 

Maybe I only want that to be cheese since I’m from Minnesota and we have cheese heads for our neighbors over there.

Point is, those were pretty rad moments in “fashion”, all owed to the stupid ass Video Music Awards. God Bless Em.

This year. This year stars fell flat! And looked stupid doing it. But not in a good way. Shall we being our critique? Methinks I need more wine ….

Ok, ready.

I think I have to talk about Taylor Swift first. So she’s dating this Kennedy now, right? Have you read about this? Or am I on a crazy gossip tangent? Anyway, she looked OLD! She looked…old! Like, Sharon Stone looks really great for her age and not in a crazy plastic surgery way because that wouldn’t be looking great, but in like, a, why is Taylor Swift trying to look as old as me way?

That’s a J. Mendel suit. And maybe it’s not even that she looks old. Maybe it’s that she looks like she’s a doll from the 80’s? She reminds me of the spectator pumps my mom used to wear in the 80’s:

And her face for sure has a Robert Palmer “Addicted to Love” thing going on:

She could have just had so much more fun with this. Instead, she bored me. And I hate when people with access to awesome fashion bore me. Especially at an event like this!

I’ll allow argument. I guess. But overall I think it’s dastardly. I must be tipsy cause I thought right there I might be making up a word. And on my way home from Whole Foods on this gorgeous Portland night, I opened my wine and took many, many healthy adult-sized swigs.

Moving along.

Miley Cyrus. Duh.

 

So, my lovely love Crystal recently wrote about Short Hair Don Care Miley Cyrus. I’m all for it. But I’m not all for … whatever this is. I love her when she’s got her

… I have no idea what I was going to say there. Let’s assume I was going to say that I DON’T love, oh! I remember! I was going to say I love when she wears that short hair all piece-y and funky. This looks dated and stuffy. To me at least. I would like this better if she were going to the grocery. This hair with jeans and a crop top. This gown with laid back piece-y hair. I prefer the juxtaposition.
Oh and, dated and stuffy. Sorry Pink. I really do like your music sometimes.

Have you even made any music recently? You seem out of place here.

You know what else seems out of place?

Worst fucking thing I’ve ever seen. What? Wha..why? That top! It looks like Victoria Secret styrofoam. With the different material skirt? Are they separates? I don’t know. I don’t care because I can’t stop staring at the STUPID leopard head scarf, which sort of looks like a headband I wear to keep my bangs back when I wash my face. Nuff said, right? Don’t get me started on her choice of shoes. I would like to punch Jessica Szohr in the face for making me see this.

I need something to make me happy, quick!

Ahhh better. I love that these two are such great friends. Girlfriends. Is there anything better?

This comes close:

Uh, thank you! Riff Raff. For bringing the kind of absurdity I like to see on the VMA red carpet! Is that .. what … hm, let’s move on.
Katy Perry this year. This post is mostly about things I hated at the VMA’s this year, so I am not going near Rhianna cause, well, I thought she looked hot. Per usual. Her home girl though? Mehhhhh

I really like this dress! I do. It’s really pretty and I love the see-through. But, I keep thinking of the lead singer of Evanescence. Remember that band? And, I’m just not sure this is a good thing.

Amy Lee is really cute. I’m just not sure that’s what Katy Perry was going for. The styling is off and well, it’s a little tame for her, right?

What else do I got …

I approve. Next!

 

Oh yeah this. Amber Rose. Ok, ok, so I write horror stories in my free time and love horror movies, so I might be skewed, but to me this looks like she’s got some crazy flesh eating virus coursing through her veins that has given her black eyes while sucking all of the other color from her face. Just me?
Poor baby.
Let’s end on what I consider to be the best dressed VMA attendee this year:

Ru Paul.

Because, I mean, right?

Ok, well that sums up my review of the incredibly disappointing 2012 VMA Red Carpet. I don’t know who won any awards because I’m pretty sure I’m no longer their target audience.

I had a picture of Alicia Keys in  a super boring dress, but I was too bored by it to even bother posting.

Fucking. Yawn.

xoxo, Lou

 

 

 

Girl Crush

Full disclaimer. I’m not drunk. In fact, I spent the day playing hookie and painting my nails this awesome shade of mint while watching a 30 Rock marathon and eating chocolate peanut butter ice cream. I mean, it’s kind of like being drunk … and was the result of me being too drunk last night, so I guess at the end of the day it counts and we can consider me drunk right now.

