Cardio, noooooo!!!

(I just have to say, I was late getting this post up because I was too busy getting drunk in a movie theater watching Prometheus in 3D. And after reading it, I realize I am totally one of those people that works out like, twice a week, and considers it a success.Typically, I just find there is something I would way rather do than workout and yeah, I pay for it with a back that hurts and way too many hangovers, but shit, I have a lot of fun.

I know I don’t want to speed up my aging cause I’m a vain bitch, but I know that’s exactly what will happen if I stay this lazy and this consistently drunk. I really do want to make some minor tweaks to my lifestyle (which I imagine is where a lot of us are .. not yet at the 5-6 days of cardio this guy suggests, pft, but starting slow is still something to be proud of!) For my part, I’m still waiting for my initial motivation to kick in…hoping these So0obro posts push me there. Enjoy!)

What’s up CWPL readers?! SO0o Bro is back with more fitness advice for you drunk-ass Hipsters. Lil’ Lou sent me the hundreds of emails you sent her and I was surprised to see what most of you wanted to know about.

Besides wondering if I’m single or not (971-227-8345 – find out for yourself), the next most asked question was about different CARDIO workouts to shred the FAT. Knowing that most of you readers drink A LOT, I’m guessing that running is not your best friend (SHIT, you probably hate working out and are just reading this post because your friends with Lil’ Lou). So, I’m going to give you some different CARDIO workouts to choose from and YOU can choose which one works best for you.

YES, PLEASE!!!
First off, it should be mentioned that Cardio, actually working out in general, SUCKS. Working out for the first time after a long break can be very exciting as well as defeating. YOU NEED TO REMEMBER IT GETS BETTER. That soreness that you’re hating so much will eventually go away and you might actually miss it once it’s gone! That shortness of breath from running around the block will eventually come after an 8 mile run! YOU WILL HAVE RESULTS. Well…if you push yourself as hard as you can. Your mind will quit long before your body!
Don’t think working out hard is sexy? THINK AGAIN!  Girl, I want to see you SWEATING and have some FIRE in your eyes. If you are smiling during your run, you need to start running faster!

(Lou: Cute Suit!)

CYCLE, RUN, SWIM, and wait for it…


DANCE!!!

That’s right, DANCING. This shit burns calories like SNOOP burns TREES! Whether you’re on the pole or dancing to soul, this is a great alternative to conventional workouts. Plus it shows dudes how great you are in the sack (guys totally judge women on their dancing skills! KNOWN FACT), and not to mention it’s done best with a drink in hand! (Lou: Count me in)

Also,  YOU CAN DANCE ANYWHERE, FOR FREE! Dance in the right place and you can even make a buck or two. Don’t want to cut a rug in public? Keep your dancing at home! Put on that record you can’t help but move to and go at it for an hour or two. The key is to continue moving. KEEP THE HEART RATE UP. Dance for 2 hours and you will burn around 700 calories or MORE!!! BOOM!

Dancing can also be a great core exercise! But remember you want to get that HEART RATE UP and really push yourself to keep moving at a good pace.
So, whether your running everyday or dancing to your favorite BUSTA RHYME$ album, just remember to go harder and faster than last time.  Doing cardio 1 day a week ain’t gonna do SHIT!!! You need to be doing cardio 5-6 days a week and giving yourself 1-2 days rest.  Also remember to eat well and DRINK LESS! (LOU! This means you) The more you DRINK the more you have to RUN! (Lou: ew)


I prefer CYCLING for my CARDIO.

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Get Drunk, Get Fit

Hey ya’ll. Lately I’ve noticed I no longer have the body I did when I was 22. I know. It happens to all of us and now that I’m 28, that beer I spend all week guzzling is no longer simply pissed away. Instead, these days it makes a pit stop at my belly, decides it’s nice and soft and cozy there, and never leaves. I’m over it and fine! I realize I might actually have to do some work to get rid of it.

So, to help me in my efforts, I’ve enlisted the help of someone I know can whip me into shape. He’s a major bro, his name is So0obro in fact, check him out here, and he has a lot of good advice. He’s kind of like a douchey drill sargeant that really wants to help you get a better ass. So go ahead and ask him your questions. (email to cheapwineandpantylines@gmail.com) Want to know how to get a good work out while lifting your PBR cans? Seriously, I bet he could tell you. Challenge him! And meanwhile I’ll be at the gym trying to get rid of this stupid beer gut.

What’s up You lazy ass mother fuckers?! Lil’ Lou came to me the other day asking how she can take that soft body and turn it into a hard body before we get out of river drinking season. I said FUCK YEAH! (You can say I’m a specialist in this category. Just look at the photo below).


I grew up in Southern California where no one wore more than two articles of clothing on any given day. I seriously thought board-shorts were a respectable article of clothing to wear to work for most of my life. Girls wore bikinis every day and the world was a much better place.
Now that I live in Portland,  no one wears beach attire, even at the BEACH! There are more girls in cut off shorts and band tees at the river then there are flotation devices of any sort. WTF!!!

No, bitch! You can’t come to the river with me in that!

I narrowed it down to three reasons why I don’t see as many bikinis during the hot Portland summers as I do in SoCal:

  1. You don’t own a bathing suit of any kind. I understand that this can happen all the way up here in the North West region of America. We ARE really close to Canada!

Here is my advice; FUCKING BUY ONE! It’s hard to see the shape of your boobs through an old LL Cool J t-shirt.

  1. You’re afraid of getting skin cancer. Well you did move to the right place to hide from the sun but remember that there are only about 3 solid weeks when the sun is out and in full effect. If the sun affects you so much that you have to keep all your cloths on to enjoy a river date, then keep moving north. (Lou: Sunscreen ladies and gents!)
  1. YOU’RE OUT OF SHAPE!!! I’m going to focus on this issue.

I believe this BLOG did a piece a while back on skinny fat: The worst epidemic to hit Portland since UGGS. And let me just say that it is a terrible disorder that needs to be remedied STAT! The only problem is no one wants to work to correct it.
Why is it so un-cool to workout all of a sudden? Ever since I started hitting the gym hard and watching what I eat, I have lost the following: 4 really good friends, the desire to get wasted every night (Lou: hmmmm, not sure I want this side effect), the desire to smoke cigarettes all day long, my hatred of Nike shoes and clothing, AND MY SOFT ASS BODY!
What I have gained from my recent life changing decisions: I feel FUCKING healthy! My back no longer hurts at the end of the day from BLUE COLLAR work. I HAVE A FUCKING SIX PACK!!! Female coworkers and friends now touch my arms or abs and go, “ HOLY SHIT, MAN! YOU’RE BUFF!”

Then:

Now:

So ladies. To summarize: GET IN THE FUCKING GYM!
I will be posting more articles to this blog about different workout routines to get you out of the tees and into bikinis. For now just do sit-ups, push-ups and squats till you can’t do them anymore and then just repeat that everyday.  Running and biking never killed anyone either.
I hope to see some tits at the river this year, not covered by Billy Joel’s face.

(Lou: While I do feel pretty ok in a bikini, I could feel better, and for my part, ladies, I think this is something you should do for you first and then let your man or other men, or women, or whoever, let them benefit second. This is about feeling good about your tits and your ass and all of the in between. And it’s about feeling healthy and strong. And…I also just want to be able to keep getting drunk without getting fat. So, there’s that. So let’s do it! Let’s…workout? Ugh)

Again, like what you see here? He has his own blog! Don’t we all, right? See more from So0obro on tumblr: so0obro.tumblr.com