Why Don’t I Have Drag Queen Friends?

I’m pretty sure Katy Perry and I would get along really well. Mostly because I really like boobs. But also because she and I share an affinity for drag make-up.

“I have watched every episode ofRuPaul’s Drag Race. Sometimes I want to dress up like myself and go onstage as a drag queen to see if anyone knows the difference. I’m two degrees away from a drag queen anyways.”


Googling Katy Perry’s tits is a total time suck. I just lost 20 minutes staring into those things. This might just become a post about her boobs.

Moving on.

Trying anyway.

I used to wear a whorish amount of eye make-up (cue the Charlie Sheen quote from Ferris Bueller…or are you too young for that shit?) but now I only wear a slutty amount. I really miss wearing a shit ton of eye make-up but I have no girlfriends here that like to slut it up face-wise.

Lou is one of those girls whose face doesn’t need make-up. A little mascara, a little blush and lip gloss and she’s good to go. My other ladies here are mostly the same. Everyone is pretty conservative and goes for looking natural. Guh. I have never loved natural. Mostly because I don’t look good that way.

DISTRACTED!!! Though they kinda look like they’re smooshed against a window in this one. I can still dig it.

Aaaaand moving on.

I’ve been told, since the very first time I had a make-up artist put my face on for me, that I have a face that can “handle a lot of make-up”.

To me that’s just code for “Bitch you is ugly and you need all the help you can get.”

I blame all of those make-up artists for my obsession with blue eye shadow and love of pancake foundation. I mean really, look at me a few years back. That was a perfectly normal amount of eye shadow for me.

Ms. Cuntbook has been my bestie for years, 12 or 13 years(!!!!) now. God, we’re old. She is the only girl in my life that loves to fuck around with colors as much as I do. We both have drawer upon drawer of eye shadows, fake lashes, lipstick and blushes. Whenever I’m near her, inevitably, I get back on the whore horse again.


I’d like to make a girlfriend up here specifically because she wears too much eye make-up. Just walk up to some girl on the street and shout “Ohmygod your make-up is so fucking uhhhmazing, come to my house and let’s play with eye shadow and take pictures and squeal!!!”

Somehow, I don’t think that would go over very well.

I only have a few more years where I can get away with wearing a shit ton of goop on my face. Soon my eyelids will turn to papery mush, my lips will crinkle up like a cat butthole and my entire face will sag into a jowly mess. So right now, I want to wear some god damn blue eye shadow!

Maybe I will. Tonight.

Oh and…