Doing it wrong: Celebrity edition

Being a sexy man?

You’re doing it wrong.

I’m not entirely sure one can call Dr. 90210 a celebrity but I’ll bet he likes it when people do. He also likes sheer shirts and pleather pants. He’s like the Criss Angel of plastic surgery. It’s like he went back in time to Hot Topic in 1995 and stole this whole outfit. Then he returned to modern day, got a spray tan and a haircut at Supercuts and then finally bumbled his way down a red carpet.

You are not sexy.

That guy to your right though?

Pure sex.

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On the street edition: Doing it…right?

Ms. Cuntbook just sent me another picture from L.A.

She and I both agree that we don’t hate this. Perhaps we just can’t pull it off. I do recall Lou wearing something similar years ago when we ventured to Silverado, Portland’s dick flopping male strip club. Pretty sure she was wearing a negligee (speaking of which, I had no idea that’s how you spelled that, it looks wrong and weird), some cut offs and stockings attached to the negligee. I had on a leopard print bustier and cowboy boots. Obviously we win at life. Why the fuck don’t we have pictures of that??

I’ve gotta give her props for going for it. And again, lovely hair. I’m interested to hear what Lou has to say about this because I feel like she’s going to love it.

The Price of Partying

I need a makeover. Unlike SweetBird, I’ve spent the last 5 years in Portland taking advantage of the fact that it’s perfectly acceptable, and at times even encouraged, to show up to work or a nice dinner not only looking hungover, but actually feeling like you might pass out, throw up, or both.

With the exception of Hangover Hotness (It’s a strage phenomenon, does it ever happen to you? It happens to me and my sisters quite often. You somehow get your ass to work after a night of too many whiskey shots, look in the mirror, and realize, damn! I look good! I’ll try and document the next time this happens). 

So with that being the exception, lately, I typically feel totally gross, stuck in a rut, and like I could be doing way better. I’m bored and sometimes disappointed in how I put myself together these days and how it might effect how I look later in life. I like to party, what can I say? And I’m good at it. I’ve always gravitated toward things I have a natural aptitude for, and partying is top of the list. But, point is….

I want to look more like this when I get older:

Bitch is 58

And less like this:

Someone has sex with this.

Problem is, I’m pretty sure I spend more time these days partying like Keith Richards. Which is why I’m embarking on a new quest to take some preventative measures. Ultimately I just want to FEEL better. Fuck yeah I want my skin to glow. And my hair, well, if you don’t know already, I am obsessed with my hair. It’s not ok for me to hate it, but lately I do. Cause it’s looked like some variation of this for the last three years:

I’m growing it out right now best I can, but as you can imagine, this makes me throw it up in a bun every morning as I curse the mundanity of it all. (I thought I was making that word up, but true story, it’s a real word). Anyway! Point is, I feel BLAH. Here is what I am going to do to change it:

  • Start eating better. Less hangover pizza, more avodcados to give me glowing skin. Do I want to try juicing?
  • Exercise. Boo! But, I can finally yank my bike out of the corner now that it’s not raining every day. Yay!
  • Wardrobe makeover – I need to have about 80% less crap in my closet.
  • Homemade potions – screw only eating avocados, I’m going to slather them all over my face.
  • And sigh…less booze. Less partying. More sleep. Wanker. (for some reason this calls for British slang).

I’m telling you all this for two reasons: 1. to hold me accountable. Hell, you can even send me advice if you want. And 2. so I can document it all on this here blog and keep you up to date on my progress. Somehow putting it down on “paper” already has me feeling a little better and all of the above bullet points will eventually become articles or videos in some form. 

I can’t wait to see where I actually succeed and where I fail…and if someone (SweetBird) mentions booze right now I will punch them in the face…for possibly being totally right.

xoxo, Lou