(great color, right?)

Anyway, back to being fake drunk … what do I do when I’m drunk? Or sober? Or fake drunk? I judge people’s outfits! Today I want to judge Kristen Stewart, which leads me to my second confession, I have a total girl crush on her. Yes, I know she was in that twatty vampire trilogy, but I think she’s a major babe. Not so much in flat, 1-dimmensional pictures, but when she’s moving it’s hot. Her eyes are heavy-lidded, her lips are a weird, full shape, and she’s skinny, pale, and has great hair. Look at this face! I love it.

Also, I like that every time I see a pap shot of her in an airport, she’s dressed exactly like I dress almost every day. Plain jane. Someone said to my boyfriend that other day “Lou dresses so plain … it’s funny to me she keeps a fashion blog”. Yes, well, I’m drunk and judgmental and love looking at clothes, so that’s where it stems from. Not from me being a fashionista myself. I’m all about the critique and the magazines and the industry gossip. But I enjoy these things while dressing myself every day more or less like this:

I also think if I were to suddenly come in to a bunch of money cause someone made me the star of some horribly-written, blindingly successful movie trilogy, that I would make the same fashion choices as KS. For the most part, I love the fashion choices she makes, and like Diane Kruger, even when I don’t, I still enjoy looking at her because she never bores me.

The Balenciaga above? No. I don’t like it. But it’s fucking interesting to look at, right? I love the top. Love the top and would love the top with regular leather pants, but these look like they’re eating her feet, and her toes being exposed weirds me out like the pants thought her toes tasted funny and it’s all just so fashion-y and gross looking to me. Distracting. But her styling is perfection…

Here’s another dress that I don’t necessarily like, but that I still find myself staring at because it’s fucking interesting!

The length on this dress sucks. Combined with those hideous shoes? Her shins look like stubby kindergartner’s legs. And yes, all kindergartner’s have stubby shins. It’s a fact.

I don’t like the 80’s coloring. I don’t like anything, but it’s interesting. And again, I love the unfettered styling. And again, it’s Balenciaga .. makes sense right? Here’s the detailing.

It’s cool to look at, it’s just not for me. However, she wears so many dresses that I would snatch up in a heartbeat.

Look at this Balmain red leather … want! So much texture. I am a sucker for hardware.

Lace Valentino? Yes please! I guess I love texture because what these two lace fabrics do to me is disgusting. It makes me want to own a dress that probably costs as much as my college education. And I couldn’t have chosen a better shade of red lipstick myself. Love.

She looks wasted here. But the dress is super cute. It’s Yigal Azrouël. And of course she pairs it with high tops, which makes me love her more. It’s super charming. And oh, she does it all the fucking time. These dresses that cost more than your life? Yeah, she often kicks of her heels to throw on a pair of Vans. My kind of girl.

This dress is Marchesa. And I hate it. But I love that she put on some kicks.

Cute. Even though it looks sort of sloppy, I bet the bitch is comfortable. And frankly, I love that after her red carpet requirements, she cares more about her comfort than she does keeping up appearances.

So many of the dresses I just posted above show off her pale skinny legs, and they’re great legs, so I see why, but some of my favorite looks from her come when she branches out from this cocktail length and plays with shape:

Cannes 2012 in Reem Acra

I love this gown. Give it to me in a black, gray, dark purple, and I am all over it. Would definitely choose it for myself were I to ever require a red carpet gown.

Derek Lam

Love the belt! And the dress length. And the Scottish-ness of this dress. It looks cozy and sexy. And I want to wear it right now.

This is definitely one of those outfits I would never choose for myself, but would love if someone chose for me and I love it on her. While I typically shy away from pointy heels, how can I hate these Christian Louboutin’s? They’re fucking rad.

And wow! I feel better. Judging fashion is good for my soul. So is looking at Kristen Stewart’s pretty face. Now I just want to go put on some makeup and take my ass to the park for some sun and maybe, just maybe, a beer. It’s 80 and sunny here in Portland, which means there will be tons of terrible fashion to judge in the park. God bless it.

Please email me at cheapwineandpantylines@gmail.com with any fashion babes you’d like a profile of. So far I have Diane Kruger and K Stew … who should I do next???

Until next time!

xoxo, Lou